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Married+affair+baby=tough Decision

I am 6 weeks pregnant and I go in to have an abortion in a few days. Do I want to have it done, no! I am scared to death to get it done. I feel that we should have realized the consequences and now we got to do what's best and bring this baby into the world. Considering my circumstances I feel I have no other choice but too. I am married and had an affair. I know, horrible. Well, it gets even worse. This affair was with my husband's boss. We both know this could really affect his career (in a huge way) and knowing I should be looking out for the best interest of myself, I am not. I'm looking out for his career and doing what he think's is best. He is at a time in his life right now that he doesn't want to raise another child but part of me think's if his career wasn't on the line this procedure wouldn't be happening. He is going to be there for me but I am scared once I get there and I freak out and dont go through with it. I know affairs are wrong so please spare me with the lecture. I need advice more than anything right now. I feel that I am making the biggest mistake of my life. I had no intentions on having anymore kids and then this happened....
hardchoice hardchoice 26-30, F 22 Responses Apr 26, 2011

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No one here seems to have any idea of the devastation an affair and pregnancy can cause the person who is being cheated on. My husband of nearly 20 years cheated on me last year with our daughter's teacher, someone who had a professional and supposedly trusting relationship with me and our family. They became pregnant after two weeks time---didn't use protection against pregnancy or STD's. I didn't find out about any of it until after the abortion and I've been demolished and in grief for over a year now. An abortion is a very sad thing, I know it is. But if she had kept the baby there would be no way we would be working on our marriage now. The saddest thing for me is that we suffered infertility for 5 years and I finally agreed to a donor egg procedure--to basically have another woman's child. We have a lovely 14 year old daughter who doesn't know about any of this. In the meantime I cry every day, have been having PTSD, and feel the loss of my husband's fidelity 24 hours a day. We've been in weekly therapy which has helped some, but I don't know if I can ever get over it. He is very sorry and says he is just shocked that he did it--one day they were chatting online and the next the were in it--full of dopamine and feeling high. With no common sense. It feels like total desecration to me. That's the other side. Thanks for listening.

I had an affair after being married for 17 years and we had 6 children together. I got pregnant from the affair. My husband gave me undeserved forgiveness and redeeming love. We had the baby and she has been the most beautiful child in the world. She is one now, and my husband sees her no different than any of the other children. He totally loves her! We are so blessed to have her and we have completely healed after being humbled. Your greatest fear in your mind, isn't necessarily going to be truth or reality. She isn't scary at all. The fear in your crisis is not made right with an abortion. Crisis situations are there to allow us to humble ourselves, repent and move towards healing.

Dont tell him and have the abortion. If he already knows ask if there is any way you can have an abortion, he a different job, you never look at another man again and patch things up. If the answer to any of those is no or you wont have an abortion file for divorce now.
Know any good husband deserves better and maybe that is reason to file for divorce.

dont do it! follow your heart. F@#$ what everyone else says.. get it together and have the baby!

I was in the same situation, and it was the hardest thing i had to do. Till this day I still battle the circumstances that led me to resort to that, and it was the hardest thing i too had to do; for i did not want to do it either. Though i went through with it, i can 100% relate to your grief, heartache, and sorrow. Just know the decision you made was the right one and to think about the future. Stay encouraged...

Just have the abortion. A baby is a lifetime and according to your situation, what are the odds that this kid is going to have both parents if the husband finds out?

I'm married and pregnant but I had affair on my husband this my first baby and I want to have abortion cause im scared its not his baby I never got pregnant by my husband soon as I cheat I get pregnant what should I do.

Next time, have an affair with me. I'm very handsome, 6'2, 200lbs. I'm in ridiculously great shape with a very thick member. Best of all, I'm smart enough NOT to have unprotected sex. In my case, I have a vasectomy and an I.Q. of 146 <br />
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We can do it 3 times a night with no consequences!!

