I Had An Abortion Against My Will

i had an abortion and it was the hardest thing i ever had to do. My b/f at the time, who i loved with all my heart, made it very clear about how he felt about the unplanned pregnancy. We were with each other for 5 years and it was about in our third year when i got pregnant. I very much wanted to have the baby, i loved my b/f with all my heart. It was a kind of love that i had never experienced before. When i told him i was pregnant he became FURIOUS and gave me an ultimatum. He told me point blank that if i proceeded with the pregnancy he would walk away for ever from me and never look back. I made the biggest mistake of my life, by not telling ANYONE, i just sobbed in my room and when my friends would ask me what was wrong i never told them. the other mistake i made was never telling my parents, i was 26 at the time so they would not have been SHOCKED if i had told them that i was pregnant and they would have made sure that i did what i wanted to do, despite the ultimatum that my b/f gave me. So when i realized that i would lose the love of my life if i had the baby, the man i thought i would marry and live happily ever after, like all those wonderful fairy tales, i decided despite my feelings to do what he wanted and go forward with the abortion. Because my father was a doctor i decided that i would not go to any hospital for fear of him finding out. So i made an appointment with the Morgentaller Clinic. My boyfriend with me but i believe the only reason that he did was to make sure that i would follow through with the abortion. I will never forget that day, it was pouring rain outside, which matched my mood. The drive to the clinic was completely silent except for the few sobs i couldn't keep in. The day that i had my appointment was also a day that the pro-lifers were holding a rally right outside the doors of the clinic, so to get inside you had no choice but to hear the people screaming at you regarding the fact that i was murdering an innocent baby. Their picket signs were full of mangled fetuses. It was so horrific. Just before i thought i managed to get by the mob safely, i was grabbed by a priest and he kept telling me not to murder the baby but to give it to a loving couple. Luckily at that time the people at the clinic who were used to this scene, pushed the priest off me and safely got me in the clinic. None of this seemed to bother my b/f at all. There were three flights to this clinic. The first two floors, the people who were their to support the women going through this procedure were allowed to be on, but the third floor, where the abortion actually took place the support person was not allowed to go too. i was very upset by this because i wanted my b/f to see everything he was making me do against my will. On the first floor, they explained the procedure to make sure you fully understood what would be happening. They also gave you a mild sedative. I was balling my eyes out and the nurse really thought that i should cancel the procedure and spend a bit more time deciding if i really wanted to do this. My b/f quickly jumped in and spoke supposedly on my behalf. Come hell or high water he had no intention of rescheduling, it was going to happen today!! He managed to convince the nurse that i did want the abortion knowing due to our so called circumstances it was our best decision. i never said a word, i just stared out the window with tears streaming down my face. I will never forget the very last thing she said to me, she said remember that you will go up those stairs pregnant and when you come down those stairs you will NOT be pregnant anymore. Those words still ring in my head every once in a while to this very day, 19 years later. We both walked up to the second flight where couples were waiting for their name to be called. All the women looked scared, some of the men appeared sad and others like my b/f looked relieved. It felt like hours before they called my name but in actuality it was probably about 15 minutes. Once they called my name, still quietly sobbing, i walked up the final set of stairs. When i got to the top floor i was given a gown to put on, there were no private change rooms, it felt weird for some reason changing into the robe with no privacy, i was still quietly sobbing and my whole body was shaking by this point. Once again the nurse spoke privately to me saying she really didn't think i was emotionally ready to do this and that it was absolutely ok to change my mind, take some more time and make sure that this was the right choice for me. i quietly told her that i had no choice in the matter and that i just had to do what i had to do. She escorted me to a chair, handed me a blanket and a Kleenex and left me alone. There were about 5 women in their robes waiting for their turn. Some of them seemed completely fine, like they were going to the dentist to get their teeth cleaned, some looked scared as hell and then there was me who must have looked scared to death while i continued to sob away quietly. The whole scene made me feel like i was at a butchers office, if butchers actually had offices. One by one the women before me were called into the room where the abortion took place. The entire procedure appeared to be about 10 minutes long. i watched them go in and 10 minutes come out and then after they cleaned up the room, which they obviously had down to a fine