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Ive Never Spoken About This Untill Now...please Someone Listen

im 19 and ive had 2 abortions and 2 miscarriages. 2 abortions and 1 miscarriage with the love of my life, my boyfriend of 2 years. were extremely happy and love each other to pieces, we've talked of marriage and hopefully we'll spend the rest of our lives together. sounds perfect right? makes me sound like a horrible person for having 2 abortions.

understand this, i want to be a mother more than anything in the world. it is my only life goal. so why did i do it? you could ask me this a million times and the answer would always be the same, i really have no idea.

the first time it occured was just before my 19th birthday, i was over joyed and, being the loving relationship im in, assumed my boyfriend would be as well. how wrong was i. the first thing he sed when i told him was " what do u wanna do" and it never occured to me id have to make a choice, and that this choice would be the hardest thing id ever have to do, and would haunt me forever.

i never chose to do any of this, i was cornered, almost blackmailed into doing so. i have so much general hate for the world constantly, since both procedures, and hate for myself. i had the choice of having a baby that i so desperately wanted ( i no im young) and raising it as a single parent. my boyfriend said to me that if i kept our child, he would leave me. i had a poor paying job at the time, i cannot drive due to the poor pay and i live at home due to the same reason. what life could i have given that child? i no its not a valid excuse, but sometimes makes me feel i did the right thing.

1 thing u should no about my bf is, hes addicted to dating sites. not even the nice ones like for a proper relationship, its the dirty ones, like fuckbook.com etc. my self esteem, if it even exists, is extremey low. i cnt think about him with other girls without feeling sick, i hate any other girls tking to him and going near him. i dont trust him at all. ive caught him so many times, the way he tlks to other girls including his brothers friends makes me sick, i feel i constantly have to watch him. but i could never leave him, i give him everything, and im onli realising now, that he would never do the same for me. breaks my heart, but i ignore it. the pain is nothing compared to being forced to abort children.

my first was done at 9 weeks, and i still have nightmares to this day. the worst thing is my boyfriend wont tlk to me about it, jus assumes i coping. i can see why, i put on a strong front, i hate people giving me sympathy, asi f i deserve their sympathy!!

my second was at 20 weeks, and the worst decision of my life. at 20 weeks i could have seen what sex my baby was, 4 more weeks it would have lived. the thought constantly in my head is " was he breathing when they took him from me, where did they put him" in case u hadnt noticed, i always refer to them as " my" baby, my bf was never interested, he couldnt care less, deep down i hate him more than i love him. hence why im on here, he doesnt tlk to me, he doesnt listen.

my close friend fell pregnant before me, she kept her baby. she was due on the 2nd or march. i deleted her from fb cos her life made me sick, how perfect it was with her perfect house, her perfect husband and her perfect baby. shes 2 years older than me. i couldnt handle it, i feel uncomfortable around babies, i no people watch me and i hate it. i hate walkin past bay clothes, anything baby related i feel i cant ook at, or tlk about, i hate people tlkin about babies. my ex that i misscarried with is having a baby. i shouldnt be selfish, i should be happy for these people, but i cant. the one thing i want, and have been given many oppurtuinites and i cant have it.

my friend whos baby was due on the 2nd march ( my 2 yr anniversary) text me the other day sayin " now whos got the perfect life" ..... her baby died. she gave birth to her daughter, for her to take one breath and give up. she was called lyla-ann rose metson.


everyday i think of my baby, he was due in july, a summer baby, very close to my sisters birthday. i still tlk to him, i tell him mummys sorry, and me and daddy loved him, daddy wasnt ready to meet him yet, and that i love him very much. i dont know if this helps me or makes me worse, for now it feels like its helping. in the long run it probably wont, i can almost feel my sanity slipping away.


thankyou for listening, know-one else seems to xxxxxx
vikki19 vikki19 18-21, F 7 Responses Mar 2, 2011

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ive been there and i feel the saaaaame way. sometimes i just wanna die, not gonna lie. i hate the whole world sometimes so much. my now x- "friend" wound up pregnant on my birthday 2 months after i had my abortion. shes the first one i told when i first found out and the one who "highly reccomended" me to have an abortion, telling me so much bs, like you cant raise this child, because of... (she had so many reasons) (and i was unfortunatly the dumbass that listened)shes keeping hers, and i got to read about all her excited posts on fb from her, her mom, and her sisters, untill i just couldnt take it anymore and deleted them all, from my fb, my phone, and my whole life! it makes me sick! it sucks because they have been good friends all my life that ive looked up to and respected and would always turn to for anything!! i think about what my baby would have been like, a boy, girl, what kind of person they would of turned out to be. but im the one that never gave them a chance and the one person in this whole world that wants to know the most. i blame myself and think about that all the past events everyday of my life. it hurts when i see a bran new baby or if im asked to babysit the1yr old girl that lives down the hall from me. i cant babysit her anymore (before i found out i used to babysit her on occasion) because it hurts to much thinking about my own child that i didnt even give a chance. i cant really talk to anyone because nobody wants to hear i guess im getting my mind thats about to explode out here. some days i hate the world so much. i feel like God hates me. Sometimes i just wanna get pregnant again but i know that wont fix anything, because all i really want is MY baby back. i want to undo the past more than anything in this world but cant and its the worst feeling ever!!! i wish i had positive people that would of just took me by the hand and said something like dont give up you can do this. but in the end its nobodys fault but mine and now i get to live with it till the end..

