He Left Me After Abortion - Dealing With P.a.s.s

Last christmas i found out i was pregnant with my then boyfriends baby, we had only been together for two months but i was absolutely 100% crazy in love with him.(i never mentioned the L word to him. Through fear of scaring him away) We worked in the same office (thats where we met). And as careful as we were, i still caught on. We had one 'accident' but i rushed out the next day for the morning after pill & never thought anything of it. I took the test one morning before work, just to be sure, and within seconds it flashed up positive. I felt numb at the time. I was living with my grandparents saving for my own place, he was waiting to hear back on a house that he wanted to buy. We had only been together two months. How could this have happened? I nervously text him & explained. He called straight away & his first words 'we cant have a baby'. He sent several emails at work that day pointing out the negatives and what would happen to 'his' life. That night we talked & he managed to convince me to abort. I was DYING inside. He had no idea what this decision was doing to me. He told his parents. Who said the same thing, that it was the wrong time. On the morning of the abortion he held my hand in the waiting room & promised me that everything was going to be okay. That one day the time would be right & we'd go to our parents smiling & happy. He said if i kept the baby, the strain would probably break us apart. And the pain in his eyes when i said i needed more time.. That killed me. I had the reat of his life in my hands. I couldnt hurt him like that. He started to drift after about two days. Eventually stopped calling me 'babe' or 'sweetheart'. And i.. Well i was in the biggest darkest hole i had ever been in.. I needed him SO badly. The pain, guilt and regret was killing me. But he had plans with his mates, so he'd see me tomorrow instead. The next day, i asked if i could talk. I wanted to tell him the only reason i went through with this was because i loved him, and i would do anything for his happiness. But that i needed him to just be there for me while i got over it all. The second i opened my mouth to start talking, he interrupted..'i dont want this anymore'. As the hole in my chest grew bigger as he continued & i realised the true extent of my actions, i cried, for days and days. I had given up something so important to me, for him, and he's not even showing the slightest of bother. As you can imagine, work was hell. I suffered a slight breakdown & i quit my job & moved abroad. This, i realise now, was just me running away. I came back home & a few months later have a new job & im living with my best friend who i love so very much. Things started to settle but i was still broken. Like a weight in my stomach i couldnt shift. Then, out of the blue, my best friend & housemate landed a job at my old place. I was very proud, she deserved it. Then... Around three months later, she fell in love. With my ex boyfriends best friend (who happens to work there also and is probably the most wonderful man i have ever met). I couldnt be happier for them. But i recently started seeing my ex at social events, hearing of him or just knowing he was out. And all the pain is back. He apparently 'talked to me' last time we were out. But after a few glasses of wine, i barely remember. Its got to a point now where i know he is going to be in my life for a while, if not forever. My best friend blames herself for my greif and i hate that! I don't want to talk to him. We tried once. It didnt work. I dont know what to do? Do i avoid nights out? Avoid ever getting involved in social events? This weekend i saw him & he completely blanked me.

My doctor recently diagnosed me with PASS (post abortion stress syndrome). Apparently it's not an official 'syndrome'. But it does exist. And i am working hard to take my mind off it as i get closer to the one year 'anniversary' of my big mistake.

I just wonder if anyone else has suffered the same thing? And if you have any advice? I wanted to cut him out of my life completely. But it's becoming more & more difficult.
Experiencethis124 Experiencethis124
22-25, F
1 Response Nov 26, 2012

Hey :) my name is Roo. I read your story about having an abortion, and I know how you are feeling. There is help for you. There are crisis pregnancy centers willing to help you through this with love, respect, and support. If you want, I can help you find one in your area.