Its Not Suposed to Be Like This.
Valentines day was low key but fun. Z and I lay on the couch watching a movie. Z would poke one side of my buldging belly and baby Xander would wiggle his way to the other side. They played for a while, it was so cute. The next day was rather uneventful, but seemed like nothing wanted to go right. But before bed I gazed out the window thinking that tommorow would be a new day.
I awoke and got ready for my 28 week check up appointment. I was thinking of what I would go do after the apt. The dr came in and i asked when i could have another ultrasound, I couldn't wait to see him again. She laughed and said they don't do another one unless there is a problam. She stated searching for baby and looked confused when she still found no heartbeat. She got the ultrasound machine and I got a chuckle out of it. I thought Xander was avoiding her so I could see him. She put the scope on my belly and there layed a lifeless baby with no heart beat. She pointed out the lack of a heartbeat and my world was set on fire. They sent me to the hospital to confirm. I couln't look. I went home and cried till I threw up.
The next morning I was sent to the hospital and began the most hellish 24 hours of my life.....
They took me to a private room and started to give me meds to induce me. They took 15 vials of blood total. They were trying to figure out what happened. Everything had been fine till this point. Later that evening the contractions were unbarable. I kept thinking that I didn't want to get the epidural too early. But then it hit me I couldn't drug Xander, he was already dead.
After the drugs I was pretty high, couldn't feel a thing. I nodded in and out all night while I continued to take the meds. Early that next morning my dr showed up and I was in labor. He came out with three or four hard pushes. I will never forgeth that moment when he came out, I wanted to die. I held him for a few minutes. I cried, I told him I was sorry and I gave him back. We decided a funeral was apropriate after the nurses said they could dispose of it. A few long hours later, they got me ready to go home. I got my things and got in the wheelchair. I was holding up well untill we hit the elevater and I realized that I was going home without my baby. The whole thing was over. I had a whole new life to go home to.
Now almost 2 weeks later, I don't know how to feel better. I have bagged up all the maternity clothes, all the baby stuff is locked up in a room I can not go into yet. The last 7 months of my life I have been consumed by appointments and details. Everything has been about Xander. Before I got pregnant I was drinking and having "fun" everyday, living like a teenager. So now, I feel like I don't want to go back to that life. I am changed. So I don't know where I fit now. I don't know how to be a part of this life that is now mine. I almost feel like I want to try again. But the guy i'm with is still a very new relationship. When we found out I was pregnant we jumped right into it and decided we could make it work. Now I would be choosing to have a baby with him. I'm not sure if I want to. But I know I want a baby. I'm not sure what will happen.......