Going To Have A 2nd Abortion And Feel Awful

I am an emotional wreck and I don't know where to start. First off, I am 33 and I already have 2 wonderful daughters in elementary school, and while the idea of having another baby does not scare me, the fact that I cannot financially afford it does. About 2 years ago I met a wonderful man whom I adore with all of my heart. He is wonderful to my children and treats them as if they were his own..he also has 2 children, one he sees and the other, the mother took off long ago and he knows nothing of her location, which is very hard on him. Anyhow, a little over a year ago, I had my first abortion. When I was much younger I believed that abortion is a woman's right but that it wasn't something that I would ever do. Then I got pregnant last year and I was devestated, I knew I was in no position to bring a child into this world and the wonderful man and I had only been together less than a year, we weren't living together, and that kind of stress just wouldn't be good to bring a baby into. My job wasn't stable and there was just no way I could afford another child. It wasn't practical and so even though it pained me greatly I knew the decision was the correct one. After the abortion I immediately got on birth control and things were fine. Last year was one bad year for me. I quit my job that I had been at for 3 years to take on a better position only to be let go one week later. I lost my apartment at the time and moved back in with my parents, only after borrowing money from them to try and make things work until I got another job. I ended up getting another job in June and was back on my feet by August, moved to a new city and started a great job, even got the kids into a fantastic school. My perscription to my birth control ran out and in the middle of switching jobs I never got it refilled. We had been using condoms, but its not fool proof. In October and then again in December I was in minor car accidents and I again had to borrow money from my parent to make ends meet. December just seemed to take the cake, my transmission in the car went out before xmas and I had to borrow even more money from my parents to get it fixed as it is my only vehicle. Anyways, borrowing all of this money last year and knowing that if it wasn't for my parents support I wouldn't be where I am today made me feel pretty yucky. At 33 I should be able to take care of myself. I vowed that 2012 was going to be better, I would try to get my panic disorder more under control, and I decided that I was going to start seeing a therapist, to see if I can get this constant worry under control. I also want to get financially stable, become more frugal and just try to make my ends meet better. I had been feeling sick all thru xmas and figured it was just due to stress and anxiety, but then when I realized Monday that I was almost 10 days last I immediately started to panic. I went and got a test, and of course it was positive and I am pregnant. Me and my wonderful and discussed children and the possibility of having one of our own someday when the time is right, unfortunately timing is horrible. We are not financially stable at this time, and in June his 12 yr old daughter will be coming to live with us as well. Adding a baby to the mix just seems impossible.

This is where I am frustrated, I know that I am making the right decision of having an abortion, because its not ok to bring a child into this world that cannot be taken care of financially, between my children and their medical and dental issues and now his daughter coming to live with us, there is no way we could take on a baby. My problem is that I feel guilty as sin. How could I possibly be so irresponsible as a person and allow this to happen a second time? How is it that I can make a decision to have an abortion and not feel like it's the wrong thing? I mean I am taking a life somehow aren't I? I am just so worried about how bad this makes me feel as a person and I guess that is just something I am going to have to deal with..When I told my wonderful guy, he started to cry, he was upset, the timing isn't right and we barely make it paycheck to paycheck as it is and we will have another child living with us soon enough as well. Oh, and did I mention we are a one income family? I am the sole provider. My wonderful man has epilepsy and while he hasn't had seizures in a few years, he is not medically cleared to work, which I don't mind as I love having a stay-at-home father. The kids enjoy it and thrive from it, but it does make things tough financially, and I also do not get any child support from my ex either because he doesn't make enough to provide the girls with anything. There are so many negatives with having a baby that I know in my heart it's the right thing to do, but why do I feel so bad? Does it make me a horrible person knowing that I have to do this because I can't give another child a life? I just don't want to bring a baby into this world knowing that it would be a struggle to take care of it thus making everyone else suffer as well. That isn't fair and I don't want to hurt anyone else. I just want to try to take care of what I have and do so successfully. I am blessed with two beautiful girls and that is all I need. I am just going to try to take this as another lesson learned, communication is key. I am going to focus on the kids I have and give them my best. I would love to hear if anyone else can relate because right now I have never felt so alone.
jenberger jenberger
31-35, F
3 Responses Jan 5, 2012

I honestly think you should consider adoption. I know the last person who posted blasted the idea, but it may be the best option. I know it may be hard to send your child to a loving home away from you, but it would be far better your child than killing him or her. Adoption is a wonderful thing, and will give your child a chance that you may not be able to offer him or her right now. It will now scar your children, having an abortion would actually be more likely to scar your other children.<br />
Also, you can try going to a crisis pregnancy center for help. They offer lots of free resources for women in you type of positions. If you wish to talk to me, you can email me at mpuskar@umich.edu. I hope this situation works out well for you and your child. Good luck!

I can so relate. I'm 34 and basically in the same boat. Had an abortion 4 years ago and that was hard and when I found I was pregnant the day after Christmas, I knew I would have to have another one. My youngest is 10 and we live in a small house and can't afford another baby. I hate myself for not being more responsible. <br />
<br />
The person suggesting adoption. Seriously??? I would NEVER spend 9 months being pregnant and explain that all to my kids I already have to give up the baby. I think that would scar them!

Please rethink about adoption. I admire you for knowing you cannot properly take care of a baby, but adoption is another option.<br />
<br />
Best wishes in whatever you decide to do.