Joy And Sorrow

When my husband and I found out I was pregnant we began working with a midwife right away and planning a home birth. At the start of the second trimester we also began working with a local hospital so we would have a plan b, in case anything arose that a homebirth wouldnt be a good idea. At our 20 week ultrasound, we found out we were having twins - a boy and a girl. The midwife assured us that she had delivered twins before, the hospital obgyns also implied twin deliveries and pregnancies werent much different than singletons. They taught me about kick counting and contraction timing. When I went into labor, I called the midwife. She said I was in early labor and she would come over when the contractions got more frequent and I went into active labor. I never went to the hospital cause I had heard many stories from friends and family about being sent home from the hospital for going to early... Long story short, the midwife never came over, my husband delivered our son Saul and he was already dead. We called 911 and at the hospital they told us his death is what likely put me into labor, hed had an infection and there was nothing that could have changed the outcome... Our daughter Mary was born by c section that night... Totally healthy, no infection... It was hard caring for her the first month when all I wanted to do was mourn over my son. Throughout the pregnancy I really felt like I was pregnant with him and she was kinda hiding along. At all the ultrasounds, we got lots of pictures of Saul and saw him alot whereas she was always turned so we could never see her and before I had an ultrasound, gut feeling, I just knew I was having a boy.... I am really grateful to have her, shes been whats held my husband and I together through this experience and given us a reason to not just give up. I feel really sad reading through all of your stories- we never really realize how many people have stillborn babies and how miraculous and fragile life is until it happens to us, I suppose. It breaks my heart though that so many people have to experience the same pain we are cause its the worst.
We got the autopsy report back a few days ago. I cant understand it though. The only thing I understand is it was a bacteria infection in his lungs and airways. I tested negative for group b strep at week 37 and he was born at week 39.
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 19, 2013

I wish I could tell you to be grateful that you have your girl, but I can't. The reality was that you were expecting two and got only one. Girl embrace your feelings. When you need help ask for it. Because I believe your situation is very hard. What I can tell you is you have to grieve your son in order to raise your daughter. You won't be able to live fully. Most of all don't feel bad about missing, wanting, or grieving your son. He was a part of you and he will always be a p as tt of you. Lastly, remember you were blessed to be the mother of an angel. I'll be praying for you and sorry for your loss.