Im Sorry Bby Please Forgive Me! Id Do Anything To Have U Back

For months now I have been looking for groups to join in about other girls who've had abortions at first I still didn't want too Cus I didn't want to be judge (even tho I deserve it ) but today my best friend told me she was pregnant and instead of congratulating her I cried . I was overwhelmed with jealousy . It seems like everyone I know is pregnant . Except for me . Y ?? Because instead of choosing to be a mother to my little boy I killed him . 15 weeks in to my pregnancy I decided to get an abortion . N I regret it so fuking bad ! I feel this hole in my heart is never ever gonna heal ! Everyday I see pregnant girls n I think "that would be me right now" wen I go to stores I walk to th Bby section n I look at the Bby. Clothes n I picture my Bby in that outfit . Every morning I wake up I feel like I'm surfacating . While everyone else breaths I'm stuck in a little square n I can't get out ! I can't breath!!! I just wanna leave my self . Maybe than I'll be able to breath better ... Wen I decided to get an abortion I never thought of what the outcomes would be . I nvr thougt of my bbys feelings. I just thought of mine. At 17 I got pregnant by my bf of 2 yrs . We had a beautiful little girl . Everything was perfect till about around the time my daughter turned a yr old . He started abusing me . Ignoring me . He wouldn't help me take care of my daughter . So we broke uP . A couple months later I started dating other guys : u know. Finding love In all the wrong places . I met a guy who I thought was perfect he was mature was 26 n already had 3 kids . He would call me every morning n we'd be on the phone allll day n night. My mistake was moving too fast n trusting this guy. He wasn't who he was said he was . He was nothing but a low life tweeker after only knowing him a month I decided to sleep with him n I got pregnant . I didn't know what to do . Wen I got pregnant with my daughter I lost my dad n my mom . I had just got them bak I couldn't loose my dad n mom again of they found out I had gotten pregnant by a tweeker I hardly knew . I kept telling myself I could hide it I. Could get away with him but I knew I couldn't . I wen to my daughters dads mom n asked her to advice she told me too keep the Bby that it would the best thing to do . At the same time I had my friends telling me not too keep it n all I could think about was my parents being dissapointed in me again n hating me . I hated the guy who got me pregnant I loathe him. But I gotta say he actually had a heart Cus he tried to stop me from killing that Bby . But I told him I had a misscariage n he believed me . I went bak too my daughters dad n we wanted too fix things. But he wouldn't accept by Bby in my tummy . I was left with decidIng too keep my Bby be a single mother in school with 2 kids n no home or take my daughters dad n put bak our family together but kill the Bby living inside me ... After weeks n weeks of thinking I actually went in n got the abortion . I layed on the table scared n shaking holding bak my tears I could remember the dr saying "don't worry this shot will make u feel warm you won't be. Cold anymore " the thing is I wasn't cold I was so scared that I was shaking really bad . I closed my eyes n fell asleep before any tears fell out n it was don'e 30 min later I woke up . Scared n confused I didn't know where I was all I could feel was the tears running down my face but I didn't know what was goin on . It took 20 min for me to actually wake up n come to terms with what I had done. I had to walk out of that clinic acting like nothing had happened . But I really wanted to throw myself on the floor n cry! But what I could do now ?? He was dead . Every single day now I live with that haunting memory ! N I can't live like this ! I don't know what too do . I see my Bby n my dreams n I can't hold him or kiss him . It's like I'm being teased !!! N I can't handle it! I don know how to go on for my daughter web everyday I feel like killing myself for what I did . I may be happy with the family I chose. But my heart will always miss a piece that can't be replace n that's my son . How do I go on !???? Help me !:..(!!
ForgiveMe10 ForgiveMe10
18-21, F
2 Responses May 7, 2012

Hey :) my name is Roo. I read your story about having an abortion, and I know how you are feeling. There is help for you. There are crisis pregnancy centers willing to help you through this with love, respect, and support. If you want, I can help you find one in your area.

Oh sweetie. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't say that I know what you're going through but I can say God forgives you. Your baby forgives you. Now you must forgive yourself. You made a mistake. You let life and what everyone else wanted guide your decision. You now have to deal with the anger and heartache. I personally believe a good way for you to make amends and start to forgive yourself would be to be an advocate and counsel young expecting mothers. Help guide them to make sure they know 100% without a doubt that an abortion is what they want. You got caught in a difficult situation and you got a little lost. You did what you thought was best at the time. Grieve for your baby but don't beat yourself up so much. People make mistakes and we all do things we regret. I can say from personal experience that leaning on God has been the only thing that helped me through some really dark times. I know God forgives you and I also know He has your baby wrapped in his arms. Hang onto that thought. You will meet your baby one day. <br />
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Sending you the warmest love and support,<br />
-Dizzy Girl-