Never Thought This Would Happen, Perfect Pregnancy, With A Horrible Ending

This is in memory of my 8lb baby boy,named Jovien Alexander, that was born on Jan 8th, 2012, as a stillborn. ,This is my experience, and I will leave some insight, at the end of it for anyone who feels alone in this, or isn't aware of things like this happening. I say that, because I had heard other people go through this, but I didn't think anything of it till it happened to us. Let me begin with, I was looking forward to having a VBAC(vaginal birth after cesearen), with this child. I had to have a c-section with my first, due to her being breech. I even traveled close to an hour to a doctor's that would offer this, because where I lived they did not do VBAC's. My whole pregnancy was wonderful, and perfect, except for the hardships of weight gain, and shortness of breath, and backpain. Other then that, I was all set to have my natural delivery I had always invisioned having. About 4 days, before the delivery I had an appt. at my doctors to check on my dilation, and the baby. Everything was fine, heartbeat, and all and the doctor said if all goes well, we might have a baby that weekend. So you can imagine my husband, and I were ecstatic. To my dimise, that sunday morning at 4a.m., I woke up with a sudden gush of what I thought was my water breaking. I rushed to the bathroom only to realize it was bright red blood(sorry for the expilicit). Well I had never went into labor before, I thought that this was all normal, and it was time to have our baby. We rushed to the hospital, and only to recieve the worst news I could of ever gotten, that they couldn't find the heartbeat. At first it was not for sure, until the ultrasound tech came in, and confirmed it. Here I am 40 weeks, and 2 days and I have to worry about c-sections, autopsy, burial service, cremation, how am I going to tell everyone, and everything else. It was overwhelming, and horrific, and soooo completely unexpected. Next thing you know were in the surgery room delivering our deceased full term baby, with the option of seeing him. Now let me tell you, at first we did not even want to go their, and bond even more with this baby, because we thought the pain would be even worse. We opted to see him, and were able to keep him with us for as long as we wanted, so I kept him for about 2 days in my room. BEST DECISION EVER!!! Don't let anyone tell you different, that was very theraputic, because I know how he feels, and what he looks like, and how heavy he was, and I got to hold him best of all. If I would of left that hospital without that, I would be missing something in my life. Well after all that, that night I passed out, and needed to recieve a blood transfusion due to internal bleeding from a cut inside my stomach where my incision was. So the next morning I am back in the operating room for a second time, after all of this already happening, and if only things could get worse for us. They ended up keeping me in the hospital for 6 days total, and it was really hard having to walk around the maternity ward, and gain some strength back from all the surgeries, and see everyone else have family visit, and leave with their babies. I was broken, and lost for that week, and I lost a piece of me in that hospital. If it wasn't for the great nurses that week I don't know how bad I would of been off. They came in, and cried with us, and talked with us about it, and it was theraputic. We opted to have the baby cremated, and to have him blessed, and have some professional pictures taken, which we have displayed on a shelf memorial to him in our room. I am telling this to women who are so confused in what to do, and who have, or are experience this, so they have more insight in what they should do. Sometimes it's better to hear what other people have went through, and what they have done. It has been almost 6 months, and we are still grieving the lose, and my yearning for another child is overwhelming, and sometimes unbearable. I look forward to the day we can hold another baby again, and finally bring them home from the hospital. I never thought I would leave that hospital empty handed. Thank god I had my grandmother from New York come down to help me for a month, she is my savior. To all the women, and men, and family members that this happens to I am so sorry first of all, and you are not alone, even though this is less common, to have a stillborn, this does not mean that you are the only one that has one. We are all out here, and we all feel the same way, and it's is important to know that there are people that cannot concieve, and I find that almost the same as having a stillborn, but just remember we can concieve, and you can always have more. Remember you cannot replace, but you can always make up, and bring that bundle of joy home with you. Godbless you all out their, and look to the future, and all the positives, their will be better days. Just remember your baby angel is watching over you to protect you from this happening again, and that is enough reassurance for me. One last thing my husband, and I go to counseling every two weeks which helps alot especially for our relationship, becuase this did pull us apart, and it is really hard on you both. Men, and women grieve differently, and if you think that one of you is being insensitive, that may not be the case some people are just silent grievers, especially men. This should bring you closer, and you need eachother through this, so learn and love through this. It's not worth it to be alone through this, you need a shoulder to cry on trust me.
Dezmad23 Dezmad23
6 Responses Jun 27, 2012

