Post

My Baby Was Stillborn At 36 Weeks...

     I just lost my baby too. I was almost 36 weeks and I hadn't felt the baby move for a day. I thought it was because I was busy cleaning and I was moving around too much to notice. That had happened before. But, I something didn't feel right....so I went in to see my doctor. There was no heartbeat.
     My pregnancy had been uneventful until I was about 30 weeks.  I went in for a growth ultrasound and the tech went to get my doctor.  My doc explained to me that they couldn't tell for sure if my baby was a boy or a girl. ( At 21 weeks, we were told we were having a girl.)  So, my doctor sent me to a fetal medicine specialist that day.  I went and he didn't know what to make of it either.  Everything else looked healthy.  I was told that the specialist wanted to do an amniocentesis, but wouldn't do it until 36 weeks.  So, we waited....  My husband came home from his deployment in early May.  He had been gone since I was 14 weeks pregnant.  We were discussing what we would do after we found out what gender our baby was from the amniocentesis.  Our baby would need surgeries....so we were just discussing scenarios to try to be prepared.  Through all of this, we were told that our baby's situation was not life-threatening and that our baby was healthy otherwise.  
     After finding out that our baby had no heartbeat, we went home to decide when to have labor induced.  We decided to go back to the hospital that evening.  I was told by my doc that it would most likely take several doses of Cytotec to ripen my cervix and that I would be getting a dose every 3-4 hours through the night.  I got my first dose at 7pm....then another at 1am.  By 3am, I was only dilated to 3cm and about 80% effaced, but my contractions were on top of each other.  So, I asked for the epidural.  I got relief pretty quickly and I was able to rest a little.  I woke up at 7am....I didn't immediately realize where I was.....I couldn't move my legs.  Then, it all came back to me....I remembered where I was and why I was there and I was panic-stricken.  My wonderful husband was by my side and has been wonderful through it all.
     At 9am, my nurse sat me straight up in bed so I could "labor down."  At 10am, I was ready to push.  Our beautiful baby was born May 26th, 2010 at 10:47am.  6 pounds, 8 ounces, and 19.5 inches long....blonde hair, his Daddy's lips....born sleeping.  I recovered physically pretty quickly.....I surprised myself.  I held our baby immediately....my husband and mom were both there in delivery.  My husband was awesome....best labor coach ever.  We allowed the doctor to take the baby and get a piece of muscle to check the chromosomes since we never made it to the amniocentesis.  (It was scheduled for May 28th.)  Then they brought our baby back in and we all held him....we had pictures taken of him.  We went home around 4:30pm that day.  
     I referred to our baby as "he" above, but we didn't know that until 2 weeks after his birth.  We didn't know chromosomally what gender our baby was until the testing came back.  We are still waiting on the chromosomes to tell us if he had a genetic syndrome.  However, the preliminary autopsy showed that our baby had no female anatomy, only male parts.  We still don't have an answer as to why our baby was stillborn.  The autopsy so far has revealed no gross abnormalities.  Then, when I am 6 weeks postpartum, I will have to have blood drawn to check for coagulation disorders, etc.  So, all this is a waiting game.
    Even though we didn't have all the answers, it did help to find out our baby's gender....so we could name him.  We named him Brayden James.  To tell you the truth, I could look at my baby's face and tell he was a boy.  Maybe it was my intuition.  
    Now we are just taking things day by day....sometimes hour by hour.  I want Brayden back so bad.  Sometimes I'm okay, but most of the time I feel lost.  I don't know what my purpose is anymore.  I believe in God and I am a Christian.  I just don't understand any of this.  We wanted our baby and we were so excited.  I don't know what to do with myself.  

March 9th, 2012
UPDATE

     I wanted to update our story.  Genetic testing came back on Brayden and my bloodwork came back....all normal.  We still have absolutely no idea what killed our baby.  That is a tough pill to swallow.  Everyone should have an answer.  I have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that we can find decomposed bodies and determine cause of death, but no one could find out what murdered our Brayden.
     Since I was deemed healthy and didn't have any reason to believe it would be unsafe for me to try to have another child, we started trying again.  It was an agonizing 7 months.  I found out I was pregnant purely by accident.  I had had what I thought was a really bad period in January....it was right on time with my cycle.  I had been experiencing extreme fatigue and I went to the doctor just knowing I might have thyroid issues.  The doc checked a serum pregnancy test as well even though she said she doubted that I could be pregnant.  As I was having my blood drawn, I was a hair away from passing out.  That is SO not like me!  I went home and took a pregnancy test and it was undoubtedly positive!!!  Talk about being elated and terrified all at once!  I really thought it had to be a cruel joke. 
So, there we went...pregnant again.  Another little angel.  It was a nervous pregnancy to say the least.  I had a significant bleed at 12 weeks and I was sure that that was it.  Terrified I was going to lose another baby.  However, he hung on with us and Liam was born September 9th, 2011.  He is absolutely perfect in every way.  Six months later I still feel like I watch every breath because I cannot believe he is actually here.  We are so thankful and blessed beyond measure.
I still miss Brayden everyday.  There isn't a thing in the world that can lessen the pain of losing a baby.  Sometimes it's worse than others.  When I do things for Liam, I can't help but think that I should be doing them for a 22 month old and Liam.  While I see other mothers that voice being so overwhelmed with two little ones, I would just like the chance.  I guess I'd feel the same way they do if Brayden had lived.  It's true that you really don't know what you had until it's gone.  I thank you all for your support and comments.  My hope is that by being so transparent though our journey, that someone in the same position can glean some hope from our story.  Even though we've endured great (probably the greatest) pain, we have also been so very blessed beyond measure.  God is good and He will always make a way.  Stay faithful and whatever experience you've been through.....let it make you better, not bitter.
braydensmom braydensmom 26-30, F 49 Responses Jun 12, 2010

