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I am 20 years old dating someone 20 years older than I am. I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant the first time. All my family was against it and put doubts in my head. Over and over again we had the "how this is going to chang your life forever" decusions. My sister even told me I would be doing my baby a favor by getting an abortion. I hated her for telling me that she was in a nut shell telling me what us girls(my sisters and I) had been told our whole lifes, your nothing better than your mother. But God had it in his books that my little angle wasn't meant to be, I lost the baby october 24 of 2011. In December I found out I was pregnant again, I was happy and scared that I wasn't going to be able to carry the baby full term. Yet again my sister went at it again are you sure you need a baby what do you have in life to offer the baby. For a while I tuned her out, then things started to go bad in my relationship well worse shall I say, he is very controlling, posseive and jealouse. I had just finished culinary school and I felt on top of the world about my self first time in my life I had ever felt like that, but I was having doubts in my mind as to whether or not I could keep this baby. I had nothing to offer it, my old man was making enough to just barely keep his head above water. I caved in and listened to everyone around me, I couldn't and shouldn't have a baby. I made the hardest and worst decision of my life February 22 2012. I had an abortion. I killed my innocent little baby whom I loved even though I hadn't met her yet. She had grown in me for three beautiful months, and I destroyed all of it. Oh and get this, come to find out my sister who talked all that mess to me turns up pregnant herslef and couldn't go through with an abortion, after telling me if your not strong enough to get an abortion how the F will you be strong enough to have a baby. Mind you she is 6 years older than I am, but I do have a step up on her, I have a college education to back up my resumes. Not trying to sound like a total off my rockers B, but I am soo mad and upset at my sister that it makes me sick to see how excited and happy she is to have a baby. I can't look at baby images without crying. I cry myself to sleep most nights becuse all I can think about is how I killed my innocent little girl. Everyone says it is supposed to get better, but I honestly don't think it will get better I made a choice and now I have to suffer from what I have done. In some ways I hope God punishes me dearly for what I have done, but I know that's not going to happen because we have a forgiving God. I think I am punishing myself enough for two. I don't feel like myslef I don't want to do what I once loved to do, I no longer see the beauty in life, or in the world around me. I know it has only been a short time since my abortion but will these feelings ever get better? I don't like feeling hallow and ashamed of myself. Please someone help me.e f
jdwjwdsadgirl jdwjwdsadgirl 18-21 3 Responses Mar 8, 2012

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If you are struggling, you can try going to a pregnancy resource center for help, as they free counseling to women who have had abortions. I hope you are able to move on from this. Good luck to you.

They do get better. It doesn't seem like it now, but I promise it will. You are right, God is very forgiving and he loves you very much. I was the same way when I had my abortion, baby shoes and everything babies made me emotional. In your heart, you know you did the right thing. Doing what you did takes a LOT of courage, and I'm sure there will be other times to have children. Remember: your daughter is with God now! It helps to have someone to talk to, and even though I don't know you, I will be here to listen

It has only been a little over a month but I still don't feel like myself. I am more depressed than I have ever been in my life. I used to be a cutter, and I am wanting to soo bad to just release some of the pain. I havent talked to ANY one about this except for writing this story and its destroying me inside.

It is so important to have someone to talk to. Like DMSi said, you don't have to deal with this alone, and this is something that you definitely CAN'T deal with alone, or it will eat you alive. It is something that will take time to get over, but you have to remember that you did the right thing. Please, reach out to someone, whether it's someone on here or a friend, boyfriend, etc.

Thank you very much it has been four months now I feel ok most of the time, but if I don't keep my mind busy, I find myself thinking about my abortion, and the fact that my sister is 6 months with her little girl, and that is right around where I would be now... I know I did the right thing but I still can't help but to feel like a killer inside..

I'm sorry to hear that. It must be very difficult for you. Is there anyone you can talk to? You dont have to deal with this alone.