The One Thing I Can't Get Over...

It's been 13 months since I had an abortion. I think about it everyday. Maybe that's an exageration, but it feels like everyday.
I found out I was pregnant 3 months after I'd broken up with "the love of my life". I was 18, about to turn 19. We were still having sex and talking about getting back together, well I was. He'd talk about it to string me along, keep his options open. I'd been throwing up night & day for months and only able to eat waffles and ginger ale without vomiting immediately. Stress has always effected my stomach so I didn't put two and two together. I passed out at work and got brought to the doctor's by my mom. I peed in a cup and my doctor came in and told me and my mom that I was pregnant. I wanted to die. I just started crying and my mom left the room. She drove me home and told me I needed to research my options...and tell him. We went and had a blood test done on the way home and my mom worked hard to get me a rushed appointment at my gyno's office. I had to wait over a weekend til I could get into see an OB.
He reacted the way I knew he would. He gave me a long monologue about how we weren't mature enough, didn't have enough money, to have a baby. What about his job? What about my job? School? What would his family say? It went on and on. My mom was in agreement with him about me not keeping the baby, although she had MY best interest in mind.
I spent two days researching adoption. Went to my OB appointment, she went to do an internal ultrasound, I was too far along. She had to do an external.
She guessed I was between 13 & 18 weeks. My heart sank. I decided on open adoption, and scheduled an actual sonogram for the next day. They then told me I was about 16 weeks along. I told my gyno I was going with open adoption. I even had someone interested in adopting my baby. I scheduled my blood tests and the "first prenatal" visit, which the father was going to have to come to.
That night I had a dream...
I had my baby and refused to give him up. It's wierd but I've always felt like he is a boy. It was a horrible dream. It made me realize that I wouldn't be strong enough to hand him over.
I had no support in keeping him. I would not be able to handle an adoption. What else is there?
I scheduled my appointment on a Saturday. My grandmother and mother drove me the 3 1/2 hours to the center. I got there, spoke with a counselor, and got an ultrasound after filling out a novel of paperwork. I was farther along then the ultrasound tech said. I was going to have to have a two-day second trimester procedure. I had to drive home and wait another weekend.
Monday morning we drove back and I went back to the center to sign more paperwork, take painkillers, and have 4 laminerie inserted into my cervix. Lamineria are these things that look like small birthday candles, they're made out of seaweed and they each expand to about the size of your pinky finger. It wasn't pleasant. I got packed with cottonballs soaked in betadine to prevent infection and sent to a hotel room with my mother and grandmother to ride out the next miserable 24 hours.
I cried and slept a lot. I missed him. He wouldn't take the day off to come be with me, but I still missed him.
The next morning when I got back to the center I had to put these pills between my gums and cheek so help dilate me more. I waited for an hour for them to call my name and have the procedure done. They called, I put on a gown, met my nurse, the doctor. He asked to borrow my arm, he promised to give it back. I laughed and cried at the same time.
I woke up in a recovery room, crying and asking for my mom. I started shaking uncontrolably, a side-effect from the twilight sedation. I asked for him the whole time. I was finally allowed to go back to the hotel, my mom had to help me get dressed and I was bleeding more than I thought was even possible. I wanted to go home, I thank God that my mom listened to me about that.
He came and saw me, stayed with me for a day or two. On my birthday I went out for dinner with my family, and him, which was huge cuz I wasn't leaving the house much anymore except for work. We had sex. We talked all night about being together again. The next day I found out he has a girlfriend, has for a month. I started taking antidepressants, they help a little.
I'm with a new guy. He's wonderful and everything the other BOY wasn't. But I still feel like somethings missing, everyday. It's been over a year and I still cry. I still wonder what he would've looked like. How much different my life would be. Most of all I wonder if this hole will ever go away?
MeghanMay5683 MeghanMay5683
18-21, F
1 Response Aug 9, 2010

I feel the same way, even though it's still fresh. I am constantly wondering already, what if? Even though, I know I made the right decision, just like I know you made the right decision. It would have been ugly dealing with a baby's father like that and you little one deserves more than that. Yes, your family would most likely have helped, but still they would be disappointed. Still, you would be the one having to make all the sacrifices, because I get the feeling the father wouldnt have. Of course, sacrifices are worth it for your children, but there are other things to consider. Like, what happens when you are trying to get your life together? Balancing school, work and being a single parent. Are you willing to know everyday that your child might barely ever see you because your trying to get yourself together? Or on the other hand do you stay home with your child just to be there, but still suffering because of the lack of money to do everything you want for your child. Everything you feel they deserve? So many things to consider. I know cause I've been there and that's why I knew I just couldnt go there again.