tooth comb the next women would go in. Finally i knew that it would be my turn next. Full of fear and still quietly sobbing, out came Dr, Morgentaller to speak with me. He told me that everyone who had dealt with me didn't think i was emotionally prepared for the abortion, We spoke for a few minutes and he said that against his better judgment he would preform the abortion. i got into the room, it was tiny but the instruments and the machine felt overwhelmingly big. i crawled up onto the table and the nurse grabbed my hand TIGHT and explained everything that was about to happen. At the time that i had my abortion the Morgentaller clinics did not have the license to give any medication, not even laughing glass, all they were allowed to do legally was to administer a local anesthesia to the cervix, so i was told that not only would the needle it self would hurt but the entire procedure would be painful Still crying and holding onto the nurses hand as hard as i could Dr. Morgentaller asked me one more time before he started if i wanted to reschedule. i didn't even verbalize my answer i just shooked my head no, so he said he would now proceed and in about 15 minutes it would all be over. I remember that they didn't even have music playing that could possibly distract you. So unfortunately you could hear the loud sound of the suction machine. The nurse did her best to keep me calm and distracted, she asked me question after question about my life and my plans for the future and as much as i wanted to be polite and answer her, nothing would come out of my mouth. I felt every inch of that suction tube scrapping the insides of my uterus. By the end of the abortion i felt like i knew every crevasse of my uterus and the complete size and shape of it. FINALLY the machines were turned off and i did my best not too look into the container where the fetus and been sucked out of my body. Dr. Morgentaller said that it was all over and that i did well and from what he could tell i shouldn't have any problems conceiving again in the future. God, i had never even thought about that. Not for even one moment did i think that any complications from an abortion could put me at risk for never being able to conceive again but by this time it was just one more piece of ugly information regarding the whole ordeal. After the abortion the nurse placed me in a very comfortable reclining chair, kind of like the ones you sit in when you are at the dentists. The nurse then covered me with a blanket, handed me a glass of orange juice, told me to sip on it until it was finished and in the meantime they would monitor my blood pressure off and on for the next 10 minutes. i did as i was told, i was no longer weeping i believe i was in a state of shock, i was completely despondent at this time. 10 minutes passed and the nurse gave me the OK for me to get up, get changed and go home. I walked into the room to change back into my clothes and just like the first nurse said i went up the stairs pregnant and went down the stairs NOT pregnant. My b/f was sitting in the waiting room chatting and laughing with a friend on the phone. I didn't even look at him, i just went down the next set of stairs, grabbed my coat and waited at the door for my idiotic b/f to catch up with me so i could go home. He never even asked if i was OK. As we were driving i told him we needed to stop at a store to pick up some maxi pads. After what i just went through i though the VERY least he could do was go into the store and buy them for me, because by this time i was experiencing terrible cramps. When we stopped at the store he just sat in his seat. i looked at him in amazement and said, aren't you going to go get them? he replied, I'm a guy, i don't want to buy them. i could not believe his complete insensitivity. So after an unwanted abortion and severe cramps , i went into the store to buy the maxi pads.We continued to drive in silence, finally i announced that i didn't want to go straight home and be by myself, so he agreed that we would go back to his home. i cuddled up in a single chair, so he couldn't sit by me, i covered myself with a blanket, and i stared blankly at the television set that wasn't on. LITERALLY 30 minutes later, he approached me and asked how i was doing? Mockingly and with anger i stared at him directly in his eyes and said *GREAT, how about you?* He knew by my tone of voice not to say a word. Approximately 10 minutes later i saw him grab his keys, put on his coat and announce that he was going to drive me home now because he had things to do. By this time i felt completely fine to go home because it was so bloody obvious that he didn't give a damn about how i was feeling, all he cared about was that he no longer had to worry about the birth of a baby that he would be 50% financially responsible for. He drove me home and we didn't say a word. He got out of the car when we arrived at my home and i looked at him and said *what the HELL do you think you're doing?* He never answered, he just got back in his car, never looked back and drove away as fast as he could. I got into my home and for the first time that day i felt safe, still very sad and upset, but safe. i was at my home with my things and i could do whatever i wanted without his evil eye of scrutiny. It took him three days before he had the guts to call me.
AlwaysRemembers AlwaysRemembers
41-45, F
24 Responses Apr 10, 2007

