Ive Never Spoken About This Untill Now...please Someone Listenim 19 and ive had 2 abortions and 2 miscarriages. 2 abortions and 1 miscarriage with the love of my life, my boyfriend of 2 years. were extremely happy and love each other to pieces, we've talked of marriage and hopefully we'll spend the rest of our lives together. sounds perfect right? makes me sound like a horrible person for having 2 abortions.
understand this, i want to be a mother more than anything in the world. it is my only life goal. so why did i do it? you could ask me this a million times and the answer would always be the same, i really have no idea.
the first time it occured was just before my 19th birthday, i was over joyed and, being the loving relationship im in, assumed my boyfriend would be as well. how wrong was i. the first thing he sed when i told him was " what do u wanna do" and it never occured to me id have to make a choice, and that this choice would be the hardest thing id ever have to do, and would haunt me forever.
i never chose to do any of this, i was cornered, almost blackmailed into doing so. i have so much general hate for the world constantly, since both procedures, and hate for myself. i had the choice of having a baby that i so desperately wanted ( i no im young) and raising it as a single parent. my boyfriend said to me that if i kept our child, he would leave me. i had a poor paying job at the time, i cannot drive due to the poor pay and i live at home due to the same reason. what life could i have given that child? i no its not a valid excuse, but sometimes makes me feel i did the right thing.
1 thing u should no about my bf is, hes addicted to dating sites. not even the nice ones like for a proper relationship, its the dirty ones, like fuckbook.com etc. my self esteem, if it even exists, is extremey low. i cnt think about him with other girls without feeling sick, i hate any other girls tking to him and going near him. i dont trust him at all. ive caught him so many times, the way he tlks to other girls including his brothers friends makes me sick, i feel i constantly have to watch him. but i could never leave him, i give him everything, and im onli realising now, that he would never do the same for me. breaks my heart, but i ignore it. the pain is nothing compared to being forced to abort children.
my first was done at 9 weeks, and i still have nightmares to this day. the worst thing is my boyfriend wont tlk to me about it, jus assumes i coping. i can see why, i put on a strong front, i hate people giving me sympathy, asi f i deserve their sympathy!!
my second was at 20 weeks, and the worst decision of my life. at 20 weeks i could have seen what sex my baby was, 4 more weeks it would have lived. the thought constantly in my head is " was he breathing when they took him from me, where did they put him" in case u hadnt noticed, i always refer to them as " my" baby, my bf was never interested, he couldnt care less, deep down i hate him more than i love him. hence why im on here, he doesnt tlk to me, he doesnt listen.
my close friend fell pregnant before me, she kept her baby. she was due on the 2nd or march. i deleted her from fb cos her life made me sick, how perfect it was with her perfect house, her perfect husband and her perfect baby. shes 2 years older than me. i couldnt handle it, i feel uncomfortable around babies, i no people watch me and i hate it. i hate walkin past bay clothes, anything baby related i feel i cant ook at, or tlk about, i hate people tlkin about babies. my ex that i misscarried with is having a baby. i shouldnt be selfish, i should be happy for these people, but i cant. the one thing i want, and have been given many oppurtuinites and i cant have it.
my friend whos baby was due on the 2nd march ( my 2 yr anniversary) text me the other day sayin " now whos got the perfect life" ..... her baby died. she gave birth to her daughter, for her to take one breath and give up. she was called lyla-ann rose metson.
everyday i think of my baby, he was due in july, a summer baby, very close to my sisters birthday. i still tlk to him, i tell him mummys sorry, and me and daddy loved him, daddy wasnt ready to meet him yet, and that i love him very much. i dont know if this helps me or makes me worse, for now it feels like its helping. in the long run it probably wont, i can almost feel my sanity slipping away.
thankyou for listening, know-one else seems to xxxxxx