My Angel Theo

I lost my baby boy on 14th November 2012 at 37 weeks.I didn't plan getting pregnant this time but me and my partner were over the moon finding out we were expecting a boy earlier this year. We have girls only and I lost my daughters twin brother to neonatal birth. Having theo made me so exited but anxious as I knew pain of loosing son. My pregnancy was closely followed and all seemed going well. He was the most active baby I ever had and loved every kick he gave me. On 6th November at my ob check everything was fine and I was so exited that my due date was approaching. Over the weekend baby slowed down but as I was pregnant before I knew close to due date babies do and he was very low already. On 13th on my midwife appointment she couldn't find hb so I was sent to hospital for scan. I cried all the way as I knew that something could be terribly wrong. The minute they connected heart monitor they thought they found his hb but it was mine as scan shown lifeless baby. Next day me and my partner got induced and delivered beautiful sleeping angel at 6 pm. Now 3 weeks on and so close to Xmas I find so hard to cope I dream of him every night and keep looking for him. He was so perfect so ready to come to this world. I can't get my head around it. Lightening doesn't strike twice but since I lost my first son why this one had to be taken away from me too. I have 2 lovely daughters but even looking at my younger one sleeping at night brings my boys face to my mind. I sometimes wish it was me not him. I try to be strong but there are days I can't. Everyone seems to think things happen for a reason and everyone seemed to move on already I don't feel I can. Me and my partner agreed we want to try again but what if it happens again? Will I handle that? Life is so cruel sometimes. I will never forget and hope to find strength to carry on. ....
J85kitten J85kitten
26-30, F
3 Responses Dec 11, 2012

Thank you for sharing your story. I have two beautiful girls as well and I lost my son on 11/27/2012. My youngest is 11 months and I find myself seeing his face in hers. The holidays were really rough and especially New Years. I felt like a part of him was being left behind in 2012. My husband and I decided to launch a website and make it a project for 2013. If you want to share your story please visit Fight4Jalen.org. My son died of a common bacteria known as Strep B and it's a way to promote awareness and other conditions that can harm our little ones. We are the voices to our little ones. I will keep you in my prayers!

Thank you,

GABY

First off ~ I would like to say how sorry I am to hear of the loss of your precious son, Theo. It is surely the most devastating situation to have to endure and there are no words to ease the pain. The path becomes a little less rocky as time goes on but the valleys and peaks remind us of the long soulful journey we all must make. Although there are several causes for stillbirth to occur, my first Granddaughter was born still at 36.6 weeks due to torsion of the umbilical cord ~ not a true knot or nuchal cord but delivers the same devastation and heartache.

I am an RN and my husband is an Emergency Room MD. I have four children and never thought anything of it. I had heard of stillbirths but thought they occurred during labor when there was a complication. Why should I think anything different? The medical profession has hidden the details and frequency from us all.

My husband and I are now committed advocates for the stillborn. We will do whatever it takes to enlighten the medical community and parents to be, as well as, to find a cause as to "WHY" when there are or are not any answers.

I think how you are feeling is very normal after enduring such a loss. If our own doctors, the experts, cannot predict a stillbirth - how are we to? Third trimester ultrasounds ~ looking at the umbilical cord and placenta specifically ~ should become the norm performed by health care teams as it is in various foreign countries. If a problem is found ~ it can be monitored and followed.

When you think about it, at one time people had a heart attack and died. That was it - no intervention, it wasn't developed and no one knew the warning signs. Now if you have chest pain and go to the emergency room, the measures taken are incredible. The same is true with a mammogram. Every woman who goes for one knows what the findings may be - but it is better to know why we are going and the importance of the check and deal with the findings - than to be oblivious to the challenge.

All parents to be, as well as, medical personnel should be educated to the possibility and undeniable consequences of a stillbirth. With 26,000+ stillbirths a year in the USA, it is imperative women are given the facts by their doctors. Once knowledgeable, they can decide their course of action, seek ultrasounds and be proactive for their baby before it is too late. Make sure you are considered "high risk" for a future pregnancy.

My brother was killed by a drunk driver when he was 12 back in 1967. I don't think my father ever got over the loss. My mother was amazing. Of course she was filled with grief, but she gathered up the pieces and made our lives as children wonderful. She didn't skip a beat. She laughed, cheered her baseball team on the TV and life went on. I want it to be that way for me, for Danielle and Bob, for everyone who experiences the birth of a precious sleeping one. I don't want the grief to consume us. I want us to be able to smile when we hear the name, Roberta Rae.

Perhaps my sweet stillbirth mom, Kristina, said it best on Facebook, "You don't get over it, you just get through it. You don't get by it, because you can't get around it. It doesn't get better, it just gets different. Everyday...Grief puts on a new face."

Please hang in there. It is so difficult to go on when there are no answers and the uncertainty of the future lies ahead. I know there is a joy lying ahead for you ~ and ~ you will be able to grasp it. I wish it could be in your possession today ~ but sometimes the "really wonderful" takes time.

In June of 2010 and May 2012, I became "Grammy" to Jacks, Roberta Rae's little brother, and Trent Oscar, Roberta Rae's baby cousin. Joy is returning into my life now as I continue nurturing Roberta Rae's legacy ~ and every baby born still ~ by empowering all expectant moms through education, proactivity and vigilance...xo

I hated that we anticipated on the arrival of our baby boys. And yes it seems friends and family get over it but remember you and your partner along with the voices of your other children were the only ones who truly knew you him so you'll never get over it and you never have to. That's what this page is for....