Almost 4 Years Later...

I just read my own story I wrote almost 4 years ago about losing my son. I can remember so much about those 48 hours that changed my life. I did not do well. I did not rise above. Instead I drifted into a world that I never knew existed. I didn't want to feel. Turns out they make a pill for that. I truly believed I had physical pain & I wasn't abusing the pain pills at first. But looking back, it was not the physical that I couldn't bear. I spiraled into an addiction. I remember one day in particular that I thought to myself, "I'm an addict & this isn't helping". But I just didn't care. Z was also hiding his hurt behind pain meds. We were not there for each other at all. We were both blaming ourselves & just trying to cope. I had found out that I had lost Xander because of a blood clotting disorder, factor five. All of this could have been avoided pretty easily. But that is not something they test for, but if you have it & don't take blood thinners, you will lose your baby. So only a month after losing Xander, we were forced to move from our home. Not only did I have to face all the baby items, but I had to leave the home that held my memories. Our new home was much smaller. I got a puppy around the same time I found out I was pregnant. He was a Doberman. He was too big for our new smaller house. I had to take him to a rescue. I had lost so much at that point, it's no wonder I made the choices I did. I was taking more & more pills by then. Z & I were not doing well together. Too many deep hurts. Our addiction was getting way out of hand. Then in a matter of 2 months, I lost both of my grandparents. Then a close friend 1 month after that. Life was throwing every pain at me that it had. Z & I decided to move into my grandparents house. It would get us away from the drug filled area we lived in. We were going to change. Instead we moved into the house & after all of my money was spent, z decided to go back to that drug filled area. I had to sell my grandparents house. I was alone. And I was still an addict.
That was almost 2 years ago, It's been a hard road, but I now have almost 2 years clean. And I have a son that just turned a year old. Life is looking up. But I will never forget my little Xander.
0etoiles 0etoiles
26-30
Jan 6, 2013