Why Don't I Feel Bad About My Decision?

When i was about 17 i wanted a child sooo bad because i always felt like i was not loved by my parents. I just wanted someone to be happy to see me when i get home or cry fo me. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel loved. I had this guy friend who I just fooled aound with. He is in school and so am I. Both 19 years old going on 20. We were intimate only once and I never spoke to him again for a long time. I missed my period but i never thought twice about that because that happens. My breasts were swollen and I would raid the fridge like a pig. I knew something was wong so I decided to take a test. I was hesitating to go to the store all day. Out of the blue he called me and I was shocked and i thought this must be some kinda sign. I went to the pharmacy and bought two tests. The first one said PREGNANT and i just jumped off the toilet and googled Planned Parenthood wihout even thinking about anything. I set up an appointment for the Monday. I told myself that I wsn't going to tell anyone, not even him, but i couldn't I needed to tell someone. He acted like the typical guy questioning if it was his. But i understood where he was comming fom. But i knew it was 100% his. We met and spoke about everything. He was such a dumbass. he wanted to have sex because nothing else can go wrong. I knew i didnt want to share 18+ years with this idiot. I went to my appointment and i never shed a tear nor did i feel like i was doing something immoral. It was my father's bithday and i just coulnt even think about ending a life on the day that my father was born. I was in so much pain but i knew i deseved it. I did the pills because i couldnt tear my baby apart, even though it was about 7 weeks old. Six months later now i am devastated because i pass women and my high school friends with their babies and i get quiet and blank. I can only think about what could have been. I know that my family lost a life even though they didnt know anything. I am just mad at myself because i don't feel bad and i will always beat myself up for that. I dont know how to cope because i have no one to talk to...
trishee trishee
Nov 10, 2010