Your Response

Cancel

I am so sorry for your loss. As a first time expecting mother, I worry about this. That is amazing you are able to share this story with others and the ultimate blessing you recieved (Liam). God bless Brayden. I truly commend you for finding the strength to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You are a very strong woman! And your husband is a strong man as well. Your words really have made my day and given me a new strength, thank you for this.

God is truely great and we must all trust in Him 100%.. God is gonna open so much more doors for you,,,,just trust Him. I too lost my son at three weeks after birth and seven years after had a mistcarriage at 10weeks. When i went to do an ultra sound at 10 wks,, i was told that the baby died at 7weeks and had to do a dnc. Few months later i got pregnant again carrying a healthy child that God had promised me..... Wait on the Lord, Trust Him, Have Faith,,,,He will grant onto us everything that was lost...All that pain will be healed and a clould of fruitful laughter will reign. Trust in God......Every pain we go through is to make us stronger.

I just lost my son at 26 weeks two weeks ago. I feel so many emotions at once and anger is at the top of my list. Why us? Why a loving couple who truly wanted this baby? Your story is a breath of fresh air because of your oh so happy new beginning. I only hope and pray we will be so lucky.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I couldn't imagine pain you have went through. God bless you and your family

I am so sorry ladies to all of you especially bradens mom i can tell by your post you are still hurting i hope everyday that goes by you know that he will be still that baby you love so much when u see him again right now he is your cherip angel he is watching over you with gods help he brought you your other son i lost a baby for the first time i hear people talk about it but never could understand there pain until i lost a baby@8 weeks although not fully a baby it hurt just the same now im 32 weeks pregnantand loosing him would be so hard i decided to stop praying and give it to god and let him stop my fears .

I really feel the pain u are going thru and no words can lighten the pain in anyway,I wish u the best with Ur new baby and the grieving of losing Ur first born child.

Im chris and im in the hospital with the love of my life we were told today at 30 weeks our cameron had no heart beat in a flat out cruel way idk what to do here anymore i was changing my sons diaper when it really hit me ill never get the chance to change camerons diaper i cant imagine how bad she hurts i know i do i would lay my head on her belly and talk to him and he would kick for me and that was my only way of bonding with him. she is soon to deliver i still have hope they are wrong and he is alive but idk if its just that i dont have the assurance or what i cant imagine seeing my child not living i should be gone before my child i dont understand how to deal with this and comfort her at the same time. god i hope they are wrong im holding together by a thread and if they are right i will lose it. i really hope this story will help us through and thank you for sharing it. god bless

Hi Chris,
I am so so sorry that you both are going through this. You are the first Dad that I've had to respond. I know that it was so hard on my husband. As men, you guys want to fix everything. There's no fixing this though. From my experience, I'll tell you that there were times that I didn't want my husband to try to fix anything or to talk, I just wanted him to sit with me while I cried and cry with me if he wanted. I know you men aren't criers though. Men are expected to go back to work and keep moving. Please allow yourself time to grieve....this is a lifetime process (I wish I could tell you different). Try to remember all the things you and Amber did while pregnant with Cameron. That helped me. I would think about all the neat things we all did together. Our son didn't live outside of me, but he sure did a lot in his short 36 weeks. I pray you have a good support system of family and friends. I'll keep you both in my prayers and we are here for you!

I just lost my baby he was 29 weeks and 3 days. I had him on my 36th birthday and he also died on our birthday 9/23/2013. I am lost and broken. I feel like I didn't do the right things. It was due to poor circulation in the umbilical cord. The Hospital said he stopped growing like he should at about 23 -24 weeks. He was the size of a 23-24 week fetus. I naturally went into labor and when I got to the hospital. There was no heartbeat. I know he moved that day really early in the morning. I miss him, he loved music and being outside. He had him naturally no pain killers and I held him. I got to take pictures and enjoy some time with him. He is my angel in the sky and the greatest birthday gift. I am having a hard time dealing with this and play back what I could have did to change the outcome. I am confused if I want more children or not. I have 2 older boys and decided my baby was gonna be my last. I think I would feel guilty because I think everyday about what I would have been doing if he made it. I am broken. I love you my little angel Rylan.

