My Sleeping Son - Tyson James Christopher Butchart

Being pregnant with my Son was one of the most wonderful experiences of my life, in addition to being one of the most stressful. I had worries and concerns all throughout my pregnancy that I couldn't lay to rest. No matter who I spoke to at the Hospital, I couldn't get answers for any of the concerns that I had. I paid to see a private OB in addition to the care I was receiving within the Midwife clinic, and was finally sent for an ultra sound at 31 weeks. The ultra sound showed that I had higher than normal levels of amniotic and my baby was measuring large for dates, particularly his head. The private OB, and the midwives at the Hospital I was booked in to all told me this was fine and that further scans weren't required. Of course I researched this on the internet, and it came back saying stillbirth was a potential outcome. This terrified me and I tried to trust the medical professionals and their reassurance, but just couldn't put my mind to rest. I begged to be sent for further scans and to see OB's at the hospital but was declined. My pregnancy went on and I focused my attention on my 19 month old daugher.

On the 6th February I had a really busy morning and didn't pay much attention to my baby, but when I got home at about 12pm I realised I hadn't felt my baby move all morning. Not thinking much of it, I jumped into bed with a glass of coke and a glass of iced water to see if I could encourage him to move. After 2 hours with no movement I called the hospital and went down to be monitored. The midwives hooked me up to the fetal heart monitor and couldn't detect a heartbeat. I wasn't too worried as the midwife said it was an ancient machine and that they'd try the doppler. When the doppler also didn't pick up a heartbeat it didn't cross my mind to be worried. A Doctor and an ultra sound machine was brought in and when no fetal heart beat showed on the screen I still didn't panic. I think my mind was protecting me. No one said a word, the Doctor who was 25 weeks pregnant, burst into tears and that was when I realised. I jumped off the bed in an almost animalistic way, screaming and crying but without tears. I was angry, not sad. With the machine still attached to my belly I flew across the room, reaching into my handbag to bring out the ultra sound report which had shown that my amniotic fluid levels weren't normal. My partner and I were given a few moments to ourselves but I couldn't sit or be touched. I was pacing in anger, fear and terror.

I demanded that I be given a GA and the baby be removed via c section, I didn't think I would be able to endure the emotional and physical pain of a natural labour to my sleeping son. The midwives explained the pro's and con's of both a natural delivery and a c section and sent us home to think about it overnight. I decided that a natural labour was probably the best option, and we were booked in the next day, 11am, for an induction. They had decided to use pessery tablets that were to be inserted up to my cervix - one every 3 hours. On a course of 5 tablets. I was told it was to be a long hard process, as being only 35.5 weeks my body wouldn't be ready. I personally didn't think my body or mind would ever be ready to endure what it was about to endure. At this point I still didn't think I wanted to see my son and was terrified of the outcome of this whole process.

Tablet after tablet was inserted and I began having a bloody discharge, vomitting and worsening contractions. I was given pain relief as required and I thought that labour was progressing. After 15 hours and 5 tablets, my cervix was examined and was still closed. I was given further pain relief and advised they would begin another course of tablets. After 8 hours of being left alone by medical staff in my room, with no tablets inserted and no communication of what was happening I began to panic even further. I pressed for a c section which was declined but after checking my cervix which was still long, closed and hard it was finally agreed that it was probably the best option.

I was taken into theatre which I was terrified about, and my baby was delivered at 3.17pm Tuesday 8th Februray 2010. I have never experienced such emotion. I have never been so overwhelmed. To experience the joy of seeing your beautiful son for the first time, to hold him and have him. But not actually have him. The overwhelming sensations took over and I sent my baby away. I was taken into recovery for 40 minutes and then taken back to my room. My baby was brought in and he was wrapped in a blanket just like any other newborn. He was beautiful. Just like his big sister. He was 2.6kgs, 51cms in length and had a HC of 34cms. Just perfect. I was so in love, yet so heartbroken. Holding him and gazing at him hurt more than anything else I have ever done. I wanted to believe he would wake up. That he was still here with me.