At reading this story Im lost at trying to understand how you loved this jerk, who sounds like a real frikin jerk, enuf to do that?

Everytime I read this type of story, I'm really angry!<br />
Nobody has the right to pressure, coerce or intimidate anyone into an abortion. They don't have to suffer the consequences. It's not their life that will be altered.<br />
Get rid of those who forced you into it. They're garbage! It's your body and your life. Nobody else's!

That boyfriend of yours is an S.O.B! If he really loved you, he would've accepted you and the baby,too. I hope you are rid of him. Since it's the woman who has to suffer abortion's consequences, it should be only her decision. <br />
I hope you find someone who'll really love you rather than use you for selfish reasons. You deserve<br />
better!

I am so sorry...<br />
<br />
Stories like this absolutely HORRIFY me because I am a counselor at a women's reproductive health clinic where abortions are performed. It is beyond my comprehension that your counselor allowed the procedure to take place at all! That person should have known better and refused to give your medical chart clearance to the surgery ward. The unethical behavior of the clinic you visited makes me furious beyond words.<br />
<br />
Wow... you are so strong to have gone through that. I hope that no women who is facing an unwanted pregnancy ever has to go through what you did.

What do you do with women who are being
pressured to abort? Send them away or refer
them somewhere for pregnancy help. If you just dismiss them, you're no better than those
who pressure them.

I am so glad to read that you dropped that guy. I am also so glad that you were able to move forward with your life and that you were able to have two children. Abortion is a really tough thing. <br />
<br />
I am amazed at the arrogance of the Pro-lifers that emailed you personally. You should post their names here publicly and then we can all contact them :) personally. I am sorry that they added negativity to things rather than reading with compassion.

WOW that was one of the saddest stories i have EVER heard and i truly admire your courage for just posting this sad sad story it really painted a vivid hateful picture against that fucktard of a EX bf u had. Anyway im sincerely sorry you had to go through that unimaginable pain and the warmest wishes to you ~BUDDAH

as an earlier poster said I am kinda against abortion (rape ****** cases and child predation being the exceptions) but I can really find no fault in what you did. My mom has a history of being in abusive relationships and I was raised in that type of enviorment SO I respect your courage in sharing the story and it will most likley help some young person going through the same thing.<br />
<br />
And if any guy does this to his girl well you will get what is coming to you.

Man, I don't think I would have been able to go through something like that. I agree with everybody on here, you're super strong for being able to even write this on here. I'm glad you saw the guy as he truely was, but I know what it's like to be pressured into doing something by somebody who supposedly 'loves' you. As I read the story, I felt your sadness but I also got extremely angry with him. I probably would have ended up slapping him or something.

I cant believe he wanted you to have an abortion. You had been together for quite a while! It just doesnt make any sense about him not taking your feelings into consideration. I hate that you were put through this whole scene. I know you are probably scarred for life by this incident! I can understand totally!!! Im just glad you still have yourself......and you no longer have him in your life! Thanks for your story.....it opened up my eyes alot! Take care!!!

your story was so emotionally intense. i am so sorry that you had to go through such a terrible experience and emotional betrayal.

your story was so emotionally intense. i am so sorry that you had to go through such a terrible experience and emotional betrayal.

i am sooo sorry you had to go through this terrible experience!!!

While i don't believe in abortion for myself , i do not stand in judgement of those who have. I don't think alot of women realize the after effects and for you to have gone through this alone must have been hell. You are a strong young woman , people are always going to jump all over this issue...Stay strong .

I too have dealt with this pain.....over the past 10 years and live with this everyday. I know that at 17, raped and going off to college, was unable to raise a child, but I wanted the choice to do so. But unfortunately, my parents ruled my body as a minor being supported by them at the time. Or at least I let them....(I have a voice but it was smaller than theirs). I am getting married now in 6 mo and hope to have lotsa babies lol. This one tho after the fact I found I was still pregnant and was an eptopic pregnancy... but I didn't know that when I went through with it, so there's no justification there for me..... But reading your story brought back so many feelings and emotions that I still feel everyday. I am soooo proud of you for standing up for yourself and against what people may say reading this. My only question is, when they see the topic and disagreed with it... then why did they read it? I DEALwith MY decision everyday and not anyone else. That's all and thank you for letting me know I DON"T have to be ashamed anymore.