Hi,
I'm so sorry to hear about Rylan. Please know that you did nothing to cause this. I know that's hard to think about. I'm thankful that you spent time with him and got pictures. I cherish my pictures everyday. I'll keep you in my prayers with all my angel mommies and please know that we are here for you.

I lost my baby boy Liam last week. Aug21 2013..this thread really touched me.I havent done much research on possible causes since it happened.its been too hard..but I figure the autopsy will come out inconclusive. ...like most do.he would be my second, my first is an almost 2 yearold.and I cant put into words how much his life means to me.I never thought I could love him more than I already did...but how I was wrong. Liam was delivered at 36 weeks but I hadnt felt him move for two weeks....a couple days after my last ob apt....I thought he was too big to have room to kick since he never liked to kick hard to begin with. ...plus I ciuld still feel his weight shifting and settling. I dont know if I was in denial or simply clueless....it was quite different from my first sons prenatal characteristics ..but I just...had no idea. I started feeling lightheaded ,my heart would start racing, my chest would feel tight and I would get the sensation I was about to faint around 33 weeks . It persisted up to his birth and happened about 1 or twice a day.Does anyone know if that would indicated something was happening? They said he didn't have aanything wrong with his cord.I haven't gotten autopsy results yet... Im taking this day by day but I just want to not hurt so badly I want to feel happy my baby boy is with God so desperatley. I wan t to be back in the hospital so it wont feel so real. I'm on Prozac and for a short amount of time Ativan.. im just really jotting thoughts down right now.seeking comfort I feel like such a burden to th ose around me...an d they want to be here for me. Im just not sure of anything right now

So so sorry to hear about Liam\'s loss. You are so early in your grieving process....and it will be very important that you do your \'grief work.\' It sounds really strange, but it is work. Right now, you have so many questions and the looming possibility that you will always have that question of \'What happened?\' I promise you that if Liam\'s autopsy comes out inconclusive and you always have that question, it does become easier to bear. I spent a lot (too much I\'m sure) of time on the internet doing research. It\'s kind of inevitable with today\'s technology. I caution you that you are going to find all sorts of things. You will find some things that aren\'t at all helpful and are mostly disturbing. Try to stay on reputable websites....legitimate medical sites and \'mommy\' blogs that are helpful to you and your experience. Please know that you did nothing wrong. I\'ve often discussed with my dr that I know in my heart that even if I was in the hospital....if his heart stopped, they wouldn\'t have had the time to get him out before he passed. I\'m a medical professional and sometimes knowing too much doesn\'t help, but sometimes it does. Little Liam is with our Heavenly Father now and you will always wish that you could have him back. There\'s no amount of time that can take that feeling away....it does get easier to bear though. I pray that you have a support system. Don\'t be afraid to call on your closest friend(s) and let them know how you feel or if you just want to talk. You will find that the people in your life may say things that feel hurtful....those people just don\'t know what to say and are trying to say whatever they can to help. It\'s best most times just to be there....they don\'t have to say anything....just listen. I found that counseling, accupuncture, zoloft, and my faith helped me more than anything. You are never alone! (((hugs)))

Thank you so much for your reply. Ive never joined any of these mass thread sites before but I just couldn\'t sleep last night and needed to get some things off my mind. I\'ll be taking stock of the acupuncture idea. and as for everything else thank you

This post touched my heart. I've lost 2 babies I am on my 3rd pregnancy and its going strong she is due in 7 weeks and kicks like craxy. I went to the store to get everything she needs the other day and started crying my eyes out looking at the baby stuff thinking to myself how much I wish I had had my other 2 angels with me, it still hurts me to this day and I don't think it will ever stop. and its hard to sleep thinking about all the bad things that could happen or go wrong. I just hope Emma makes it to her due date and comes out healthy.

I pray that baby Emma is still doing well. It won\'t be too much longer. I hope that your OB is sensitive to your experiences and works with you. Never be afraid to be honest and tell your drs and nurses what you\'ve experienced and how you are feeling. It\'s been my experience that they will give you more of the emotional support you need at a time like this if you are honest and open with them. (((hugs!)))

thankyou so much for you posting this,am undergoing the same thing i lost my daughter on 20th july 2013,i was 37weeks pg all was wel with her and with the whole pregnancy but she was born still,i still don´t really know what caused her death either,its really painful whenever i think about her ,but this message of you has given me hope thanks once again.

