Sweet Baby Girl
I had such a great pregnancy- wanted a baby girl so bad and found out I got my wish on sept 3rd 2013. I was so excited I immediately started making registries and buying pink everything. I had an amazing pregnancy - only threw up a few times, never swole up, was very active - it was great. harper was really active. she kicked and moved constantly.. I was so in love with her and I couldn't wait to have her in January. I was constantly laying around imagining what it would be like to have her in my arms finally. oct 01 I felt weird - I wasn't sure if she was moving I thought I had felt her but I wasn't sure and I kind of wrote it off to her being in a weird position. I was one of those pregnant women who was constantly getting checked out at every sign of something strange but I figured because I was so far along nothing was wrong (26 weeks) i would wait until my routine appointment on the 03rd. I woke up at 12 midnight on the 02nd and I had to pee- but harper wasn't kicking my bladder like she usually did. I laid there for about an hour and I didn't feel her move at all. I was trying to think of every excuse out there as to why she wasn't moving and I wrote it off to having an anterior placenta.. even my obgyn said her kicks would be muffled. I finally fell asleep and at 6 am that morning I woke up and I had to pee again - didn't feel her at all. I pulled out my home doppler and I couldn't find anything except my own heartbeat. I came to the harsh reality of her passing and laid in a bath completely devastated because even though I had hope subconsciously I knew what was to come. I went to labor and delivery and they confirmed my worst fears with an ultrasound. Immediately afterwards we started my labor and 27 hours later I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl. she measured exactly to my due date, she was perfect in every way. cord was fine, placenta was fine and the hospital determined the death as inconclusive. I am still waiting for the autopsy all I really want is answers- I chose not to see her because I couldn't take it. My family dressed her and took pictures of her which I'll see when I can take it. my heart is broken and I am completely shattered. 2 weeks ago if someone would've asked me what I would do if my baby died I would've told them I couldn't take it. And now that I have to take it my life seems so empty- even in a room full of people I'm so empty. I'm really trying to get through this and talking about it and reading seems to help. I'm just holding onto seeing my baby girl again one day.