Our Littlest Guardian AngelMy name is Lea, I am 23 years old and just had a stillborn baby girl on January 8, 2013. My husband and I got married on August 18, 2012 we had a beautiful wedding at Lake Tahoe and went to Santa Cruz for our honeymoon. It was gorgeous and we had such a good time. My husband is stationed at Ft. Drum, NY and I live in Sparks, NV he left to go back to Ft. Drum only two days after we got back from Santa Cruz. Within just a few weeks of him going back I found out I was pregnant. We were absolutely elated!
I began having some spotting and went to my gynecologist to make sure everything was looking good and to get an idea of how far along I was. My doctor checked and said everything looked normal and that I was 8 weeks, we were having a honeymoon baby. I went about my normal routine, I was working two jobs and finishing school, I was busy and had almost no down time. A month and a half or so later I was having bleeding, I went to the ER and did an ultrasound and again the baby looked healthy and they couldn't find any real reason to worry about it. I was told some women just bleed throughout the pregnancy for reasons unknown. I was told to try to take it easy and put my feet up whenever I had a chance. At this point I was done with school but I was still working both jobs. I did all my blood tests and tried to take care of myself and my body. My bleeding persisted but I got to the point that I just figured I would bleed throughout my pregnancy. All of our ultrasounds showed normal development and a healthy fetal heartbeat. My doctor didn't seem overly worried so I began to worry less until one night while I was working at one of my jobs. I was sitting and all of a sudden i felt this warm liquid coming from between my legs, I got up and ran to the bathroom and saw that I was practically gushing blood. I called my mom and told her I needed to go to the hospital. She rushed to pick me up and take me to the hospital, I was right at 20 weeks so they sent me straight up to labor and delivery. I got into a room and they immediately found a strong fetal heartbeat so my anxiety began to subside a little. they checked everything and couldn't find anything developmentally wrong with the baby they said it looked like my placenta was right at the edge of my cervix and that could be the reason for my bleeding. They admitted me for the night to observe me and watch my bleeding and the next morning my doctor came in and told me to set an appointment with a perinatologist. I set my appointment for that Thursday. When I went in the perinatologist was very concerned about the amniotic fluid as it was extremely low. He put me on strict bed rest and gave us the tough decision to end the pregnancy or to stay on bed rest at home until 25 weeks and then I would go into the hospital and stay until hopefully 34 or 35 weeks. My husband and I did a video chat and decided to stick with the pregnancy and hope our daughter could make it to full term. I stayed on bed rest for about a week then at 1 am on the morning of January 8 I began feeling some cramping in my abdomen and back that would last a short time and would go away. It would come back every three minutes or so as the night went on I woke my parents up and told them what was happening. They told me it might be pain from laying down for the last week and said we would call the doctor in the morning. I went back and laid down as the pain persistently got worse and more intense. Around 6 am I went into my parents room and told them it was getting worse and worse. I was in tears so my mom said she would bring me to the hospital. We got ready and left and got to the hospital around 7:20 and was sent directly to labor and delivery. We got into a room but were unable to find a heartbeat. Within ten minutes I had the urge to push and by 7:40 I had delivered a beautiful little girl. I was only at 21 weeks but she was so well developed, she looked like a little baby doll. We named her Emery Michelle she was exactly 1 lb and 11 in long. She had my husband's lips. It is now January 12 and I am trying to figure out how I'm ever going to feel okay. I can't even look at or touch my belly without crying knowing that she is no longer there. I don't know how to heal. I know it so early but this is a pain I've never felt before. That beautiful angel was something I wanted more than anything. My husband is still in New York on the other side of the country and I don't know how to get through this without him. I need help, how do I heal myself from this?