So sorry :(.....this is definitely a \'club\' that no one wants to be a part of. I know that everything is so numb right now for you. I\'m glad that you found Brayden\'s story hopeful. I promise you that there is always hope....it may not feel like it, but there is. Hang in there! (((hugs)))

I really dnt know how I can cope with the lost of my zion amare.. I lost him 2 weeks ago today at my 32 week. He was a surprise to me because I just assumed that I could not have children. I was so excited to meet him, and I am so devastated that I never got that opportunity. I know time heals all wounds, and I'm trying to have faith, but I just feel sad, depressed, and alone. I would like to hear any advice on what were some of the things that you guys did to cope with such a devasting lost.. Thanks in advance

Hey Maria, i think you should let your Dr give you a prescription for some anti depressants, and also it helps to start a diary, the sadness can turn into anger pretty fast and then you are really going to need to vent, and it will also help for the depression and sadness, you shouldn't keep those feelings in and there isn't always going to be someone there to listen, also people are going to start to move on with they'r lives as if nothing ever happened, that just makes you feel even more alone and stuck, and just be patient with yourself it is normal to feel the way you do and you are not in this alone, there are people who understands you're pain. Sorry for your loss Maria xx

Maria, I am truly so sorry for your loss. I will say that I got a counselor a couple of months afterwards.....I should've done it sooner, but you know that you are just in 'survival mode' right now. Then I added acupuncture. I was doing my best not to be on antidepressants because I knew that we wanted to try to get pregnant again and I didn't want to be on meds. However, being SO depressed for SO long can eventually change your brain chemistry to where you are never "normal" again. So, I started on zoloft and that combined with my counseling, acupuncture, and my faith in God....not to mention my family and friends, helped me get to where I am now. There isn't a moment that goes by that I don't think of Brayden or what he would look like now or what he and his little brother Liam would be doing.....but I eventually found a peace. It's not something that turns on like a light switch, but something that replaces your pain slowly piece by piece. I still have rough days. Brayden's third birthday is coming up. It's so hard to think that it's been three years. You WILL eventually find your joy again. You will find joy in your family and friends again. Just be gentle with yourself....take pride in the little victories....getting out of bed and showering....going out for a short errand. These are all victories for people like us who have experienced this tremendous loss. This will take time and there's no way to say how long. When you feel like you are in a hard place and you can't see yourself going on, please find a friend or family member to lean on. Maybe that day you just need to rest your mind and body and there's no shame in that. Just take it slow and be mindful of being kind to yourself. <3

I understand I lost my first baby as well. Was pregnate in December and lost baby in Febuary. I was sick with head cold and coughing through the whole thing. I had terrianle doctor who didn't care or tell me what to do to perpare my first time and after my lost I was un aware of my conditions. I found in this time of great pain in my body that most women endure maybe more. My husband was a big comfort and prayer. I also believe I had lots of angels watching out for me and praying that night I suffered so much pain when i lost her. I knew my baby was a girl and for one day I saw her and her heart beat the week before she died. The speacil thing i learned is i will see my elizabeth again one day. She'd waiting like so many others for their mothers. We are not alone she is with you in spirit and just know she is with god. Her purpose of getting body is done. though she had to leave you. She loves you and watches over you like god our father. I know it's hard to have faith, Greiving is good. I cried many nights and days. I still think of the pain. I also think of if it wasn't for my prayers of my family I wouldn't have made it through so much pain. It made me admire Jesue Christ so much more because he suffered more then I. I'm so greatful Families are forever. We will see our children again, god loves us. Our children Live with god and await for us to come home.

I lost my baby at 16 weeks. I found out when I went to my second ultrasound appointment. I was hoping to find out the sex but was given the worst news of my life. I could not stop crying as I walked through the doctors office. All those expectant mothers must have been so scared. I knew some could tell what had happened.

After calming down a bit, My husband and I decided to induce the next day. By this time, I was very angry. The hospital was trying to make me as comfortable as they could through the whole process but it was useless.

My husband laid with me in the hospital bed for two days as we waited for the baby to come. When it happened, the nurses were going through a shift change and it was only me and my husband in the room. I could feel my baby lying there, in between my legs, but refused to look or pick him up. My husband ran to go get someone and then I was truly alone. I couldn't believe I went through all of this pain only to have nothing in return. I couldn't cry, I couldn't think about anything. I was at the lowest point in my life at that moment.

I was still n a lot of pain when they came back because the placenta had not come out. I was quickly dragged away from my husband holding our son to undergo a DNC. When everything was over, I was still very groggy. I could see our baby being baptized and that was it.

I went home and back to work immediately. I cried at night, screaming out that I wanted my baby back. I was so mean to my husband for things he didn't even do. While visiting his family, his cousin came in with her newborn and some insensitive person asked me if I wanted to hold him. I politely said no and walked the other room to cry.


It wasn't until 2 months later that I learned that I was pregnant again. I am still pregnant while writing this to you. I am 18 weeks and as far as I know things are going smoothly. I think that it happened too quickly. I still miss my son. I'll update you as I move along.