It's been almost 2 weeks since his birth and death, the funeral is over, everything is dying down, but my emotions are only ramping up. Every day becomes harder. To begin with it was easy. There were things to focus on. Things that had to be done. Things that could let me pretend that all of this was just a bad dream. My partner goes back to work tomorrow, it'll be just me at home with my daughter. I'm terrified. Routine. How can there be routine that doesn't involve Tyson? How can I walk past his bedroom on a daily basis and know that he has never laid in there? Everything is a reminder. The pain from the c section, the scar on my belly, the stretch marks on my belly, the pain and milk in my breasts, the things we bought for him, my deflating stomach. Everywhere I go there is a reminder. If it's not something I see, it's someone else pointing it out - when are you due? how many weeks are you? where is your baby? I'm sorry - there is no baby!

I feel so much confusion. Why did this happen? Why did it happen to me? To us? But then I wouldn't wish it on another person, not even my worst enemy... so why not me? Did I do something wrong? Is it something I could have prevented? Did he not know that I loved him? I had so many other worries during pregnancy, so many other silly concerns, so much going on that sometimes I think I forgot to tell him that I loved him, that I needed him, that I wanted him. Is that why he went away? We are yet to receive the autopsy report so I am unsure of the reason of his death... I'm not sure if it was related to my excess amniotic fluid. I am looking forward to receiving the report but am also terrified. What if it shows that it's something I could have prevented? How will I ever forgive myself?

I miss him so much. I feel so empty. I'm not sure how I am going to get through this. But I have to for my daughter. I guess that will keep me getting out of bed. Keep me eating. Keep me moving. But at the moment it's all just motions. I feel for my daughter. It was a bad pregnancy, so for 8 months I was a boring mummy who just wanted to stay indoors, I didn't take her out, I didn't run with her, I didn't play with her, in hindsight I was probably depressed. Still am. But the whole time it was okay because she was going to have a sibling to play with, and after the birth she would have her mummy back. And now? There's no sibling... and an even more depressed mummy. My partner says it's okay she wont remember. But I will.

The overwhelming sadness is enough to engulf you. I know it's only been 2 weeks... but I dont know how I'll get through another week, let alone another 2 weeks, or a lifetime. I wish so much my Tyson was here. I wish so much I could hold him and tell him I love him. I wish so much that I didn't have the image of him all alone. No baby should be alone. I wish so much that he could know how much I wanted him.

tysonsmummy tysonsmummy
22-25, F
4 Responses Feb 21, 2010

You are are a perfect mother to two beautiful children now.Tyson came and took his Poppy to heaven.

i lost my son at 38 wks 2 and a half months ago. I am feeling the same way that you describe in your story. I do not know what happened to carter they say most likely a cord accident. I wonder how you are doing now does it ever get better. I feel like it is worse for me every day and wonder how others move on

I know the pain you are going through, I lost my son 25 weeks on 20 August 09. All the things you are feeling are normal and are a process of the grief, we have to go through that in order to heal. I know the only thing that kept me alive the first few months were my other 2 sons aged 6 and 3. I read your story and cried for your loss but I promise you it does get better. We will never forget our beautiful angels and the pain will never leave us but over time living with it does become easier. You just have to find your own time and your own way. My every joy is in my living sons and my partner who are all 3 true miracles to me. Take joy in your daughter and remember what blessings you do have - it's what got me through. I still have serious ups and downs, it can feel like you're on a roller coaster at times, I just try and keep from falling off.<br />
If you ever want to talk just send me a message and I'll get back to you asap. <br />
Be gentle with yourself.

I am so so so very sorry for your loss, no Mother should ever have to go through this ever. My pain is bad from the death of my baby but I was only 10 weeks along. My body had not realised it was not pregnant anymore and I had to be induced in hospital and deliver a tiny baby. That was Wednesday this week and the grieve is really hard to deal with - like someone has ripped your heart out, I think part of me has died when I saw no heartbeat on the screen and I am terrified of the thought of pregnancy. But if we have one thing in common - we both have other children that need us. Our babies are angels in heaven I like to think they all play together in heaven. I know your pain is bad because Ia m only feeling a fraction of what you have been through. from the moment you find out your pregnant you do get attached and its not fair for them to be snatched away. I dont want my baby to be alone I imagine it alone and feel I should have brought it home for burial but my partner preferred cremation a service offered at the hospital. Please try to focus on your daughter she needs you - you will get peace from her, they are moments when I just want to cuddle my son to remind me that i still have a baby. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time. xxxx