Never Thought It Would Happen To Me

It finally happened to me, someone at the store asked "Where's your baby?" I lost my son in January. He kinked his cord and passed away at 26 weeks. We were due last week, so when a girl who used to work with me saw me in wal-mart today, she wanted to know where my baby was. I just stared for a couple of seconds, then I calmly explained what happened to me and walked away. Only to come home and break down and cry in the shower for 20 minutes. I don't even think my husband really gets it, or he does but in a different way than me. I don't know what else to do, so I found this site and I am trying this. Does it ever really get better? Does sharing help?
TresaC TresaC 26-30, F 3 Responses Apr 20, 2012

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First off ~ I would like to say how sorry I am to hear of the loss of your precious baby daughter. It is surely the most devastating situation to have to endure and there are no words to ease the pain. The path becomes a little less rocky as time goes on but the valleys and peaks remind us of the long soulful journey we all must make.

"Now, I am in the same situation as you, thousands like you -- like us -- dealing with the loss of a child. The reasons may differ but the result is still the same, pain and heartache. I am an RN and my husband is an Emergency Room MD. I have four children and never thought anything of it. I had heard of stillbirths but thought they occurred during labor when there was a complication. Why should I think anything different? The medical profession has hidden the details and frequency from us all.

Then came my son and my daughter in law. Their first child, a daughter, was born still at 36.3 weeks on June 28th, 2009. Danielle noticed no movement -- for a baby that was very active a lot of the time - one Saturday. She had read the books which reassured her and my son that the babies slowed down at 36 weeks -- that was normal. My son, now a resident at Emory, was a medical student at MUSC in Charleston at the time. We got the call on Saturday night, "We lost the baby."

I was in utter disbelief and total shock. What -- How -- What Happened? Bob told us it could be genetic, it could be an infection, it could be the cord, it could be a lot of things. My mind raced and was paralyzed at the same time. The ultrasound was done, there was no heartbeat.

I think our angel was going to be Chloe Gabriella or Lillian Bleu - depending on her features and who she looked like. But we welcomed our precious Roberta Rae on June 28th with all of the love our hearts could hold, as well as, all of the sorrow. Bob, short for Robert, had nicknamed the baby, Roberta, after himself. That was what everyone called her and that was the name she had been hearing for eight months while Bob spoke to Danielle's tummy. So, Bob and Danielle decided to call her the name she knew, the name she kicked to, the name she swam to and the name she danced to. Her "in utero" name was totally unplanned yet fit her perfectly.

My husband and I are now committed advocates for the stillborn. We will do whatever it takes to enlighten the medical community and parents to be, as well as, to find a cause as to "WHY" when there are or are not any answers.

I don't know if you are familiar with Dr. Jason Collins of The Pregnancy Institute, in Louisiana. He has been researching the issue of Umbilical Cord Accidents (UCA) for over 20 years. According to research by Dr. Collins and like minded Obstetricians throughout the world, the cord is a definite risk factor contributing to stillbirth and a definite catalyst for stillbirth from 28 weeks onward. In the words of Dr. Collins, "Why is no one talking about this?"

My brother was killed by a drunk driver when he was 12 back in 1967. I don't think my father ever got over the loss. My mother was amazing. Of course she was filled with grief, but she gathered up the pieces and made our lives as children wonderful. She didn't skip a beat. She laughed, cheered her baseball team on the TV and life went on. I want it to be that way for me, for Danielle and Bob, for everyone who experiences the birth of a precious sleeping one. I don't want the grief to consume us. I want us to be able to smile when we hear the name, Roberta Rae.

Perhaps my sweet stillbirth mom, Kristina, said it best on Facebook, "You don't get over it, you just get through it. You don't get by it, because you can't get around it. It doesn't get better, it just gets different. Everyday...Grief puts on a new face."

I know there is a joy which is lying ahead of you ~ and ~ you will be able to grasp it. I wish it could be in your possession today ~ but sometimes really wonderful things take time...xo

The actual day of my due date went by without me freaking out like I thought I would, but the whole week after was very emotional. I really want to try again and my husband is saying he doesn't know if he ever can. I am ready right now, in a kind of desperate way. It's causing lots of fights and we're having a really hard time in our relationship. I know we will get through it because we are both really dedicated to our marriage, even when it isn't the best but I hate all the conflict. I hate not knowing how he feels and that he doesn't understand me. We have always been so good at reading each other, and now it seems we have lost that. I hate that you are in this club with us and I wish it hadn't happened. What makes you keep going every day?

sorry for your loss, i lost my baby boy at 28 weeks and gave birth to him nearly 8 weeks ago. I feel exactly the same as you, my partner has been my rock and helped me get throu this, but some times i feel that he doesnt really understand. I cant carry on at the moment as i cant stop thinking of him, and my due date is in 3 weeks so all i keep thinking is, what i would be like now and how big i would be. Sometimes i feel i cant speak to him about this, so this is why i am sharing my story too. Lets hope it does get better, as thats the only thing that is keeping me going x