Abortion At 15 Weeks And Shocked.From the start when i found out i was pregnant i was just thinking how did i let this happen? I never ever wanted to have an abortion. But not being able to give my baby the life i wanted it to have or having a stable environment for it...well i just couldn't let another baby come into this world not ready. I want to have a baby when i am 100% ready. I had a very hard life growing up and i am now 21 yrs. old and considering...i have done well for myself. My mom is a binge addict addicted to crack and my bf mom is in the military so we only see her about once a yr. maybe. When i have a baby i want it to be surrounded by grandmothers and the whole family and i want to be able to give my all to her or him. I know i will be a good mom someday but i just was not ready...financially...emotionally...or physically. Im torn between what is right and wrong in my eyes. I feel as if i did the best thing bc he or she would not be brought into this world with security. But i also feel hate towards what i have done bc when i got my sonogram and she told me i was 15 weeks i was in shock. I looked online to see what the baby looks like and by then he or she is about 4 inches and their is even an umbilical cord and it just broke my heart bc i killed an innocent baby inside me...this beautiful baby that my bf and i made. Its going to take some time to fully get over and come to peace with what ive done but i am making a promise to myself that when the day comes when i hopefully get pregnant again that i will be the best mom a baby could have and from this point on my life is going to change for the better and i will be ready for when it happens.
As for the experience...it is something that nobody could ever ever understand unless they go through it. From signing all the paper work to the sonogram the staff was very nice. I was calm and felt comfortable. But as soon as i walked into that room where they had to do the procedure my heart was racing. I could not believe what was about to happen. The male doctor came in with 2 nurses and it was like they were all touching me while hes asking me questions and i felt so overwhelmed. What really messed my head up emotionally was he asked in a tone i cant really describe..."why did you wait until so far into the pregnancy?"....i said "bc i didnt know until a few days ago i was even pregnant. He just made me feel even worse and from that point i was just so distraught. I had an IV sedation which i was told would make me drowsy but the last thing i remember is him asking if it burned and i said yes and i went to sleep. The next thing i remember is sitting in a a reclining chair crying my eyes out bc i could not remember anything after that. Which is good in a way bc i didnt feel the procedure. But then my bf came around back and we left and he was so worried why i was crying and i said bc it put me to sleep and before going to sleep i was just feeling sooo bad bc of how the doctor talked to me. When i got home i fell asleep for a few hours then had to wake up to take my antibiotics and pain medication with food. Although i didnt want to eat i had to. I feel like i did the most unnatural thing bc being pregnant is supposed to be this great thing but when your not ready...its just a lot of guilt and sadness. Im writing so much bc i just need to get it all out. I really have no one to talk to about it that understands.
I really feel like a different person. In a good way and bad way. Good way bc im going to try hard to make my life what it should be and so when i get pregnant i can celebrate and be happy. But in a bad way bc i feel horrible for what ive done and i dont know how long it will take to actually feel like i deserve good things.
Also, i had this done june 5th on saturday...and let me tell you i could not believe the amount of women in there. Just all these women who arent ready and had to go through this. Some didnt even seem nervous or anything like theyve done it before but one girl seemed more nervous then me. She looked young and i felt for her. Its sad to think that this has to be done but if youre not ready for it...it has to i guess. I just dont ever want to go through it again. Its too stressful and painful emotionally. But it also takes a strong woman to do it bc i know soooo many girls that got pregnant in highschool that now have 2 or 3 kids and i can see that from the beginning they dont have the life they deserve filled with happiness and security. In school it seemed more like a trend and the cool thing to do...but the fathers left them and their mothers were stuck taking care of their babies. Ive seen it time and time again.
I know i will be a great mom someday and that baby will be so blessed. Thanks for reading.