Hope...after Stillbirth

I was 39 wks 6 days when i lost my baby jake ...just a day away from fullterm why me?

Id been into hospital the day before and was told my sons heartbeat had dipped but due to over crowding was sent home.

I went into labour some 12 hrs later arrived at the labour ward wheeled into my room and given an examination.

I could see clearly there was a problem the midwifes face said it all but i clung onto hope that i was imagining it...

She turned to me and said im sorry there is no heart beat...NOOO that cant be right...but i knew really my partner and i sat in complete shock...

They left us together as we clung to eachother unable to cry or speak...

10 minutes had passed and several midwifes returned to do tests ect...

Then i was told that i had to deliever my dead baby how  i couldnt .

I delivered jake 4 hrs later through the physical labour and the grief i was feeling at the loss of my son..my beautiful baby boy!

I remember  hearing another baby crying as i was in labour and thinking they had got it wrong hes alive..

It was 1 month till  we was able to bury him...due to the autopsy which came back negative.

It was i thought the longest month of my life..the pain and sense of loss was so unbearable...i cried and cried

I pushed my partner away...he reminded me too much of our son..

But the longest and worst days where yet to come day after day the loss and pain that pierced my heart was horrific...

I found a website for mothers who had stillborns and spoke with them and it was a great lifeline at the time and i will always be greatful to them for listening...to me.

Where does the hope come from you might say... in that its been 6 years this july that jake passed away...and i can say to anyone who has had a stillborn that it will become easier to cope with and that its time thats the healer...it will take years...

Its only now that im able to write without weeping and my heart goes out to any mother that has endured this loss....

please feel free to message me if you need to talk....love & hugs kerry xxx



ditavonchocolat ditavonchocolat
36-40, F
3 Responses Mar 25, 2009

cant belive the hospital sent you home they are to blame if your babys heart was dipping u should have had a c section i has a still born on the 26th april 2012 and it is the worst thing that could happen to eny one i have good days and bad days and cry almost every day i am so sorry for your loss and i know how it feels .xxx

thanks..i know its very hard..my chase would have been two months on feb 21 of this year..i cant seem to get it together..its the hardest thing ive ever been thru..they made me lay there and deliver my chase..even tho i knew he was gone..but thanks so much for your kind words...hugs and kisses to you too <3

HI,<br />
<br />
Thanks for writing about your story. I know exactly how you felt because I too lost my daughter about 6 weeks ago. Her name was Gianna. She was due in 3 weeks. Her cord had wrapped 4 times around her neck. <br />
I have days that I feel that I am coping but I also have days that I feel I will never be normal again. The pain is too intense. I have hope that it will get better. <br />
I find stories like yours helpful because they give me hope. So thanks again for writing about your experience.<br />