Honestly, I know all of this will sound pathetic....Even when I sit, and look at it from an outsiders perspecitve, I think it does.  I was in a relationship for a little over two months.  Keep in mind, I have been single for almost 9 years, waiting for the right woman.  I finally met her, and she was by no other expression, than amazing.  Everything was shared, we were both honest, expressing things to one another that typically wouldn't be shared in years.
We both fell in love, and I have been in love before, but nothing of this measure.  I was amazed.  We shared everything.  Small or large, it was something we went through together, and loved each other more for sharing it.  Then her ex came back into the picture.  They had a child together, so I knew I would take second place in this competition.  Eventually she left me, to try to make things better for her family.  I didn't blame her, as I have always thought, that a child should be with their mother and father if at all possible.  We had our final thoughts and expressions to one another last night...our final goodbyes.  I was prepared mentally for this, to lose the woman I loved for the betterment of her family, and that would have been worth the loss to me.  To know her life would be more fulliflled.  For this, I truly was prepared.  Then, something unexpected came into my life, something, as a thinker, as a person who tries to plot out every possible situation, is prepared for.  First she said, she had cheated on me with him, one week prior to our break-up, and that killed me inside, to know the person I trusted so much betrayed me.  However, it was what followed, that ruined me.  She told me that she was pregnant, with our child, and that she had and abortion the week prior.  I cannot express the feelings that ran through me at that point.  Anger, resentment, dissappointment, sadness, humility...every emotion a person could have, was running through me all at one time....I was a father....and then....I was not.  With no choice, no say in the opinion.  It was taken from me.  Now flashes of what would have been my family flash before me, haunting me.  I was not prepared for this. 
I told her, after being as angry as I have ever been...and I have been angry....that I still loved her, and would always be here for her.  Then we said goodbye, forever.  Now I am left with the memories of a family that never had the chance to exist, a love that never happened, and a life, that although, I was not prepared for, I would be forever saddened that I could not experience.  I am now lost.  My emotions have overflowed into something a place i cannot describe, and I dont know where it is taking me. 
Its a thought that has occasionally entered my mind, but not one I have taken seriously.  I am 31, with no kids, thinking I would never have any...and yet here I am , the father of a child less than a few weeks old, that I never had the chance to know, that is now dead.  How do I continue?
Mr1Stone Mr1Stone
Feb 15, 2011