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Its Not Suposed to Be Like This.

Valentines day was low key but fun.  Z and I lay on the couch watching a movie.  Z would poke one side of my buldging belly and baby Xander would wiggle his way to the other side.  They played for a while, it was so cute.  The next day was rather uneventful, but seemed like nothing wanted to go right.  But before bed I gazed out the window thinking that tommorow would be a new day. 

I awoke and got ready for my 28 week check up appointment.  I was thinking of what I would go do after the apt.  The dr came in and i asked when i could have another ultrasound, I couldn't wait to see him again.  She laughed and said they don't do another one unless there is a problam.  She stated searching for baby and looked confused when she still found no heartbeat.  She got the ultrasound machine and I got a chuckle out of it.  I thought Xander was avoiding her so I could see him.  She put the scope on my belly and there layed a lifeless baby with no heart beat.  She pointed out the lack of a heartbeat and my world was set on fire.  They sent me to the hospital to confirm.  I couln't look.  I went home and cried till I threw up. 

The next morning I was sent to the hospital and began the most hellish 24 hours of my life.....

They took me to a private room and started to give me meds to induce me.  They took 15 vials of blood total.  They were trying to figure out what happened.  Everything had been fine till this point.  Later that evening the contractions were unbarable.  I kept thinking that I didn't want to get the epidural too early.  But then it hit me I couldn't drug Xander, he was already dead.

After the drugs I was pretty high, couldn't feel a thing.  I nodded in and out all night while I continued to take the meds.  Early that next morning my dr showed up and I was in labor.  He came out with three or four hard pushes.  I will never forgeth that moment when he came out, I wanted to die.  I held him for a few minutes.  I cried, I told him I was sorry and I gave him back.  We decided a funeral was apropriate after the nurses said they could dispose of it.  A few long hours later, they got me ready to go home.  I got my things and got in the wheelchair.  I was holding up well untill we hit the elevater and I realized that I was going home without my baby.  The whole thing was over.  I had a whole new life to go home to.  

Now almost 2 weeks later, I don't know how to feel better.  I have bagged up all the maternity clothes, all the baby stuff is locked up in a room I can not go into yet.  The last 7 months of my life I have been consumed by appointments and details.  Everything has been about Xander.  Before I got pregnant I was drinking and having "fun" everyday, living like a teenager.  So now, I feel like I don't want to go back to that life.  I am changed.  So I don't know where I fit now.  I don't know how to be a part of this life that is now mine.  I almost feel like I want to try again.  But the guy i'm with is still a very new relationship.  When we found out I was pregnant we jumped right into it and decided we could make it work.  Now I would be choosing to have a baby with him.  I'm not sure if I want to.  But I know I want a baby.  I'm not sure what will happen....... 

0etoiles 0etoiles 26-30 9 Responses Feb 27, 2009

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I'm sorry for your loss. I know the feeling all too well. My 5 year old still talks about her baby sister, saying she is with the angels and Jesus is taking care of her. Someday we will get to see our little angel, taken from us before their time but will always be in our hearts.

Hi Oetoiles Im soo for your Lose : ( This has just recently just happened to me and I dnt know what to do with my self : ( i feel lost and empty No1 in this world deserves to go through this x knowin we tried soo hard us to carry our special babies for that time and for them to go x

i know exactly how u feel , i am goin thru the same ordeal right now , i gave birth to dylan a week ago today after going to hospital at 27 wks and feeling no movement , they too listened for heartbeat , then did a scan to reveal he had indeed died , the feeling is indescribable , they sent me home and told me to go back in 48 hrs to induce labour , and all the way thru i was thinking maybe they got it wrong ? he was so tiny but so perfect , and like u say the hardest part is walking out thru those hospital doors and leaving yr baby behind . a week on i dont know how to feel , some days im crying from when i wake to when i go to sleep , other days i almost feel normal , but then the guilt is overwhelming , i still have the cot in my bedroom and cant bear to take it down , i have all the baby clothes put away in a drawer .we want to try again but im scared of it happening again , until i get results of post mortem we have no cause altho i was yesterday diagnosed with essential thrombocythaemia and all the signs point to that been the cause but docs are reluctant to admit this , if this is the case then it is probable that a simple baby aspirin a day could of prevented this? <br />
i still find myself stroking my belly and waiting for him to kick , its like been punched in the face.<br />
i miss my baby been inside me so much and just want that feeling back ,we still have to organise the funeral , which i am dreading , having to say goodbye again , <br />
i feel like i have been robbed , keep asking why us ? we did everything right and knowing these things just sometimes happens does not help does it ? life is so bloody unfair !! <br />
i am so sorry for the loss of yr little 1 , and i wish u well for the future.<br />
x

Reading this makes me feel like i am not alone although sometimes i feel so alone....I just lost my little boy 2 weeks ago, he was 27 weeks. I hope i can have the courage to share my story with you one day but it is so painful to write about it...maybe one day...

iam so sor for your lose i lost my baby girl at 36 weeks + she was due 15th ocktober 2011 and i had her 20th setptmber when thay toled me her hart wasunt beting it is the wrt thing i have gone throw nowing i have got 3 kides and thay are all hethy but i lost my lii gril i cry evey night and i speek to her evey day i look at her pichers all the time she was 4lb 8oz she was so tinny it is hard to write about it and its hard to tark about it but we have to let it out so uthere can see whot we go throw its only been 7 weeks for me

I wish I had my daughter back sometimes. But I remember that she is in the most beautiful place. Check out the book, Heaven is for real, about the 4yr old boy. My daughter's site tell's my story...www.babyevie.com. Sending prayers up for you!

xander will always be apart of you, your first born and the best thing ever. this i know as i lost my baby girl 5days after birth in 2009 September,due to a midwifes negligence.when i marked a year since then all i did was cry for 2days. we(moms who has lost angles)live by grace and every sight of a child is a reminder. make God your best friend and you will find comfort. am now ttc and the fear is gone, so dont fear no more.

xander will always be apart of you, your first born and the best thing ever. this i know as i lost my baby girl 5days after birth in 2009 September,due to a midwifes negligence.when i marked a year since then all i did was cry for 2days. we(moms who has lost angles)live by grace and every sight of a child is a reminder. make God your best friend and you will find comfort. am now ttc and the fear is gone, so dont fear no more.

I am so sorry. There are just no words. I pray that you are finding comfort.

I am so sorry for your loss. May God give you comfort and peace...and may some day you be reunited with your precious son.

Mu condulences are with you. My husband and I had a still birth years ago and it was one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever went through. I had so many emotions and aI blamed myself. If you ever need to vent chat I am here. Day or night.xx