Carsen My Angel

I was 19 when I became pregant with my first child, my partner knew all a long that it wasd going to be a boy so at 12wks we choose his name, at 26wks we moved in to our own place a lovely 2 bed. I was slowly coming to terms with the fact that shortly i was going to responsiable for some apart from me it was hard i wondered weather i was going to be able to handle such a huge job. My pregancy was preatty normal, my sister was also pregant with a little boy so i knew they would be such good buddies! On the 3rd of january i awoke in pain i thought that i had gone into early labour the pain was very intense and in my lower adomen as it was my first child i knew that my labour was going to be a long one so i decided to eat breakfast and tidy the house a little before my partner took me to the hospital which was a 5 minute drive from our place.

When we arrived at the hospital i told the nursing staff that i belived i was in early labour i could feel there scorn (silly child, complaining of pain shes got no idea)  the placed us in this little cubical and it was another 45mins before i saw anyone again then they came to take my bp ect the pain had eased slightly but I'd devolped an uneasy feeling i demanded that someone check my baby AT ONCE!!

I'll never forget being straped up to the moniter and nothing them pressing the doppler in so hard i thought they'd knock a little arm off, when i looked at the nurse i could see the concentration in her face and I knew then something was wrong but it wasn't until she said the moniter appears to be "playing up" that I relised that they couldnt find his little heart beat it's a undescriable relisation that the little bubbie that you've been waiting for is gone and there is'nt **** anyone can d. They brought in the doctor and new machine, my poor partner was getting quite upset now he refused to listen to me, he refused to belive he was gone. I wanted to scream at the doctors to cut me open get him out, try save him the save newborns all the time why was'nt someone trying to save my baby, they didnt understand that i didnt want them to hold my hand and tell me it was going to be alright i just had to stay calm. CALM i yelled my baby just died and your doing nothing.

My mother arrived shortly afterwards i just remeber telling her he'd died I had called her whilst i was in the cubical and told her i thought she'd better leave work as i was sure he was coming today she came as fast as she could i collasped in her arms and screamed why me, why now, couldnt have been me instead i would have gladly given my life for the son i would never know.

I was moved to auckland Womens hospital where i was given the choice to be induced or carry full term and deliver then, I told them i wasnt ready to have my baby i need to keep him with me I thought that if i did by some mircle i would wake the next day and this would just be some silly misunderstanding, my mother and partner were insistant that before anything should happen another scan should be preformed just to make sure, double check that there really was no heartbeat, i dont think i'll ever forget looking at that screen and seeing the lifeless image of my son, it was then that i decided that i needed to take the damn pills and let my baby be born.

I took the pills and left the hospital i was told to come back early the next morning, i remeber going to the supermarket and stopping for gas and thinking how strange it feels knowing that i was carring my dead son and all these strangers were looking at me giving me that smile that you give heavily pregant women, if only they knew.  I came home and sat in his bedroom which my partner had just set up the day before, oh how proud he looked after he set the crib up and painted the second hand nursey drawers and bookself to match. ther i was looking at the crib he'd never sleep in, the house he'd never come home to all the clothes we struggled to save up for, that he'd never get the chance to wear. I wondered through my tears how do people go on after this, how do i as a mother to a baby who has died pull myself together.

3 days later i delivered carsen with my mother and adam at my side, what i'd love to say is that the sun was shining and it was a lovely experence but it was 5:45am it was dark and raining it came on so fast that no one even had the chance to turn the lights on, I still wasn't expecting the dead slience that came they haned him to me and i all i saw was me, my face just a lttle more boyish, his skin was peeling, his nose was bleeding, his eyelid was curled over with red raw skin and yet he was the lovest sight i'd ever laid my eyes on it was overwhelming. I had the most wonderful midwife who had never delivered a stillborn before and yet knew excally what to do. She treated my son with the upmost care, she let me have the time i needed but she knew when it was time to whisk him off and give me the break that i needed to get my head around it.

We spent that whole day with him surrouned by family which was lovely i got the chance to show off my baby that was never ment to, everyone cooed and ahhhed over him which was lovely because in hindsight i don't htink i would have been able to do it before this i would have been grossed out by the sight of a slightly decomposed infant body, those people may never know how much it ment to me to be able to finally introduce my little bubbie to the world it made it easier afterwards to know that he'd met all the people that would have been such a huge part of his life.

I have a few regrets the first being i never had a good look at his body the nurses bathed and dressed him in the outfit i'd chosen for him so i never saw him naked never saw what his little bum looked like what his feet looked like ect, secondly i never knew that i could have taken him home put him in his cot that his daddy had so painstakling set up, also that i could have visted him at the funeral parlour, I had aa quick peek at him in his little white casket and he looked the best i'd seem him the autopsy had done justice to my bubbie his cheecks were puffy and his skin a natural color i just wanted to hold him one last time, my body ached for his touch.

My father took the funeral that we had graveside it was lovely the right amount of emotion on a lovely summer day after everyone had left and it was just me and mum and adam left his casket was just placed inside the grave and it took every ounce of self control not to lift the lid and take my baby out, as a mother the thought of leaving your baby in a hole in the ground with noone watching him anyone could have done anything i wanted to wait untill someone came and covered him in but adam thought that would be to hard to watch.

Its now been 2 years and 2 painfull birthdays since carsen was laid to rest, at first i thought there was no way i was ever going to be okay again i'd experenced something to painfull i thought i was to young to know such a saddness i fell into a black hole especially after the birth of my newphew to months later, i did some really stupid things i hurt alot of people but i just didnt know how to cope but like with all things time heals to some extent. I also credit alot to my wonderful and beautiful newphew jesse as hard as it was when he was born i knew he was a part of my family he was the baby that i could hold when my arms hurt for a baby, he was always there for a smile and a cuddle when i most needed one, he never looked at me with the sadness some adults did "oh theres leah poor her her baby died". He kept meoccupied untill i was ready to go back to work. Jesse also helped me track the growth and progress that carsen would have made had he been given the chance ie rolling over, first tooth, first word ect. He has to some extent filled that gapping hole in me that carsen left. I love him like he was my own and i'm just lucky enough to have had a sister who never minded sharing him with me.

I now have a new baby Christian James he's four and a half months and he's my world, my heart and my sun and my rain I wanted another baby so bad after carsen but all but i think i just wasnt ready it was painful waiting so long before i could finally have a baby to call my own but i think in hindsight i probally wouldnt have coped if i had of got pregant any sooner, it was scary enough being pregant again after having a still born that i cant imagine what it would have been like had with my greif still so fresh but i do understand why women would get pregant straight away. I thought that once i had christian i would be able to put carsen into a box and think about him at special times WRONG ITS A MYTH THAT A NEW BABY HEALS A BROKEN HEART at first he was just a reminder of all the things i missed out on and it didnt help that he was the spitting image of carsen but i guess thats what you get when two peas come for the same pod??? He has made me relise that he is his own person though he was never ment to be a replacement nor is he, But he is the biggest reminder of carsen because without carsen there would be no christian.

I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR MUM

HE WILL ALWAYS DADDY

 

CARSEN RILEY MICHEAL KEYS

6th of January 2008