I too have dealt with this pain.....over the past 10 years and live with this everyday. I know that at 17, raped and going off to college, was unable to raise a child, but I wanted the choice to do so. But unfortunately, my parents ruled my body as a minor being supported by them at the time. Or at least I let them....(I have a voice but it was smaller than theirs). I am getting married now in 6 mo and hope to have lotsa babies lol. This one tho after the fact I found I was still pregnant and was an eptopic pregnancy... but I didn't know that when I went through with it, so there's no justification there for me..... But reading your story brought back so many feelings and emotions that I still feel everyday. I am soooo proud of you for standing up for yourself and against what people may say reading this. My only question is, when they see the topic and disagreed with it... then why did they read it? I DEALwith MY decision everyday and not anyone else. That's all and thank you for letting me know I DON"T have to be ashamed anymore.

Those who are judging you are also no doubt thumping on their Bibles - a book which says "Ye shall not judge" and "Love thy Neighbor" and "Forgive thy enemy for they know not what they do."<br />
<br />
I've been in your shoes, regrettably. The story was nearly exact with few exceptions ... My boyfriend/fiance actually physically assaulted me to instill the fear of God in me and get me to go through with it. <br />
<br />
I have a story which includes him and the pregnancy but doesn't go into detail.<br />
<br />
He disappeared for a month after I told him. He showed back up to instill the fear. Due to all the stress with a physical pounding on top of it, by the time I got to the clinic a week later I was in the midst of miscarriage but didn't know it until after the procedure. I went in the room thinking I was getting an abortion against my will and came out being told it ended up being a DNC ... <br />
<br />
I haven't any notion how to feel about it considering my actions and the outcome... <br />
<br />
Come to find out ... my boyfriend/fiance already had like 7 children with 5 different women ... <br />
<br />
I wish you a lifetime of hugs on the days your mind chooses to remember ... I wish I could get rid of our memories ... *sighs*

I hope whoever judges you for that bites their tongue while eating dinner tonight.I had one too for the same reason and the guy I was with played on my fears to get me to do it. I have regretted it since,it hurt me so bad.If I could I would give you a hug,you are a good person,dont let those ***** get you down.

you are a truely courageous person. I am so sorry that you didnt have anyone to talk to. I agree with uncommonlysweet- you got to see that sorry excuse for a man for what he really was. i am pro life my self, but no one has the right to judge you because they are not in your shoes. Again, you are a very brave person and i admire your strength.

Reading your story has given life to vivid memories that I guess I chose not to remember. I must say that the experience is horrible and that I understand completely how you must think about that child often. For me the torment of the memories did not stop untill I had my daughter. I guess my biggest worry was if I would beable to concieve again. I'm not over the whole ordeal but Things do get better with time. I wish you self forgiveness and peace about the whole situation. And remember that every decision we make comes with a purporse and a lesson. YOU GOT THE CHANCE TO SEE THE JERK FOR WHAT HE WAS. I send you a long ((((((HUG)))))) and hope that one day your wounds heal completely.

Oh Lord, i must be tired, after re-reading my last comment, i wish you all well in trying to understand it!! ;)

swagonwheels, thank you so much for your kind comment. It was a horrible situation, one i would never wish on my worse enemy. I did infact drop the poor excuse of this man, yet still elieve that there are people like you who are caring and thoughtful and non-judgmental regarding my behaviour. If i had the chance to relieve this situation I would have dropped the arrogant sad excuse of a man, and chosen the child in a split second over him. BUT as i have said before, i hav beemn more than blessed by having mt two miracle babies that i cherish with all my heart. I still think of that child that i terminated and often wonder what he or she would have become. But i can not turn back the clock so i must live with a decision that i often, if almost always regret. Thank you for being so caring, it means the world to me!!

I have read a couple of your postings. Wow! You are an impressive individual. In your wounds lie gold definitely applies to you.

Hey Celainn, You are a remarkable person!! Never judgemental and ALWAYS supportive!! Thanks :)

Since I wrote this story I have had three different people email me, basically stating how on earth could I do that to a baby, so I will address the three of you as Pro-Lifer's. Well you ALL have the right to your opinion, but I find it fascinating that instead of posting your comment to me with regards to a very emotional issue you chose to email me directly. I am obviously pro-choice and I am glad that legally I have the right to make a CHOICE. If my choice abhors you, have the GUTS to post it here OR start your own story about how disgusting you feel people are who chose to have a LEGAL abortion!! Thanks, and Peace Out!!