Love Always Hopes

i am 25 and have had 3 children aged 7,5 and 1. my baby girl monique was born and 5th of jan 2010 and she was born still born. she was a big shock as i had a baby boy a yr earlier and me and my partner had split, i'll never forget that day it was the worst thing i've ever gone through in my life. through my 1st 3 pregnancies i woz fine my 1st i worked up untill th week she woz borrn, i had no sickness with all my pregnancies and all were born naturally 1 beign a water birth and this 1 woz no different except for the fact i woz doing it all by myself plus going to college, but  i woke up that morning to get my 7 and 5 yr old ready for school and i didn't feel right, my stomach was really heavy and i was so sluggish but i got all the kids ready and was just about to walk to my mums so we can get a lift as my younger brother goes to the same school. anyway coz i was so tierd and must have took a little longer than usual my mum drove round to pick us up. i got in the car and we started to the top of the road,the kids were sitting nicly in the back and me and mum were talking then al of a sudden i felt a i gasped and told my mum i thought my waters broke so she stoped the car and wen i stood up out of the car it woz boold, alot of blood. i didn't take no notice i thought yes i'm finally guna meet her. so mum drove round the corner to her house so i could get in the shower and phone the hospital. while i woz in the shower the boold wuldnt stop and at this point clots were starting to fall, we spoke to the ward and they told me to *** in, so i sed lets drop the kids off coz there late and then go to the hospital. on the way to the school i started to get contractions and my mum nearly crashed coz she woz so worried. my mum has been at all the girths of my kids and has 6 of her own aand evety labour she has never panicked but i was in so much pain it didnt registar. wen we got to the hospital i culn't get out of the car i phoned my best friend and the babies dad and trveled in a taxi and we got there at the same time she helped me but as soon as i got in felt like passing out there was no where for me to sit and i culd feel myself gettin weak then i saw the chair near the nurses station and floped onto it. they wheeled me into the room and my mum filled them in, they put amonitor and i culd hear a heart beat but it was really slow so asked why is it so slow (not reailsing it was mine) by this point the room was filled with so many people but no 1 was saying anythig to me, the nxt thing i knew they were scanning my tummy but stood in front so i culndt see the monitor then they asked every 1 to leave and thats wen my mum told me she was gone they culdnt find a heartbeat and all i culd do was scream, no i only had 2 wks left, the hardet thing was giving birth even though i knew she was gone i still expected her to cry.....but she didnt and my brother and dad was there as well. i just culdnt stop crying i told my youner brother who had a baby the month b4 and me being there cryed and brother tat was ther made me cry even mor coz he started crying. i asked for the girls to come and see her as they were so excited and they fell in love but having to tell them she was dead................. we buried her 5 days and for some reason icoulnt stop smiling but only to stop myself from breaking down. that was 6 months ago me and my partner are back together and eveything is great except 4 the fact i keep hearin the words shes gone we cant find a heartbeat, i try to b strong and try not to think it about which is impossible but the people arond my just dnt understand how i feel , its like its just happened i hope it gets easier and stops hurting so much.   
moniquesmummy moniquesmummy
22-25, F
1 Response Jul 19, 2010

I am deeply sorry for your loss. Not the same thing, but I had a brother who was still-born. It was devastating to the family. My heart goes out to you and your family. Bless you.