Surgical And MedicalI had two abortions in the past year. The first one was in July of last summer. I was on birth contol but missed some pills. I had even taken a Plan B just to be safe but I still got pregnant. The decision was hard, I went back and forth a lot, cried a lot. Thank god I had a supportive boyfriend. We ultimately decided ending the pregnancy was the best decision because I'm still in school, waiting tables, and he lost his job at an autobody shop. I opted for the surgery because I had to go back to work the next day, and the pill just scared me with the bleeding and pain. It was quick, I didn't feel anything and was home within about 3 hours.
The second time was much, much harder. I was histerical when I found out I was pregnant again. What are the chances that I'd get pregnant twice in one year? I was on the Nuva Ring this time, so I wouldn't forget to take a pill. My due date would have been in october, right in the middle of my toughest semester of nursing school. My boyfriend and I are still stuck in our crappy jobs with no money. I wanted to keep the baby, and he wanted to keep it too, but I knew it was the right choice for us. We had to drive 2 hours out of the way to a clinic that accepted my insurance since we couldn't afford another one.
I cried the whole time I was in the waiting room. I cried when they did the ultrasound. My heart broke when I saw ultrasound. I opted for surgical again because the first time was such a breeze. Not this time. They couldn't hit a vein to sedate me, so they had to inject the sedatives into my arm. I barely felt sedated. When they started to dialate my cervix it was the worst pain I'd ever felt in my entire life. I had to stop them, I couldn't take the pain.
They offered me the abortion pill instead. I couldn't stop crying in the waiting room. As if I didn't feel guilty enough already, all these series of events made me feel even worse. Like I was making the wrong choice. On the drive home, the horrific cramps hit me. I was taking a percocet every hour for the pain. It was unbearable.
I still feel guilty just thinking about it. I push it out of my mind. It still breaks my heart when I see those ultrasound pictures in my file at the doctor's office. The guilt isn't as bad now but it still hits me when I see babies, or walk by the baby isles in stores. I know I could never afford a baby right now. I just wish the guilt would go away completely.
colormeblind 22-25, F 3 Responses 0 Aug 21, 2011