ive been there and i feel the saaaaame way. sometimes i just wanna die, not gonna lie. i hate the whole world sometimes so much. my now x- "friend" wound up pregnant on my birthday 2 months after i had my abortion. shes the first one i told when i first found out and the one who "highly reccomended" me to have an abortion, telling me so much bs, like you cant raise this child, because of... (she had so many reasons) (and i was unfortunatly the dumbass that listened)shes keeping hers, and i got to read about all her excited posts on fb from her, her mom, and her sisters, untill i just couldnt take it anymore and deleted them all, from my fb, my phone, and my whole life! it makes me sick! it sucks because they have been good friends all my life that ive looked up to and respected and would always turn to for anything!! i think about what my baby would have been like, a boy, girl, what kind of person they would of turned out to be. but im the one that never gave them a chance and the one person in this whole world that wants to know the most. i blame myself and think about that all the past events everyday of my life. it hurts when i see a bran new baby or if im asked to babysit the1yr old girl that lives down the hall from me. i cant babysit her anymore (before i found out i used to babysit her on occasion) because it hurts to much thinking about my own child that i didnt even give a chance. i cant really talk to anyone because nobody wants to hear i guess im getting my mind thats about to explode out here. some days i hate the world so much. i feel like God hates me. Sometimes i just wanna get pregnant again but i know that wont fix anything, because all i really want is MY baby back. i want to undo the past more than anything in this world but cant and its the worst feeling ever!!! i wish i had positive people that would of just took me by the hand and said something like dont give up you can do this. but in the end its nobodys fault but mine and now i get to live with it till the end..

Let me just say that God does not hate you. I had an abortion at a time when I had no faith. I now have a strong faith, and as a Christian feel like I should regret my decision to have my abortion. But I would not be the person I am today without that experience. I've battled with a lot in the last 2 years since my abortion, but one thing that I've realized is that God loves me. God forgives and His grace is so great that it covers you. It gets better, and I know that's really hard to realize or even think about, but this is just a piece of your story. It will be okay.

Vikki, I'm glad you logged back on to see your comments. Remember there is healing and support here on EP. . Here is an excellent website to help you process and COMPLETE all 7 Stages of Grief, so you don't get stuck on anger, guilt, confusion, and pain.<br />
<br />
Recover-from-grief. com/7-stages-of-grief. html

I honestly felt like I had no right to feel this way, and that I was over reacting about it. Since reading your comments I realise I am normal, and in not over reacting. I Thank u all so much, im going to seek help to cope with this, seeing as my boyfriend has let me down in another promise. Thank you again xxx

i understand you fully on how the abortion feels and how ppl around you with kids makes u hurt. i am going through that myself everyday now. <br />
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i think you have to find away to get away from your bf he is not good for you at all you need someone to really be there for you because this is a bad time in yourlife ba<x>sed on how you feel and having no one to talk to makes it worse.<br />
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i hope in time you get better and have the baby you dream of. i read a post from another girl like us and she said she thinks it as our babys are infants waiting in heavon with our past family and with the lord waiting to say hi mommy i am happy to see you, just keep thinking positive girl i know i am trying to do that to and its hard but i think if we all stick together we can get thourgh this

Hey little girl, you sound so brocken inside. Let me tell you something, there is someone who owns the universe. He created you and me, the world and everything that lives in it. Please don't condem yourself to much. The man that you are with, he is the looser, from what you are saying, you never even thought about commiting abortion, it was his selfish idea. I have been through what you are going through, a boyfriend of mine blackmailed me to abort a child he claimed he was not ready for. To try and save the relationship I did and with time we broke up, so I always know that that abortion was not worth it. Do me a favour, just walk out on your man, pray for the courage too, see all the bad things that he is doing to you and make a decision to leave him, you deserve better and as soon as you tell yourself that you will get that. God is a forgiving God, he knows your heart and that your intensions were never to abort, so just forgive yourself, pull yourself together, you are so young, you can still have the life that you have ever dreamed off. Leave that dude he is not worth it.

You have so many issues going on here, Sweetheart, no wonder you're confused and a mess. But I want you to know that IT CAN GET BETTE. But, you have to seek help. If I can help you in anyway, please, please message me, I will be more than happy to help you if I can. <br />
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Your Unresolved Main Issues:<br />
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Abortions - you didn't want to abort<br />
Miscarriages<br />
Boyfriend abuse<br />
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Go to Alanon. It's free. It's a 12-Step Meeting for persons who are in a relationship with one who has addictions. Your boyfriend is addicted to hard **** and YOU DON'T NEED THIS PROBLEM. You need to go to as many meetings as you can for the first 90 days. If you can do 90 meetings in 90 days, you're doing yourself a huge favor. If not, get to at least 4 meetings a week.<br />
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Please get yourself some counseling too if you can afford it. Many churches do offer free counseling by the way, so check out "large" churces in your area. You need support to break out of all this violence! You can do it and you deserve a happy, healthy, stable life with love all for YOU. You deserve this!<br />
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Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," Says the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."