I am so sorry Krista.....my prayers are with you and your husband.

If this was true i feel bad but it seems fishy because if your baby wasn't still born and he had been born at 36 weeks you would know the sex, so how did it take genetic testing to find that out, i find that quite bizarre. It doesn't even take a doctor to figure that out it only takes a pair of eyes. To not know the sex would be really early on in the pregnancy like early first trimester.

"If this was true"???? Really? You should do more research before you respond on such a sensitive subject. Fetuses with ambiguous genitalia happen more often than you think. First off they look like girls, because you cannot see any genitalia protruding from between their legs. However, in Brayden's case, when I was further along, there was a protrusion, but not large enough for the ultrasound technician to definitively say he was a boy. There is also a condition called Congential Adrenal Hyperplasia that can cause the baby to have male genitalia when it is actually genetically female. This is an extremely life-threatening condition as the baby's electrolytes become imbalanced and that can cause cardiac arrest if not recognized and treated. If my son had been born alive at 36 weeks, we would still have had to undergo testing to make sure of his gender and to figure out what to do as far as corrective surgery. Telling Brayden's story is meant to help those out there who have experienced stillbirth. If you haven't experienced the loss of a child, I wouldn't expect you to know anything about the pain and anguish....nor would I expect you to put your insensitive comments on here. The people who've commented on here come because they are looking for someone with a similar experience so they can work through their grief. They need support and comfort. They don't need to see judgmental and callous comments. I advise you to refrain from commenting further on my page.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans i have for you says the Lord plans to prosper you and not harm you plans to give you a hope and a future.

Back in october 2012 it was confirmed that my boyfriend and i were expecting our first baby.I look back now on how excited i was, a little nervous and a lot of hopeful.I come from a full gospel pentecost Holiness church with many leadership responsibility's so when my pregnancy took place naturally I was asked to step down and relieve myself of my leadership which for a while sat bitter but in time God healed my heart and eventually i kept pressin forward. Although my leaders were disappointed in my actions still they all embraced my little unborn baby and remained supportive throughout the entire experience.My boyfriend , I thank God for Him he never left my side he was there at every appointment along with my mother and occasionally my sister anticipating every moment and always trying to find a way to help out .Being a husband and father is something one day in Gods timing i know he will be unbelievably awesome in. Anyway in December they told me i was 5 weeks turns out at my altra sound in january i was actually 5 months.lol:)and that it was indeed a BABY BOY all the more the excitement grew.

Day by day inch by inch pound by pound head to toe changes happened good ones but for some reason I knew that something seemed wrong .Physical abnormalties started occuring in and out of my body ,so one day i told my doctor of these things but still nothing.Then the next follow up altra sound my doctor said they need better pictures beacuse his hands were in the way of his heart so there going to send me to another hospital. Finally that day came and we were in town at this hospital again day dreaming and gladly planning everything were going to do after word ,what restaurant were going to eat at to what kind of foods were going to have at the baby shower (we had know knowledge that the real reason why we were sent there) UNTIL.The doctor there (an angel from the Lord) happened to be a close friend of our church family and i guess she could tell from our smiles that we had no idea the reason we were there and the extreeme of the matter.SHE asked HER BOSS and her BOSSES BOSS as well as some of the ELETE DOCTORS in in the hospital to COME IN. LATER that appointment we were told that our baby boy had a SEVERE HEART DEFECT (NO CHROMOSOME CAUSE) and he was MOSTLIKELY not going to make it AND IF he does HE WOULD under-go LOTS of SURGEY and STILL may NOT make it.IT CAME AS A COMPLETE SHOCK TO MY FAMILY AND I .I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT MYSELF .I NEVER WOULD HAVE IMAGINED MISCARRIAGE FOR MYSELF . I CRIED & WE CRIED . MY HEART WEAPED FOR MY SON BUT I ASKED LORD TO TELL ME HOW TO PRAY BECAUSE I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY:( THEN for the first time in a long time i said the most UNSELFISH prayer for my baby and our little ohana .

1 week later I CAN STILL REMEMBER TILL THIS DAY HIS LAST KICKS.IT WAS LATE MAYBE ALMOST MIDNIGHT WE WERE ALL IN BED I WOKE UP INBETWEEN DREAMS BECAUSE BABY WAS MOVING RAPIDLY SUMMER SALTING KICKING NUDGING SWIMMING.I BELIEVE HE WAS SAYING HIS GOOD BYE"S ENJOYING HIS LAST MINUETE ON EARTH DANCING. that next morning till our appointment NO MOVEMENT AND FOR THE FIRST TIME FEELING MY BELLY NO HEARTBEAT. March 19th 2013 we went in for a follow up appointment.OUR BABY had been pronounced "PASSED". He did not make it at 6 months he passed away.WE CRIED i tried to be strong the doctors did there best to console and my family weaped in awe for our LOST on EARTH. WE STAYED TILL THE 22nd of FEBUARY.