~MACNRBYN~ Having this abortion was a very hard decision for me. I am not the type to take the easy way out but I thought of my family. My husband would of been crushed. Not just because I had an affair but I had an affair and ended up pregnant with a guy he is suppose to look up too and get advice from. Then of course our kids. How would I explain to my kids that they were going to have a little baby sister or brother but it wouldn't have the same daddy. I guess in the thrill and excitement of having an affair you really don't think of the consequences that it could lead too. One thing I would ask yourself before considering termination is how happy are you in your marriage? I don't know if your kids are young, but how are you going to explain this to them when this child is born? Will the baby daddy stick by your side with the decision you make? I am not trying to judge you as a parent because we are both on the same boat... but my advice to you is make sure that you are ready for the ride if you decide to continue on with this pregnancy. If your hubby leaves you because of it and tries for custody of your other four and then if the baby daddy doesn't stick by his word by wanting to be with you.That just leaves you and your new baby. I am not trying to be cold hearted just being blunt. It's really emotionally draining! Hang in there girl

I have learned that affairs are very hard and emotionally draining. Him and I were never high school sweet hearts or anything for that matter. Long story short, we met when my husband introduced us. Of course I thought he was a very attractive guy and I don't know if this will make sense but you know when two people look at each other and get that feeling of what each other wants. Well we had that "feeling." We then hooked up a few times and then BAM I got pregnant. <br />
I don't know why I want to continue this with him. I should be ashamed to even consider it since we did end of pregnant. The fact that my husband works very closely with him should be another scare for me but its not. By all means I do not love this guy. I just feel that him and I have this secret that only we know about that we need to continue seeing each other every once in awhile. I can't just stop talking to him. I think of it as I had part of him growing inside of me and we took the easy way out. Now we both have to live with it everyday. Which, is hard. I always think of how far along I would be, what I would be feeling right now, how big the baby is. I don't know if you have had any dreams but I think it would have been a girl. I know, that's probably weird for me to think that deep. I guess the reason of me posting on this site to to try and connect with someone that has a similar situation. I don't know if me still wanting to continue this is a normal feeling. I wish he would just come out and tell me that he cannot continue this. That if needed we can still talk but keep it clean. No dirty talk, no mixed signals, anything like that but he hasn't. Which that makes it even harder. Ugh.... I am sorry. I am just talking in circles now.

I am in your situation.. Married mother of four and having an affair with my husband's boss. My husband had a vasectomy 7 years so the baby is my lovers. I told him this evening that I was pregnant... He was quiet and held me... Then he said if the situation was different or a different time things would be different. I feel he thinks termination is best because of our situation ... But I told him I don't agree with them.., he said neither do I but... I'm struggling with this. I realize this will affect my children, husband and his daughter.., but what about this baby...? I think I want this baby with him... Also what happens if I terminate and he walks away. I love him..,

I'm glad I can offer you some kind of support "hardchoice". Maybe we can help one another? I don't have anyone to talk to about this except my lover. I think about the abortion every day, and I know he does too. I have to remind myself it was the best decision at the time. My affair is still going strong. It will be a year next month. My situation is a difficult one. This is my high school sweetheart - my first love. We were together for over 3 years....lived together at one point, engaged to be married and thought about having kids together. Long story short, we were young, and I thought I wanted to spread my wings and "see other people". Over the last 23 years we have kept in contact, but it wasn't until last year that we re-connected on Facebook. We met for lunch, etc. Now we've fallen in love with each other all over again. Problem is, I still love my husband. He is a good man, and would be crushed if he knew what was going on. Since my lover is single, I feel he is waiting for me to end my marriage. He doesn't want my kids to get hurt, so he says he'll wait. Problem is, I don't think a divorce will ever happen, and I may be leading him on. Sometimes I think I should end this affair, but I can't stop. It's hard isn't it? Well, that's my story. Thanks for listening - I would love to hear more about your situation too, so keep posting, ok? Take Care, littledreamer

Thank you "littledreamer1986." It was a very hard decision but we both agreed it was in the best interest for the both of us. I think about it non-stop. I always will. I wonder if he thinks about it. I would think he does but he is the type of guy that show's little emotion. Like your situation, he is also single. I am the married one. Can I ask you a question, do you and your affair still talk? Do you want to continue the affair? One thing I am having a hard time with is letting go. I guess I am thinking that since him and I are the only one's that know about this, we should continue to hook up, talk and so forth. Sometimes I feel that I have gone crazy. So much running through my mind and obviously nobody to vent to that would understand. :-/

