My Little One I'll Never Know..

I was always against abortion. My whole life I was, thats just how my family was. When I was 17 just 2 months shy of my 18th birthday, I found out I was pregnant. I was crying, but I was happy. I always wanted to be a mom, but was it too soon? Everyone said, "You do have options you know.".. "NO, I don't," was my answer to everyone. I really didn't. That was when I was against abortion, and I would never give my baby up for adoption. I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl 8 months later, she was born at 35wks. Healthy and big! 6lbs, 4oz! She has been my pride and joy ever since that day. After six months though, her dad and I split up and he met someone, and so did I.

Two years later, My boyfriend and I found out that I was pregnant. My mom wasn't to thrilled, but I couldn't blame her, neither of us had a job. His parents weren't happy, but they excepted it. Now, when his older brother and sister found out.. well, that was a different story. I don't think I have ever been more scared emotionally before in my life. His sister was the worst. She hated me and my child, and she never even met us. My daughter is a quarter mexican(her dads side), and his sister would purposely make fun of me and her. How can you hate someone so much that you have to make fun of their child?

His sister was threatening to disown their family if we had the baby, and even more so, if their parents helped us. Thats when it sank in.. I was pregnant, and severely depressed from his sister, and stressed out.. AND JOBLESS. I had no other choice at that moment. I knew I had to do what I was so against. I had to. Who am I to break up a family? But then again, who is she to decided whether I bring life into this world or not?

I made the decision, and I cried for hours.. then a little bit everyday. I cried on my way to the clinic. My boyfriend at my side, we both cried. It wasn't something we wanted to do at all. We had to wait in a small little waiting room filled with other girls, all looking around at each other not saying a word, because we all knew what everyone was there for.

I chose to get the shot, then the pills at home. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about what I have done. It hurts me to know that right now I would have a 3 month old if I didn't do what I have done.

The thing that kills me the most?.. The only people that know the truth are less than 10 people. Everyone else thinks I had a miscarriage. I feel so ashamed about what I did, but I did it for the best.

Now that My Boyfriend and I both have jobs, and are stable a bit. We have been trying and now it has been very hard for me to get pregnant. I am hoping that when I had the abortion that nothing got messed up in me. That would devastate me even more.

Even though I was still early when I went through with it(4-5wks), it will always be my baby<3
secret0ne secret0ne
22-25, F
3 Responses Jul 23, 2010

Thank you both for you support and compassion. My boyfriend and I never speak of our baby we gave up because it's just too hard for us. Now that we both have jobs, we are trying to conceive. Having some trouble, hoping that my body isn't messed up now from what I did. <br />
So thank you TRYING2BSTRONG & DYMUND. <br />
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dymund, you have a whole community here online to talk to about anything!

I completely agree with trying2bstrong because I too in 30 have not come across someone to stand by me, and for me that's what makes the situation worse. I feel if I had that someone things would have gone differently. <br />
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I understand the pain with those that dont know. Less than 10 people even knew I was pregnant. One of the people that knew was the father that within a couple weeks turned his back on me and his unborn child. That hurt more than anything and it's not something I wish on anyone. I have no one to talk to about this and right now I feel like it's tearing me apart.

Do not be ashamed of yourself. You choose a road to follow. From my view you are still a lucky woman. You have a man that stood by your side. In 30 years on this earth I have yet to find one of my own. Plus, you have your pride and joy! As for his sister i am reminded of a saying, "sticks & stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". People will harsh to you on this earth, that fact will never change. Hold your head high and be proud of yourself. She threw judgment at you with not even bothering to put herself in your shoes. "what goes around, comes around". One day someone will throw worse at her and she will hopefully understand what she put you through. <br />
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you will always remember your baby. Celebrate that life. Plant a rose bush or create a place where you can keep the memory alive. Just please do not be ashamed. No one knows what you had to do to go through with your decision. One day you will use the strength you gained from this experience and you, your boyfriend AND your baby girl will benefit from it. <br />
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Do not forget about adoption. If things turn out that you can not have a child, there are so many other children in this world that need love and care. You seem like a woman that has an immense amount of love to give. genetics are not the only thing that play apart in giving love:)