ON FEBRUARY 20 2013 i gave birth to My First Son KYLE HEZEKIAH CHAI .AS I EMBRACED HIM ON THE LABORING BED HELD HIM CLOSE,THE WARMEST HUG IVE EVER HAD.AFTER MY FAMILY HAD EMBRACED BABY CHAI AND A DAY LATER WE RELEASED HIS PHYSICAL BODY AND LEFT THE HOSPITAL.

I KNOW HE'S IN PARADISE AND HEAVEN IS HIS HOME . THOUGH WE MOURNED THE DAYS WE COULD NOT SPEND WE REJOICE IN THE ONES WE DID.I COUNT IT A BLESSING 6 months and for rest of my life.HIS MEMORY WIL ALWAYS LIVE IN MY HEART.

I LOVE BABY CHAI AND DADDY TOO <3

Im thankful to have this oppertunity to share my heart with others.My prayers for all of you and your families that the Lord send comfort to your hearts peace even when things are unsure or seem unfair.God bless you.-ena

I am so sorry for your loss of baby Chai. I pray that you have the love and support you need to grieve properly for him. &lt;3

so srry for ur lost, my heart goes out to any parent that experiences this..

Reading your post make me so sad i know exactly how that feels i still feel so lost most of the time, i lost my little baby girl the 7th of April 2011, just a few days and it would be two years. She was my first child and she passed when i was 39 weeks, the cord went around her neck , i have already started going into labour that morning and i was at the dr and she was still alive and everything seemed to be fine, that night at 8 i finally went to the hospital when the contractions got to bad to handle, they couldnt find a heart beat but every now and then it picked up a heart beat from the nurse as she was moving it around but eventually they did a sonar and there was no heart beat, if only my labour progressed a little faster she might still be alive, the labour was extremely painfull, she was sunny side up and i never dialated further than 8cm i had alot of problems afterwards. I never thought i would want to try again until recently, but now im just to scared, i honestly dont think i would survive it again, but my life is so empty, i always wanted a child, i wish i could get one without getting pregnant, how do you deal with the fear? I am so glad you got your baby, and i wish you all the best xx

Thank you Chicki25. I am so sorry for the loss of your angel and for all your physical and emotional anguish. The fear is a constant. What keeps me going is the love of my husband, family, friends, and Liam. I was so scared to try to get pregnant again, but it was all worth it. I hope that your heart moves you in the right direction for you. &lt;3

My heart gose out to all you women i too know your pain i lost my beautiful baby boy at 26 weeks he was born 4/28/05 2lbs 1oz so tiny he left me at 6 days old since then ive never been the same ive tried to be strong about it but lately its been very hard people have said with time it would get better it only seems to be getting worse i just wish id wake up and hed be any here with me :(

Babyleosmama, as you know, no matter how long ago it happened, the pain is always there. Is it possible that you didn't allow yourself the proper grieving process? Life tends to push us to move on too quickly....sometimes it's family or friends that think it would be better for us to just move on. I pray that you have some peace in your heart and mind soon. Like I said, you will always have that pain of losing your sweet babe, but hopefully you will find a good way for you to cope. &lt;3

Hi I know exactly how you feel, I lost my second baby when i was 36 weeks pregnant. It was a huge shock. I hadnt felt the baby for 2-3 days and didnt realize it as i was really busy with my daughter and studies. After having contractions for more than 24 hours we went to hospital thinking we would happily come back home with our second baby but unfortunatly when we were seen by the midwife and doctors we were told they couldnt find any heartbeat. My whole world changed in those few seconds. It is been more than a year now but there is no one single day i dont remember him. He looked exactly like our daughter who was born exactly one 1 year and 8 days before. It is the worst thingg that can happen to anyone and i wouldnt wish it to my worst enemy.

roshni1989, so sorry for your loss. You're right...the entire world changes in that instant. You never look at anything the same way again. Prayers to you and your family. &lt;3

braydensmom: I can't say that I know what you are going through. I have not lost a child, although had close calls. I can say, that God's hand is ALWAYS on you and in everything that happens to you and for you. From the moment we are born God begins weaving our "tapestry of life". We look up toward Heaven and see these beautiful threads being woven into that tapestry. We see beautiful blues, yellows, greens, rose. We even see golden and silver colors. We think, "Ok thank you God for such beautiful colors in our tapestry. They are so gorgeous." Then all of a sudden we see a dark ugly thread appear. Then we ask, "God, why? Why are you putting that dark thread there? It is so ugly. I don't like it. It is making me feel sick and it I hurt from it. Please, take it out. I don't understand it." Then we see beautiful colors once again and we feel good again. Then on occasion we see the ugly, painful colors again and we once again question God and cry out in pain and sadness. Then finally comes the day that we get to touch the face of God and he takes our hand and says, "My child, from the moment you were born I began creating your 'great tapestry of life'. Each moment of every day I would weave threads that would define your life. Some days you were pleased and joyful in the weaving and other days you would cry out with tears. Although your tears were painful to me, I still had to weave the tapestry as needed. Now you get to see the tapestry in its completeness." When you gaze upon the tapestry, you see the finished work. How beautiful. Your whole life with such vivid colors and definition. Then you realize. That along with the beauty of the bright colors, you needed the dark threads to bring true beauty and definition to your life and to who you are. That without them all of the other colors would have just run together making a tapestry of blurred colors with no true meaning. Even though, from the bottom side, we don't understand the weaver's plans... when we see the finished work from the topside, we see it is truly a Master's creation painstakingly made with all of His love for us, one thread at a time.
God Bless You and rest easy knowing that Brayden's hand has touched the face of God and that He sleeps in the arms of our creator. Your sister in Christ, Vanessa

