My Little Lion

We have recently lost our little lion Leon, as he born sleeping at 26 weeks and 1 day. I find it encouraging to read the stories of others whom have had experienced a similar life changing sadness (even though I feel guilty for having it help). I want to share our devastating story to those of you whom are no doubt listening and experiencing together.

My better half and I are young; he had always wanted a family. I was different but let fate make the decision. I had always had abnormal periods, always told by my doctors that by three months if I did not get my cycle to come in, they would prescribe me hormone pills. Our life changed when we went into a clinic in September 2012 and they did their normal pregnancy test, they came back and sprung us with "You know you’re three months pregnant right?" Completely in shock, I cried and my love smiled in complete awe.  We had suspicions but did not know I was actually pregnant.

With a perfect pregnancy, no morning sickness, normal hormones, no cravings and no pain for the whole duration we were so sure everything would be okay. As my belly grew and grew, the more we bonded and felt our little lion kick. Oh, did he kick so very much - every time I woke, relaxed, eat, and communicated with family & friends... He was so happy to be inside his mommy. I use to sit there with my better half at night watching TV, reading and laughing as I held my belly feeling every little lion kick.

A week before Christmas I sneezed and popped something in my tailbone, I could not sit. I went to see a Chiropractor and started my sessions because of the back pain; I was never worried about Leon because I had no bleeding, no sign of amniotic leakage, no cramps... nothing. Christmas season was busy as I was working, shopping and my dear grandmother passed away on December 5th - 5 days before my birthday. (Note - I have a very small family and my grandmother was in my mother’s care at home for 3 years and she was a very loved part of our family).

Boxing Day... at 2 AM, I woke up with severe cramps, which felt like contractions (not that i knew what those felt like until after). I took a bath to relieve some of the pain and tried to relax - I finally fell back asleep. I woke up at 7 AM with the same pains, I quickly woke up my love and we rushed to the hospital. The nurse tried for about an hour to find a constant heartbeat, they could catch it but not for long enough to record a steady movement. We could hear the Doctor attend another woman - he also took a phone call of which we heard him say "oh no big deal you just had a miscarriage". We dreaded having this doctor because clearly he thought losing a baby was no big deal. He came in after 30 minutes and did an ultrasound; our little lion was standing vertical on my left side he was moving and had a heartbeat. He checked my cervix, which was not dilated; they did a urine test, which found nothing. Therefore, he sent me home stating I was having muscle spasms due to Leon pushing and stretching my muscles. We were relieved to hear nothing was wrong. I went on to feel pain all night long having Christmas dinner with my family. I went to work the next couple of days, one day I went home because it felt as if he was stretching again. I thought nothing of it as the Doc told me not to worry....I knew something was wrong because all those little lion kicks I felt before completely stopped after the 26th, I had a gynecologist  appointment on the 8th and was going to ask her. On January 3rd I called the hospital because I had jelly like discharge that was brown. She said not worry it was probably old blood  mixed with left over *****, I also asked about the lack of kicking of which she said when baby grows he sleeps more and that I probably didn't feel him because he was awake at night and everything was okay. Well sadly, on January 4th at midnight we rushed back to the hospital because I was feeling the same pain but not as bad - I was also hurling up a storm. We got to the hospital and the nurses tried again to get the heartbeat, they tried three different machines. Finally, the doc came in and did the ultrasound, we were not worried but I guess we should have been. After 2 minutes, he replied with those words we were not expecting to hear, "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat and no fetal movement." I did not believe, I did not want to believe him. :(

In shock, I took it in I could not cry but my love cried a river. We went outside to call our parents. My mom rushed the hospital. They said they would induce me by the morning; they took 12 tubes of blood and asked if I wanted some pain meds/Gravol for the contractions and I agreed as I was puking bad and in a lot of pain. I was happy they had a whirlpool tub and I took a bath to calm my pain and nerves (still not able to cry). They gave me some morphine right before my bath. I got out and felt so fuzzy, stupid, distorted but the pain was still as severe. They wanted me to sleep but I couldn't I just sat there contractions every 5 minutes, comforting my better half as I still could not believe the truth of it all. By 6 AM, the nurse came in to take my vitals, and asked if I wanted more pain meds of which I refused, the meds were not helping, not one bit. The nurse was going to do vitals until she and my mother realized my contractions were becoming not even a minute apart; she checked my cervix and said I will go get the doctor. I was in labor... The doctor came in he broke my water, which was stained a light blood colour. It took all of 7 minutes for me to have my little lion delivered. My placenta came out after and was flat with blood clots stuck on the outside, the doctor told us our little lion had been gone for at least a few days and his skull was swollen. I saw him, so perfect so beautiful, all his little fingers and toes, his long shaped face with a tiny pointy nose. It was shortly after that, I balled my eyes out.  All of what happened felt so surreal, I did not have my little lion to hold and hear those beautiful baby screams.

We decided to see him, get his fingerprints, toe prints and a few photographs. Together, we chose to have our lion cremated and cherish him with all of our greatest memories. We will forever miss and love our little brave lion...
We have been a mess, I cry ever time we go into public. Seeing babies, baby things, happy families and familiar places has me stuck in a time haunt. Music, movies and home are unbearable. For the first few days, I could not even look at my love without crying knowing our lion would be as beautiful as his daddy is. Would he have his daddy’s freckles? Daddy’s smile?  My love and I have dreams of Leon, what he looks like when he is a kid. He is tall, thin, with curly light brown hair, my deep eyes and his daddy’s smile. My love and I have held onto each other every second through this, when I am down he is my strength and when he is down I am his strength.  We have never felt so close, so much love and caring for each other.  We are devastated, trying each day to take this step at time... together.
We must wait 6 weeks to find out the cause, and we will try again. We must be cautious and need to know the why this happened. Next time we will take every precaution, every step with weary eyes but we will keep our heads up high.  

Mommy and daddy love you our little baby lion, Leon. You will forever be in our hearts and souls, listen for our voices... we are calling out to you.

HeartOfALion HeartOfALion
22-25, F
1 Response Jan 8, 2013

My heart goes out to both of you(well all of you really).
Stand strong and don't give up...if a baby is what you truly want then never give up hope and faith.
I had 3 different specialists tell my husband and I that we would never have kids, that I was too damaged down there.
I never gave up and trust me it isn't easy and you might have more heartache along the way, even though I had to go through miscarriage after miscarriage I never once thought it isn't worth it.
13 pregnancies but I have 3 beautiful daughters and I wouldn't change all the hell I had to go through to get them because it makes me love them that much more, and I make sure they know it everyday.
So for all of you out there don't give up hope and when the time comes and you hold your baby for the first time I think you will agree it was worth it.
Take your time and heal, go into the next one with caution but don't be afraid!

Thank you.
It brings great hope to hear your story and know that a positive outcome may be in our future, it surely was in yours. You were truly blessed with miracle daughters and you are most defiantly a fighter.
Now that my love and I know were ready and that this is what we want we will try again when my body is ready, it is frustrating for us right now as we just want to try again right away but we know that it is not healthy. We cannot wait for bundle of joy to carry home.
Once again, thank you.