I am 41 yrs old. I had an abortion 2 yrs ago when I was 39. I am married for 17 yrs and have twins who were 5 yrs old at the time. My husband & I struggled for 4 years with infertility and many rounds of IUI and 2 IVF cycles to get pregnant. We were finally blessed with twins. My pregnancy was horrendous (many complications) but nonetheless my babies were born perfectly healthy. Since we had so much trouble conceiving, we didn't think we would ever conceive naturally especially after the years went by. We were somewhat careful and didn't have unprotected sex on my fertile days but occasionally we would slack about it thinking it would never happen because we were an infertile couple. When I found out I was pregnant I was so shocked I just couldn't believe it was happening. My husband has RA and takes many medications that can cause problems with the fetus. That was our first concern. When we did IVF there was a whole protocol he had to follow to stop meds beforehand. I was also taking anti-anxiety medication at the time. We have autism on both sides of our extended family. I was 39, my husband was 47. Our odds of having an autistic child were high, due to our age and family history. We were scared to say the least. I know autism can be dealt with and it's not always as devastating as it sounds, depending how far into the spectrum the child is, however we have seen first hand how it can be extremely expensive, stressful and just plain devastating to raise an autistic child. We didn't want to take that chance. We didn't want to burden our children with the possibility of caring for a disabled younger sibling when we are no longer able to do it ourselves. We made the very difficult decision to end our pregnancy. I was only 5 weeks along when I had a surgical abortion under general anesthesia so thankfully I have no recollection of the actual procedure. However I have been forever changed. I walked out of that clinic a completely different person. It has made me question everything and every decision in my life. I look into my children's eyes today and wonder if what I did protected them or just deprived them of having a younger sibling. I haven't forgiven myself. When I had the procedure done, I felt it was the only way out but today I wonder if I rushed into the decision out of fear alone. Who is to say my child would really have autism or any other issues? I now resent my husband for talking me into the abortion as opposed to trying to get through the pregnancy and accepting this new life. I feel guilty for taking the life of my unborn baby when so many people struggle with infertility for years, sometimes giving up after never being able to conceive. Having been through it myself I know it's not an easy road. How ironic, never in a million years did I think I would be ending my baby's life when a few years ago I was trying so desperately to conceive. I feel unworthy of having the children I was blessed with, and unworthy of God's love and forgiveness. I was raised in a conservative Christian home so mentioning it to my family was out of the question. I thought they would never understand and would tell me i must accept the life i was blessed with, with or without a disability. I didn't want to hear those words. Even worse, i ended my pregnancy on the possibility that my baby would be disabled, not even thinking that he/she could have been perfectly healthy. I must live with my decision and try to be the best Mom I can be to the children I have. But the "what if's" will always haunt me and my life will never be the same. I am so mad at myself for even allowing the pregnancy to happen or to doubt it could ever happen. My husband has had a vasectomy since and we are so sorry we didn't have it done sooner, again, because we never thought we could conceive without medical assistance. Sometimes I wish I hadn't rushed into this decision and had some prenatal tests done, but our fear of autism couldn't be tested for during pregnancy and if we found something else wrong with the baby later in the pregnancy, deciding to abort would have been a much more difficult decision. So we wanted to "fix" the problem by ending the pregnancy very early on thinking we wouldn't be so affected by it. I was very mistaken. It has affected me in ways I never thought possible. I have flashbacks of the day I walked into the clinic and just wish I could erase the whole thing from my memory. I don't judge anyone who has had an abortion and doesn't regret her decision. I am simply saying my journey hasn't been easy and although I don't fully regret my decision, I certainly question it. I hope to someday be able to help others in similar situations as mine and offer non-judgmental support.
flamengogirl flamengogirl
41-45, F
Aug 18, 2014