Thank you Vanessa!!! &lt;3

What an inspiration you are. And what a gut wrenching story. I have 3 little boys and cannot imagine losing one of them!
God bless!

Thank you Daisy! &lt;3

God Bless this gives me hope. I had my baby girl 12-18-12 and she survived a short time. I was 24 weeks along when Hanna was born. I had a 100% placental abruption and 13 hours of labor, all along thinking I had the flu. I was rushed in to a c-section within 10 minutes of arriving at L&D. I guess I had some troubles and ended up almost with a hysterectomy. I woke up in the ICU with my husband holding our baby girl and after they took me off the vent I got to hold her. I struggle with this everyday and my husband has a baby girl from his first marriage, so I feel like it hit harder with me. But I have faith that I will be blessed again. Thank You

I am so sorry to hear about Hanna. I am thankful you got to hold her....I can't imagine your anguish as you wait to be taken off the vent so you could get to her. My prayers are with you! &lt;3

I had my baby boy at 39 weeks and six days he was the most perfect little human being in the world! Freddie is his name 4 an a half years ago I had him on 4th of July my world has been so torn apart when he died I still dream about him now and think of him everyday as well as visit his resting place man the things I would do to get him back, he also had a autopsy and came back as inconclusive!! I mean 4 days from his due date so so,hard to come to terms with!! :(

I so understand.....not having a reason is so hard. Especially in this world where everything has a scientific reason behind it. I pray that you get some peace in your heart for Freddie. My prayers are with you! &lt;3

I am now 28 years old and lost a baby girl when I was 15. The pregnancy was perfect and everything going great, the first Dr. appointment that her dad missed is the one where we found out that she died. The night befor the appointment she was moving and kicking like she always did around 10PM and the appointment the following morning my mother took me because he had to work and they couldnt find her heart beat so they did an ultrasound and saw there was no movement and that her heart was not beating and they explained our options. We called her dad to come down since there was a problem and he came immediately, they asked what we wanted to do and I didnt understand a thing, we went home and induced first thing the next morning so we could get prepared, I had her early morning of July 2, 2000. We held her, took pictures, had her baptised at the hospital, and the hospital took newborn pictures as well. We buried her on the 4th of July 2000. Nothing seems real still to this day. I still feel like it never really happened and that someone told me that part of my life. Being so young didnt not help at all because I was so young I could not understand what was going on and could not process it in my head. We had the autopsy done and it was inconclusive, which does not help any. Honestly I dont think that anything can help, people same time heals, honestly I dont believe that either because it has been almost 12 1/2 years and it still does not feel real at all and everyday life since then still does not feel real. Losing a child is the worst possible thing and I dont think that anyone will fully recover just cope with the outcome of it. I am truly sorry for everyones loss and having to go through what all of you have been through, this is something no body should ever have to experience or know this feeling....

I can't imagine being so young and having this happen....I am so sorry. I hope that you can reconcile that you were so young at the time that you had no idea how to grieve for your baby. I hope that you don't beat yourself up for that. I pray that you gain peace and know that your baby girl will reunite with you one day. &lt;3

I am now 20 and expecting my 1st baby that I have not lost yet. When I was a very young teen I got pregnant and lost 4 babies. Reading this have me hope that maybe we will be ok and that our son will be ok too. Thank you for sharing this.

How are you doing? Praying that all is well with you. Haven't read further yet. Hope you share when your joy arrives. Keeping you in my prayers. Vanessa aka Seinmhair

I hope that your pregnancy is still going well....maybe you've already had your baby? Keep us posted :)

Dear Brayden's Mom

I am sorry for your loss, I too lost my daughter Elsa at 37 weeks. However we knew that she would not live after the 20 week scan. But that does not in anyway change the immense love you have for your baby. Each baby is an individual and is loved in its own right. I am a Christian too and I know that one day Jehovah will fulfill the promise of ressurection made possible through Jesus Christ. But until that day I am sad and will always have a piece of my heart missing. Liam is lucky to have a mum and dad that love he and his brother Brayden soo much.
Mother of Elsa (nov 2011) and soon to be to Enya (due Jan 2013) - Bek

I know this is a bittersweet time for you. I hope that your pregnancy with Enya has been as uneventful as possible and pray that your delivery is safe and joyous! Elsa will be a big sister angel soon!

