It's Not Like What You Would Think...

ok, i guess in relation to say children in somalia my childhood was NOT terrible.  but in my own subjective reality it was.  here is my story.

i don't know where to begin.  i was a planned child of married educated parents.  my mom was going for her master's degree, my dad working on his doctorate.  both were in the education profession.  my mom has an iq of over 160.  my father is a physicist.  it is no surprise that i have higher than average intelligence.  as a very small child i learned to read.  i enjoyed books, music, make-believe and art.  i was extremely expressive, often a show-off.  but then everything changed.

my mom, as smart as she is has asperger's syndrome.  i never knew this or realized it, nor did i even know what it was.  but due to her inappropriate social abilities, i failed to learn these skills myself.  i was often self-centered and ungroomed.  eventually other children noticed this and ceased socializing with me.  i was often by myself on the playground during recess.  eventually i sank into a deep childhood depression.  the more depressed i became, the more the other kids would abuse and torture me.  my teachers noticed that i was "different" and had me observed by the child study team.  they sent me to the interventionist and advised my parents that i might benefit from some sort of professional help.  since i was "gifted" i was never classified as emotionally disturbed-- as the two were considered mutually exclusive.  a child could NOT be gifted and learning disabled at the same time.  it was not possible.  to make matters worse, i wasn't really aware that there was anything "wrong" with me.  i just thought the other kids were mean.  my parents never got the "professional help" i needed (dad worked two jobs and my mother-- well, like i said, she was unable to be aware of my needs).  remember how creative and outgoing i said i was as a small child?  reember how i said i loved to perform?  this was no longer the case.  i became more and more withdrawn and depressed.  one time a girl in class had a birthday party and invited the entire class.  there was one child who did not receive an invitation.  can you guess who that child was?

i would like to say that i blossomed as i grew into a teenager.  i would like to say that but it just isn't the case.  sure, i found some people who accepted me, learned to bathe once in awhile and eventually began a cycle of inappropriate sexual relationships and subtance abuse.  i finally realized when i was 21 that i had problems that i just couldn't handle myself and finally sought the help of a doctor-- some 12 years after it was first suggested to my parents that there might be a problem.  and now another 12 years later, my depression is in remission and i'm finally starting to behave appropriately.

i have decided not to have children because i never want anyone to go through what i did.