My Sweet Baby Malechei

i miss my baby so much I can barely stand it. He left me on December 18, 2011. He would be turning 8 months old this month, but instead his remains in a little box on my dresser. His keepsakes in my closet, because I cannot stand to see them every day. Every single day I think of him and how he would be growing if he had made it. I never got to look him in the eyes, or hold his hand, or tell him how much I loved him. And now, since I am an agnostic, I dont know where he is. I dont know who is taking care of my precious angel. He is too little to be floating around in where ever all by himself. I had planned so much and thought about how I would raise my two babies, show my big baby how to help his little brother and teach him the things he knows. Now I dont even know what to tell my 3 year old. He watched me while I grew bigger and he even felt Malechei's little feet kick his hand while he was in my belly. All my neices and nephews asked about him, but I couldnt even tell them for weeks. I just want to lay in my room and cry, but I am surrounded by people all the time, and I dont know how to explain my pain to them. Even my boyfriend, I know he hurts but i cannot explain how it felt to go to the hospital that day and see my baby on the ultrasound without a heartbeat, much less how it felt to deliver him after he had passed. I miss my baby and i dont knwo how to explain it to anyone.