Written on June 27th, 2012
This is in memory of my 8lb baby boy,named Jovien Alexander, that was born on Jan 8th, 2012, as a stillborn. ,This is my experience, and I will leave some insight, at the end of it for anyone who feels alone in this, or isn't aware of things like this happening. I say that, because I had heard other people go through this, but I didn't think anything of it till it happened to us. Let me begin with, I was looking forward to having a VBAC(vaginal birth after cesearen), with this child. I had to have a c-section with my first, due to her being breech. I even traveled close to an hour to a doctor's that would offer this, because where I lived they did not do VBAC's. My whole pregnancy was wonderful, and perfect, except for the hardships of weight gain, and shortness of breath, and backpain. Other then that, I was all set to have my natural delivery I had always invisioned having. About 4 days, before the delivery I had an appt. at my doctors to check on my dilation, and the baby. Everything was fine, heartbeat, and all and the doctor said if all goes well, we might have a baby that weekend. So you can imagine my husband, and I were ecstatic. To my dimise, that sunday morning at 4a.m., I woke up with a sudden gush of what I thought was my water breaking. I rushed to the bathroom only to realize it was bright red blood(sorry for the expilicit). Well I had never went into labor before, I thought that this was all normal, and it was time to have our baby. We rushed to the hospital, and only to recieve the worst news I could of ever gotten, that they couldn't find the heartbeat. At first it was not for sure, until the ultrasound tech came in, and confirmed it. Here I am 40 weeks, and 2 days and I have to worry about c-sections, autopsy, burial service, cremation, how am I going to tell everyone, and everything else. It was overwhelming, and horrific, and soooo completely unexpected. Next thing you know were in the surgery room delivering our deceased full term baby, with the option of seeing him. Now let me tell you, at first we did not even want to go their, and bond even more with this baby, because we thought the pain would be even worse. We opted to see him, and were able to keep him with us for as long as we wanted, so I kept him for about 2 days in my room. BEST DECISION EVER!!! Don't let anyone tell you different, that was very theraputic, because I know how he feels, and what he looks like, and how heavy he was, and I got to hold him best of all. If I would of left that hospital without that, I would be missing something in my life. Well after all that, that night I passed out, and needed to recieve a blood transfusion due to internal bleeding from a cut inside my stomach where my incision was. So the next morning I am back in the operating room for a second time, after all of this already happening, and if only things could get worse for us. They ended up keeping me in the hospital for 6 days total, and it was really hard having to walk around the maternity ward, and gain some strength back from all the surgeries, and see everyone else have family visit, and leave with their babies. I was broken, and lost for that week, and I lost a piece of me in that hospital. If it wasn't for the great nurses that week I don't know how bad I would of been off. They came in, and cried with us, and talked with us about it, and it was theraputic. We opted to have the baby cremated, and to have him blessed, and have some professional pictures taken, which we have displayed on a shelf memorial to him in our room. I am telling this to women who are so confused in what to do, and who have, or are experience this, so they have more insight in what they should do. Sometimes it's better to hear what other people have went through, and what they have done. It has been almost 6 months, and we are still grieving the lose, and my yearning for another child is overwhelming, and sometimes unbearable. I look forward to the day we can hold another baby again, and finally bring them home from the hospital. I never thought I would leave that hospital empty handed. Thank god I had my grandmother from New York come down to help me for a month, she is my savior. To all the women, and men, and family members that this happens to I am so sorry first of all, and you are not alone, even though this is less common, to have a stillborn, this does not mean that you are the only one that has one. We are all out here, and we all feel the same way, and it's is important to know that there are people that cannot concieve, and I find that almost the same as having a stillborn, but just remember we can concieve, and you can always have more. Remember you cannot replace, but you can always make up, and bring that bundle of joy home with you. Godbless you all out their, and look to the future, and all the positives, their will be better days. Just remember your baby angel is watching over you to protect you from this happening again, and that is enough reassurance for me. One last thing my husband, and I go to counseling every two weeks which helps alot especially for our relationship, becuase this did pull us apart, and it is really hard on you both. Men, and women grieve differently, and if you think that one of you is being insensitive, that may not be the case some people are just silent grievers, especially men. This should bring you closer, and you need eachother through this, so learn and love through this. It's not worth it to be alone through this, you need a shoulder to cry on trust me.