I have been having an affair for almost a year with my ex-boyfriend. Unfortunately, I ended up pregnant…didn’t think it would happen so easily as I am 42. My husband had a vasectomy 8 years ago – it would be quite obvious that I wasn’t carrying his child. So, I made one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. We decided it was best to terminate the pregnancy a few weeks ago. (I was 7 weeks along). I still struggle with it every day, but remind myself that it would be very difficult to bring a child into this situation. I know deep down my affair partner wanted me to keep it (he is single) but I know I did what was right at the time. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

I've never had an abortion and I pray to God that I never end up with an unwanted pregnancy. So Lord knows I can't judge. Because a sin is a sin is a sin. We are all sinners. The reason He sent His son for us. Everyone story I have heard is of regret. I will pray that God helps you to make the best decision. Perhaps you can speak with your husband about it honestly first. Who knows? He might be upset, but receptive to keeping this child alive. Men are also affected by abortion and he may be moved to see this situation in a way that isn't as terrible as you expect. I mean, I don't expect him to be jumping for joy, but he might prove supportive, especially if you have an honest talk about what led you to an affair in the first place. May God help you and keep you. Stay strong!

I have had two abortions and regret them. In my experience, the reason you have the abortion, the thing you are avoiding, comes anyway. Abortion makes false promises. I got mine to keep a relationship together, guess what, it ended anyway. You are going to get one to preserve your husband's career, I guarantee you his career will be affected by this affair with his boss anyway, then you just are left crying, "why?' And feeling like you have been tricked. And robbed of everything. Remember the baby is innocent. Maybe you are having this baby for a reason, maybe to strengthen or end a your marriage. Maybe to grow somehow. The problems are there anyway (or else why were you having the affair) and the abortion doesn't solve anything.

I have had two abortions and regret them. In my experience, the reason you have the abortion, the thing you are avoiding, comes anyway. Abortion makes false promises. I got mine to keep a relationship together, guess what, it ended anyway. You are going to get one to preserve your husband's career, I guarantee you his career will be affected by this affair with his boss anyway, then you just are left crying, "why?' And feeling like you have been tricked. And robbed of everything. Remember the baby is innocent. Maybe you are having this baby for a reason, maybe to strengthen or end a your marriage. Maybe to grow somehow. The problems will come anyway (or else why were you having the affair) and the abortion doesn't solve anything.

I have had two abortions and regret them. In my experience, the reason you have the abortion, the thing you are avoiding, comes anyway. Abortion makes false promises. I got mine to keep a relationship together, guess what, it ended anyway. You are going to get one to preserve your husband's career, I guarantee you his career will be affected by this affair with his boss anyway, then you just are left crying, "why?' And feeling like you have been tricked. And robbed of everything. Remember the baby is innocent. Maybe you are having this baby for a reason, maybe to strengthen or end a your marriage. Maybe to grow somehow. The problems will come anyway (or else why were you having the affair) and the abortion doesn't solve anything.

There are a million reasons why people choose to abort their babies. None of us can judge yours. However, as a wife and a mother I really hope that you are doing what you are doing for the right reasons and I really hope that you understand that if things do not work out with your husband what will you think of yourself? I found myself in the should I get an abortion shoes a long time ago and there is not a day that goes by that I don't thank God that I chose to let my daughter live. I hope you make the right choice for the right reasons. Good Luck.

About 15 years ago, I found myself in the same situation. I pushed hard for the abortion. It definitely was not her first choice. Ultimately she had the abortion and immediately following regretted it. Ten years later we reconnected and she thanked me repeatedly. In the mean time she had had a baby with another man in the same situation and since then her life has been endless legal battles. This year we even dated a few times.<br />
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Bottom line, if you want a baby, keep it. If not, its not a horrible choice to postpone.

I comppletely know what you are going through. My best friend has had 2 abortions so far, and she is 19 years old. She still regrets it to this day. Babies can feel pain, and I'm not trying to speak for you because clearly I don't know you, but sit down and think about it for a while. There are many risks for yourself with getting an abortion. I just recently read a story on an 18 year old girl dying from the medication they gave her for her abortion. Think about it, just please think about it.

Not trying to protest Pro-Choice but would it be fair to have an abortion just because you cheated on your husband? Would that be fair to a baby who has a life of it's own to live? I just feel like you will regret your decision for the rest of your life. And that is no bueno. You will do what you want to do, but consider the idea. There must be a reason why you cheated, and your the only one who can learn from your mistakes. Don't let it be the baby's fault.