It's Been 3 Years

One thing they don't warn you about when your young, pregnant and terrified, is your future mental health.

Its been 3 years last week since it happened. I still remeber the exact date, how many weeks I was, the look on the midwives face when it happened....

I rememeber thinking to myself, what am I doing? Surely a mother should be protecting her child, making sure no harm came to her baby. But at 16 you don't have alot of choice, I got myself into this horrible situation, I was an idiot, thinkging to myslef "it'll never happen to me". Untill at 5 o'clock every night I felt sick. Something wasn't right my body was changing. So I took a test and I can tell you, my whole body shook when I saw the second blue line turn up.
I was terrified.

To start with I imagined pushing my pram, holding my baby, singing him to sleep at night while rocking him in his cot. But at 16 I had no job, I had just dropped out of high school, no education. What kind of life could I give a baby? I always thought I would be in love and married before I had a child, where it would grow up with everything I wanted to give it within a loving family.

So my mind was made up, I couldn't go through with the pregnancy. I told the father and I told my mother. My friends who were supporting me turned their backs on me. Calling me names and making snide remarks. "Sick B****" one said to me. I never felt so alone and disgusted with myself. By my calculations I was 9 weeks. By the scans calculations I was 13 weeks.

I broke down, I can't remeber much of the day I found out I was 13 weeks gone, I was so... lost. I knew I couldn't have a baby but he had fingers. He had a heart. I had to give birth to my baby but not get to hold him, hear him cry. I don't know if it was the drugs or my brains own defence mechinism but I don't remember much of that either. I remember complications and being taking into theatre, I remmeber the look on the midwives face when it happened and I remmeber getting this needle put into my spine.

So three years on, have i forgotten? No. I think about it nearly everyday. If no one reads this, its fine. It's good to type it out. I can't really speak to nayone about it because of what happend with my friends, I can't stand the judgment, the horrible comments. What I had to do was hard enough. I know alot of people will say "well you got yourself into that mess" and yes I did. It doesn't mean I'm going to get over it. Anyone else years on still feeling the pain?? Your not the only one. I don't think I'll ever forget.
pandora01 pandora01
1 Response Jul 20, 2010

On July 24th It will be a year since i made the biggest mistake of my life. It haunts me daily. If you need someone to talk to I am here.