I am an only child and your story hits close to home.... I was the first born, and my mom was pregnant with twins a couple years after I was born. She had still births as well . My mom ended up having a surgery to have her uterus removed after a couple of failed pregnancies. My twin brothers are in heaven and I think about them all of the time.
I am now married and just had my first born in 10/3/11. A very healthy pregnancy all the way through. I thank God for this.
I believe God has a plan.... Whether we want to understand it or not. I have a friend who has endured the loss of two consecutive children (their 4 year old son, and then their 1 week old daughter), with her husband..... Their third child is now 4 years of age and he is healthy and thriving!
No matter how difficult it is, I believe that God has a plan for us all... We will all be reunited in the kingdom of God! Blessings and strength to every mother out there going to a hardship with their pregnancy or birthing. Xo

You're exactly right....God does have a plan for us all. I'm thankful that you've had a great pregnancy and birth. I know you must have been worried the whole way through. Thank you for sharing!

If Braden never passed u may have never been given Liam , a beautiful gift from God. God bless u. My baby girl is due in a week

I try to always look at it all in the positive. Brayden made a difference in so many lives even though he never drew breath. Brayden and Liam are such precious gifts and we are very blessed. Best wishes for you and your baby girl!

im 24 marcusmummy my baby boy was born sleeping with the angles at 36 weeks 21st oct 2012 at 1.33 am everything was fine more on target than my first boy connah whos 2 on the 23rd of nov an marcus was due the 19th of nov his brothers original due date he was 4.5oz icawched him an cawched him i had him in the room with me over night then till had a chaplin to say a pray for him then his daddy took him down to the chaple of rest i long to hold him still waiting to see y it could have happened i suffered with a dvt wen i was 19 unknown caurse how am i to tell my 2 yr old about his beautiful baby brother an how am i going to cope i miss him so much i wish i could wake from this night mare

I am so very sorry to hear about Marcus. I cannot imagine the difficulty in telling your 2 year old who is probably very excited about a baby brother but won't understand for a while why Marcus isn't here with him. You're in my prayers! &lt;3

I just wanted to touch base with you all and let you know that you all are in my thoughts and prayers. I also wanted to share with you a site/blog that I think is beautiful and helpful. http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/ The is a site by a woman who knows exactly what we all are going through. She has found a beautiful way to remember every baby. I hope that you find some comfort in reading there. Hugs to you all!

My son was still born on the 8th/10/12 @ 39weeks 4days. we still dont know what happened which is driving me mad. Everything was going well. i went to hospital in labour. i was in so much pain but also very excited that my boy was finally coming. When i got to the hospital, they cldnot find my little boys heartbeat. i cldnt believe what the docs were saying. i cried nd cried, asking God why me, why my little boy. The heartache i have i cant explain. the questions in head are millions. i find my life so hard now, crying all the time when i see other mums with thier babies. how am i going to go through this ?i keep asking myself everyday coz i know My life will never be the same again ever. am life is incomplete because i will always long for my little boy Rashad Nash. i never knew about stillbirth until the 8th of oct 12. I feel much better that i ve found mothers who are going through the same situation as me. You have given me hope. sorry for the loss of your little beautiful angels. from A MUM OF AN ANGEL

rashadnash,
I am truly sorry to hear about your angel Rashad. Please be gentle with yourself and your feelings because everything is just too raw right now. Allow yourself to feel and cry....I've learned from past losses that not dealing with it only makes things worse later. Nothing will ever take the place of your sweet boy. Please consider finding a counselor to talk with....it was truly very helpful for me as I only opened up with my husband and he was hurting and overwhelmed too. It allowed me to open up to her and give my husband a break. I don't know if you opted to have an autopsy on your son. I just want you to be prepared that a high percentage of them come back inconclusive. That was really hard for me as I wanted a reason why my Brayden died. I hope that you read further down from the other moms and gain a touch of comfort from knowing that you are never alone. &lt;3

it is so heartbreaking to read the posts and see how frequently stillbirth occurs and how little the medical world talks about it or educates mommies.

i just our little/big girl on aug 31, 2012. this was the day she was scheduled for a csection and she died just 2 hours before the scheduled procedure. it has been hard but we are maintaining our hope and trust in jesus.

she was to be our rainbow baby as we lost our jordan on july 20, 2011. our son has been a source of comfort and we hope for another. it has been hard on our marriage. we also lost our 2 foster boys on march 20, 2012. too many children out of my home and arms...we are hoping for another chance but scared.

Keep the faith....you're going to ride a rollercoaster through this. I pray that you and your husband can find comfort in each other. &lt;3