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It Is Done And Over With

tuesday was the day I had my abortion.  The procedure itself at the clinic  was not bad.  I was lucky and had all my paperwork filled out a head of time.  that alllowed me to jump a head of a few people.  Everyone at the clinic was amazing.  just understanding, caring and most of all full of love!.  I would have to say the worse part of it all was waiting the hour after i recieved the drug that would open my cervix.  that was also the most painful,  just an hour full of cramps. 

I was getting very anxious during the first hour.  getting another ultrasound, getting my iron levels checked and waiting in the small room where they had some crazy sad movie playing.  all the anxiety went away when i had my counselling session.  They want to make sure that it was my decision to have the abortion and no one else was pressuring me.  How could anyone pressure me when the "father"  or ***** donor as i like to call him never made an effort to contact me back.  The counselor was amazing.  so carring and understanding.  she was not rushing me out the door but made sure that i was comfortable and that all my questions were answered.  She proceded to give me some pain meds and some anti-nausea pills.  Then off to the money lady it was.  she was also amazing. sharing with me that she herself had been in my shoes once upon a time.  assured me that while i will never forget, i will certainly move on in my life and that i will go on to do great things.  it was at this point that i was given the medication that would open my cervix.  After taking these pills i would enter the point of no return.

After my hour wait i was called back to the room.  I remember getting undressed and hoping up on the table.  Then the nurses and doctors came in.  the one nurse started my vitals and the other started my IV.  the doctor then told me he was going to administer the sedative.  I remember him saying, "now this will burn" and me starting to just breathe through the burn.  the next thing i know I was being woken up in the recovery room by the nursing, fully dressed, and being told that I was free to go.  I mean i remember nothing!! nothing at all!  which is fine by me, i just want to know how the hell the got me dressed and down the hallway to the recovery room, as i was not on a mobile stretcher.  my friend, who i will love forever, was waiting for me and helped me to the car.  at this point i was blasted out of my mind.  we had to stop and get another rx that they had ran out of at the clinic.  I would like say "your welcome" to all the people i know had a good laugh at me.  as morbid as my day had been, i'm sure it was good to laugh. 

I"m enternally greatful to my two friends.  ladies even if you only have one friend you feel you can trust, TELL THEM!!  it is amazing how much better my recovery was.   It was odd though, i was sooo hungry after wards. i mean i know they say pregnant woemen get hungry but i had not experienced this.  my friend immediately started feeding me some cheese then made a tasty salad and had some lemon cookies for me to eat.  after that she had homemade enchiladas for me.  I immediately ate two whole ones.  :) the true power of a home cooked meal.  we ended the night with me dozing on and off thru gone with the wind.  me laughing at totally inapporpriate parts.  you know when scarlet is stuck by herself in the rain after rhette leaves her to go join the army.  ha ha ha thats what you get scarlet!!!  she is truly the most self centered women in the history books(ok the fictional history books).

physically the cramps have gone and the bleeding is at a minimum.  i'm finally starting to hit some of the emotional roller coaster.  i have been pretty sad all day.  i guess i am grieving now.  i know my choice was the right one to make.  i know that with time my wounds will heal.  i just hope that i will continue on the road of forgiving myself.  not only forgiving myself for having to make this choice, but forgiving myself for getting in to this position in the first place.    If anyone can share how the felt after the first 48 hours i would appreciate it.  I just want to know that i am not alone and that my emotions and hormones are not any different from any other woman who has had to make this same choice. 

even just writing this all down, i feel better all ready.  as always thank you for listening!
trying2bstrongatheart trying2bstrongatheart 26-30, F 4 Responses Aug 5, 2010

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I hope you both go to a Rachels Vineyard retreat for healing, it could really help you, and the pain will never end , you will just get use to it .

Thank you! I"m getting pretty emotional now a days. like all the reasons i had for going through the abortion have been wiped from my mind. I just keep telling myself that only time will heal this. time will let me look back and know that i made the right choice. i keep forgetting that hormones are crazy right now in my body and that i should give my self a break. take it easy on myself. I am so thankful that i have people like you who have truly walked in my shoes and truly know how i feel. The feeling that i am not alone, that i have nothing to be ashamed about will help the most in the end. I hope the logic side of me comes back. cause right now my emotional side really needs it to. Thank you!

Thank you so much. I wrote it for two reasons. 1- It was good for me to get it out and 2- to give others the strength to share theirs. Your kind words truly help enormously right now. Alone this would eat me alive. To be in company that truly understands this will only make me a stronger person. I'm truly thankful for everyone on this site willing to support each other.

I want to say to you..your very brave for writing this story. Abortion choices be it pro or anti can bring out the passion in many. The feelings you have experienced over the last few days are all completely in keeping with the trauma of it all. You are right..you are grieving ..for some women it never goes away. I want you to just be kind to yourself and know that you are in the company ..of many others who have also walked the same path. Take care strongatheart.