She Was Perfectly Healthy

Our Lola was due Jan 17th. My water broke a little after midnight on the 19th. I felt my active little girl moving as usual. Healthy at every appointment. Strong heart. No issues. Even when getting a sono at triage the nurse said 'she's gonna keep you busy'! Contractions began very mildly, never getting unbearable, but after 7 hrs I was only dilated to 1cm so they wanted to start Pitocin & suggested I get an epidural first. I agreed, I just wanted what was best for my little girl. Shortly after starting both of those, I tried to get in some sleep. But before I could really doze off the nurse was checking the monitor bc Lola's heart had slowed down. But then had recovered. Then it slowed again & was not recovering. They inserted an internal monitor & looked on sono. Within seconds of looking at the sono they said they needed to preform an emergency c-section. Another doctor first wanted to check me to see if the cord had come out, but quickly removed his gloved hand that was now covered in blood. From that moment to when they got her out was 13 minutes. She was not alive. My healthy, active baby girl died. No explanation. No cause. How did this happen? What did they miss? What did I miss? Could this have been prevented? I cant accept that she died for no reason. I cant accept that I'm not a mother today. I feel I owe it to Lola to find out what happened. We ordered an autopsy to be done & i'm hoping they find something, anything, that may make some sense of this horrible tragedy. I dont know what else to say as I am just beginning to feel again. Thanks to those who are reading & can understand the feeling of confusion, the feeling of failure, & almost a feeling of shame-like I did not protect my baby. I know it's too soon to even think of trying for another baby, but the fear that I won't be able to is quite prevelant. Will i ever have the family I so desperately want? And even still, it will never be our little Lola. The most perfect baby you could ever see. An angel, too good for this horrible world.
Lindsay1905 Lindsay1905
26-30, F
4 Responses Jan 22, 2013

I know how you feel my second little girl was stillborn dec 19. I have a five yr old who was desperately waiting for her arrival . She was also active more than my first. There is no reason to why she didn't make it. I was a reck i couldn't even hold the tears back around my daughter. She tells me she misses her and I feel like I have caused pain to my daughter and I also blame myself. Don't feel bad about that though everyone will say it is not your fault and it isn't but its just something we naturally do. I never once thought it could hurt this bad but keep faith I am. I am going to try again I have spoken to my doctors and I have done my research on what I can do. I will always be considered high risk pregnancy and would have to deliver at thirty seven weeks. It's not going to be easy I'm terrified that this will happen again but I have high hope and I won't give up on my dream of completing my family. I truly believe she wasn't meant for this world. For some reason god gave me the chance to create her and carry her but he needed her. I pray the best for you and I hope god gives you a child that you can watch grow. I am so sorry this happened to you it hurts to know there not the last ones . If you ever need to talk ill listen.

you must be very sad now.. I know it's really hard for you to accept this reality.. but you have to believe in God, that everything happen for a reason, and that He always gives the best for you, your family, and certainly also for the baby.. be strong, please.. and don't blame your self.. God bless you and your fams..

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

p.s. i hope my post didn't come across as callous...I'm sure you need to find what happened and by all means do whatever you can to find out...I just don't think you should blame yourself for anything. That will just cause needless torture. I have never had nor lost a child so I cannot relate but I feel for you Lindsay

Poor thing, what a horrible thing to happen to you. My grandmother had several still born births (I think she said 2 or 3 or even 4) before having two healthy daughters (who are still perfectly healthy in their 60's now). I am a history buff and the truth is childbirth is a very dangerous thing, has always been. It is only in the past 40-50 years that it has become fairly "routine". First-world people seem to take surgery and other similar medical things like this for granted but it is really quite serious. Before about 1930 or so childbirth was the leading cause of death for women and also it was dangerous to the babies, as well. There may never be an answer as to what happened. It was nothing you did so try not to feel guilty. It is just a terrible, terrible tragedy. Please accept my condolences for little Lola... they say the loss of a child is the most painful thing in the world ...hugs