My Malachi

I had an abortion...I know it was the right thing to do, but I feel so guilty. I made a stupid decision. I let myself fall in with the wrong crowd and I paid the price for it. I was raped..it wasn't my fault, but at the same time it was my fault. I put myself in a dangerous position, all because I was having relationship problems. Luckily, I terminated the pregnancy before it was too far along, but that does not take away the guilt. It feels like I killed a life. There was absolutely no way I could afford a baby, though. I have such conflicting feelings. I don't know what to do. Visiting the fetus' little grave has become a regular thing now. It helps, in a way. I call him Malachi. I never knew him, but I love him. He is beautiful and loved by me no matter where he came from. I hope God forgives me...
Deep down inside, I KNOW I made the right choice, but it hurts. It hurts so bad..
irishdreamer irishdreamer
18-21, F
3 Responses Jul 13, 2010

Oh dearest "My Malachi"<br />
I have a son named Malachi. Yes. You were raped. But it's irrelevant to the pain you have inside. You had Malachi inside you. And you have a good heart. Know that God loves you. It doesn't matter what you have done. Not a single damned thing you can try to do to make it up will matter. God loves you. He knows what you went through. And all he wants for you is to feel the love of His son. Jehova Rapha. It means the Lord Our Healer. Our God has many wonderful names. I would encourage you to pick up your bible and read it, and let His Spirit bring peace to you. With love. A brother in Christ.

Dearest Irish,<br />
Your behavior may have indeed been reckless and put you in circumstances that led to rape, but that is not the same as deserving rape -- no one deserves rape. It is not OK to "feel anything you want." That's psychobabble. Feeling OK after having an abortion is not appropriate. The guilt you are feeling is a normal response to such a bad choice. The way out is to recognize the truth of the matter, to repent, to confess, and to accept God's forgiveness and healing. Life will go on no matter what you do, or if you do nothing at all, but you deserve to have an abundant life, to have peace, and you will never have that if you run away from the truth. I will pray for you, dear. Try Rachel's Vineyard.<br />
Love, Catherine

I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I was molested as a child and I remember telling the counselor that I might as well have been raped because that is exactly what I felt like. But nobody should have to go through that. The abortion was your choice and it is ok to feel anything you want. I had an abortion a few months ago. I aborted twins. I am married and didn't even have the reasons you do to make such a choice. I did it because I was in school and my husband was in the military and we were not financially ready to take on two children. God forgives. If you are religious or believe in confession you should do that for sure. If you are not then God will still forgive you. He loves you. I think about my babies and my decision everyday. You don't have to be strong. Cry if you need to and scream. It really helps. And post on the forums when you need to talk. And just to be clear...THAT RAPE WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. It doesn't matter if you walked into a room full of guys butt naked. You are not property or something to be coveted. You shouldn't have to monitor what you were because you might get raped. Rape and clothing are not related. :) Life will go on, it's going as we speak.