Giasmama, sorry to hear about your loss of your baby girl, I don't know if you were responding to someone elses storey or not, but I felt the need to elaborate on it. My grandma came down from New York to help me with my c-section recovery, and to mentally support me through everything, well my husband went back to work. That was the same thing I had told her. At the time my daughter was in Pre-k, and they had all knew about it, and the first day I brought her myself with my grandma, I remember sitting in the car dreading it. I told her,"I hate, having to see people, it's like reliving it all over again." You will be suprised though how much people respect your privacy, and they wont even ask, or might just give you a hug. its been a little over 8 months now, and I feel MYSELF telling more people about it, than more people asking about it. Alot of people didn't even reach out to me, and my husband when it first happened. Then as months went by, and we seen them, they would just say i'm so sorry, I just didn't know what to say. Sometimes people are to young yet to be able to comfort you, or be able to comment on such traumatic thing, if you get my drift. It definetly shocks people if they are just finding out, but you just have to remember that facing your fears is the best thing right now. I felt like everytime I had to address it to someone, I would just dread it, but then I would feel so relieved that it was over, and now they won't ever have to ask again. Also ACCEPTANCE is everything right now for you, the more you talk about it, the more real it is, and it may hurt alot to rehash it all up, but it is very theraputic. My heart goes out to you right now, because this just happened to you, and this is when you need all the comfort you can get. The pain gets better, even if you don't feel like it will, trust me I thought I could never recover from this. Keep your head up, and their will be more blessing in your life!

V so sorry for your loss mama. thank u for sharing. I feel the same way about the cashiers at the grocery store. i just delivered my sleeping baby girl the day before my due date aug 28. i still have avoided going to every place i went pregnant. i know i can't avoid it forever though. i always tell my mom every time i see someone i haven't yet its going to be reliving it all over again. much love n light to ya <3

I completely understand how you feel 100%. I was sooo afraid to see people I knew, even the cashier at the grocery store because everyone knew, and had anticipated my baby coming. Then for them to see me without a baby, I already knew what was coming, I would have to relive that day all over again. Also with the babies, it seems like everyone I know, or my husband knows is having a baby, so it maximizes my hurt so much. Not to mention my friends had their baby the same day, and at the same hospital just a couple doors down from me. So everytime I see them, or we get together I always think about my little boy, and that he would be the same age right now. I know the pain is almost so unbearable at times. All I can say is it has gotten a little better, I just think I put it to the side so that I can go on with my daily life. Things are going to be better, and yes you are right, that baby boy would want you to have more children. My daughter talks about him everyday, it just breaks my heart, and she is always asking when she is getting a sibling. I'm hoping soon I will get pregnant, and I pray everything will be so different this time around, and I wish the same for you. I'm glad I could help some, I know no matter what anyone says or does it doesn't change the pain or hurt. I just want women to understand that there are women having stillborns everyday unfortunately, and we all need a shoulder to lean on through this painful experience. Good luck to you!

Thanks for writing this, it really touched me. I lost my baby in december of 2011 and I still dont knwo what to do without him. I feel empty inside, like a peice of me is missing. My boyfriend has asked me do I want to have another baby and i keep saying no, because i dont think i could move on after another stillborn. I dont think i could survive another death like this, it is truly horrifying and it will change who you are inside. I am going to therapy, but not as often as i porbably need. I cy every time i see a small baby, and i just cant stand to be around ppl with babies or even talking about babies, it breaks my heart. sometimes i feel like i have quit caring for my 3 year old son as much as i should because of my depression. Does anyoen else suffer through this? I just feel like i dont give anyone any attention anymore, and i dont want to hurt anyone the way i am hurting.

Hello, I am so sorry for your loss as well. I'm glad that I can be here for others to lean on for advice, because when this happened I was all alone in the world I felt. It is completely normal to never officially move on from this. It is almost similar to a really bad breakup, except for the fact that this is your child, and you can move on from a person, but your child is apart of you. I sometimes feel the same with my 5 year old, that I neglect her. I find myself more, and more trying to occupy my brain with things so I don't dwell in my misery. It also has made me closer with her as well, because I am so blessed and thankful everyday that I at least got to experience cherishing her, and raising her, and getting to know her. Those are the things you have to remind yourself of, when your getting down about it. There will never be a moment that you won't think about him, always remember him like if he was here. I always correct my husband, and say you do have another child he's just not here with us. Your not alone with feeling awkward, and uneasy around other babies, I even got nauseous when I would go places, and see other babies, the pain was so unbearable in my heart, that it would turn into physical things like nausea. Then I went through the phase of wanting to hold everyone's child, or doing the Awwwww how cute thing to every baby I came across. So maybe you can relate to some of those things. I also feel for some reason like I can never have another child again, or I think I am going to miscarry everytime I get pregnant. I guess when bad things happen to you, you always feel like yor going to get the worst out of things. I know, an completely understand why you are afraid to have more. I am too, we all feel that way, since we have gone through this. It leaves a lot of doubt in our minds, just because it was such a traumatic, horrific thing. You need to be proud of yourself for, being strong, and pushing forward with your life, because there are days when you don't even want to continue on sometimes. The pain of it seems to always be in the way of the future, but your future is what will truly be your happiness. People always told me after this at least you can have more, but you can never replace, and I think from everything you have said that you have a big void missing in yourself. Maybe having another baby is what you need to be fulfilled, so don't be afraid, it could really work out for the better. Just remember that this doesn't happen everytime, it is a rare occurrence, and we just happened to be struck with this. I have hope that you will one day feel a lot better, and for your little one he is the proof in the pudding that miracles do happen. I wish the best to you, and Godbless you, and your family. Just remember are babies are guarding us now, we have are own guardian angels!

Thank you so much for the kind words. It really made me smile. I often have trouble telling ppl about my little one when they ask do i have children. Most of the time i avoid telling them. I havent reached the point where i want to see small babies yet. I cried at work the other day because a coworker brought his newborn for us to see. I held strong until i could get away to the bathroom alone, as i did not want to hurt anyones feelings, of course, but i was torn apart looking at that baby and seeing how beautiful he was. i had professional pictures made, and i have yet to gain enough strength to go get them. I havent even went to get a copy of the death certificate bc i am too afraid of the feelings i know will arise from it all. Thank you so much for sharing yoru story and your helpful words of wisdom, it truly gives me a little hop and makes it seem better, like i could have another baby one day. I know i will always miss him, but i think all our beloved little ones would like to see us happy and see us move on.

Thank you sooo much for your compassion. I am so sorry for your loss as well. It is truly an awful experience, and no one truly understands it unless they have gone through it. I hope to be blessed and have more children like you. That is wonderful to hear positive outcomes, and that is what keeps me going. Thank you again, and thank you for reaching out, sometimes we need that.

Hello...As I was reading your story, I could not help it and started crying! Oh My God!! I am so very sorry for the loss of your littleone. I once went to through a loss too and until this day I miss my unborn baby (who was also a boy). ( Today I have 3 small boys). I can't imagine what you and your husband have gone through. I pray that God keeps giving you and your husband the strength you need. You are right your little Angel is wathching over you and your husband!