Not My Choice

I made the adult choice to do adult things because we both were adults. So I thought. Well yes by age we were, but mature level I think I could have passed him when I was 12. It was right after my second divorce was final; Thanksgiving of 2008. I am living in GA. All my family is in SC. Except my mother and step father who never want to share holidays with anyone. They always go on vacation somewhere. I have two kids there 2012 now they are 8 and 5. But then they were younger of course. My daughter’s father and I were married and together for 6 years. High school sweethearts who grew into strangers as we got older; tried to grow up way to fast! I was proud to be moved out and married before I got pregnant with my first child though. During our divorce I started to see a guy that had moved up here to go to college and literally one time was all it took for me to conceive my second born. He ran back to his home town faster than I could show him the positive marking on the home pregnancy test. So he has never been involved with him. So I have been doing this mother thing single and alone now for 7 years. Minus the 8 weeks I got married for a second time to a guy I had been seeing off and on. He was in the Army, and anyone who knows anything about being with a military person, it is easier to be together if married. I did love him but I think I could have waited to tie the knot. Well after being in New York married for 4 months only living together 8 weeks he attempted to kill himself in front of my son and I. My daughter was with her father thank the lord. He was keeping her for 3 months and I was going to get her for 3 months and so forth. But once he did that I left never to look back for my children’s safety. Now back to Thanksgiving 2008- Sorry I drifted off, just thought some recap would be appropriate. I had just finalized the divorce from the second marriage. I had been alone for this holiday and very depressed from all the other things I never let time do the healing. So I had been smooth talked me this guy I had met. He had told me everything I had wanted to hear to the point I trusted every word he had to say. So the other grandmother wanted the kids the night before thanksgiving; I had informed let’s call him -Ken- (fake name) I had informed Ken that I would be kid free for the night, and he had invited me to meet up with him. I did of course anything to take my mind off of life for a moment. So we meet up and he said one of his friends wanted us to come and hang out. Something in the back of my mind was telling me to just hang for a little bit then leave. He said that there may be a little drinking going on, so if I wanted to stay the night it was cool. Still that voice is getting louder telling me not to do it. I ignored it of course. I went to my house and took a shower - it had been awhile. I knew if I had a drink I might would end up having sex. So as I went to walk out of my bedroom I reached into my bedside table and grabbed some condoms and stuck them in my pocket. I always used a condom since I conceived my second son. I knew I did not want to repeat of that. I made if over there, I drank some we all hung out, and of course "he was tired" wanting to hit the bed. The voice was yelling at me to run! I still ignored it. He went to lie down. I actually was hoping he would pass out in there and I could fall out on the couch. But, no he was calling my name begging me to go in with him. I eventually caved. Of course you know what happens next. But this is the key part. He was not even going to ask for a condom, ask me if I had one, or nothing. So I reached for my paints and grabbed it. I even put it on the man for goodness sakes. I made it very clear I would not have sex without it. So after we had been busy for a moment, (which was actually horrible) he asked me to turn over so he could do it doggy and finish. I was just ready for him to be done to be honest. When I did NOT THAT I KNEW THIS AT THE MOMENT it all happened so fast, he jerks the condom off throws it across the room, wam bam thank you mam he was done! I turned over and when I did I had realized that was not my "juice" down there. I asked him were the condom was, and he looked dead at me and said. WHAT CONDOM?? I was like the one I put on you. He said I do not know what you’re talking about. Told me to go jump in the shower wash myself out and I would be ok. I told him no I will not be ok. Where the condom is all I could think. So I went to the bathroom thinking maybe it went up inside me. Nope nothing. I did jump in the shower and washed myself out as much as I could. I went back in the room, turned on the light and he started cussing me out. I looked all over the room to find to condom in the corner of the room on the floor. I picked it up and threw it at him. I went into the living room, not able to drive yet sat on the couch and was panicking. The guy that owned the house was still awake watching TV. He asked me what was going on and I told him. He said nah Ken is a good guy he would not do that. I was like are you serious!? So I ended up passing out on the couch woke up about 7 am on Thanksgiving Day, and Ken had already left the house. WOW. I had never felt so used before in my life. I went back to my place took another shower could not wash the feeling away. I ended up receiving an Email from his brother of all people. Asking me if I had seen him, I told him what happened and he said you know how I know you’re not telling me a lie? I said how? He said because you’re not the only girl he has done this too. I asked him what is it some kind of sick joke? He told me that his brother Ken had giving me a fake last name, told me he lived with his mother, when he was really living with his FIANCE, told me he worked LIE! Found out he had been to prison. Had two sons he never sees. Also was a meth head. As I was talking to his brother who had ended up calling me so we could talk things over, I was online looking up my fertile days just to be safe and it just so happened to be my most fertile day of the month. So I was literally praying every day that I would not end up pregnant. Well since I am posting on here you guessed it I did. I called his brother to get in touch with Ken and let him know that I was. He sent a message to me that he did not care, and would not do anything for the child and never wanted to see it. So I decided that day that it’s okay, I will do this on my own. I had been room mating with someone at the time it was just a temporary thing. Because of the divorce this put me in the predicament I was in. They were moving so I had to move in with my mom. My mother who is the last person who needed to find out even though I was 25 at the time has never been there for me except to put me down, and talk horrible to me. I even faked a period to keep her from finding out. Well she found out by asking my oldest child behind my back. How dirty huh? Then told me that if I did not abort the baby she would kick me out take my son, and my daughters dad and her agreed they would make sure he got my daughter full time. I had nowhere to turn. She told me all I would have would be that baby and my car which at the time was on its last wheel. I prayed about it and talked to several people. I really was literally sick to my stomach on all of it. I even told my mom how it happened. She was still negative about it. She convinced me that I could not deal with giving it up for adoption. I think I could have dealt with that more. So after a couple days she took me to the clinic and dropped me off. I had to do it all alone. I mean I am not asking for compassion on what was about to be done. But some kind of support would have been nice. I did not want to do it. I still regret it to this day. I walked in and it took hours before they took me back. They asked me if I wanted pain medicine, I said no because I want to feel every ounce of pain. To ensure that I would never put me in that place again. They then took me into an ultrasound room. Gave me the option of looking; I told that lady please so not turn that monitor around. She told me was I sure I was 9 weeks and I told her yes. She said it did not look like it was developing correctly. And they baby probably would not of made it or had something wrong with it. I am going to blame that on his drug habits! Then they walked me down this very long cold hallway it was like walking the green mile. Once in the room, I saw a bed like the ones in the Obgyn exam rooms. There was the sweetest nurse in there. She took my blood pressure and told me to calm down because it was so high. Usually my bp is 110/70 it was way higher than that. The doctor walked in with a smile on his face shook my hand and told me what he was going to do. I then asked him if he considered it consensual sex if a guy takes the condom off without you knowing. He said I would call him an *******. That literally came out of his mouth. I have had two kids, one with an epidural and one natural and that pain was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life! Once it was over the doctor walked out, and the nurse helped me sit up I had to lay back down fast because I felt like I was going to pass out. After a few minutes she helped me into a chair and pushed me into another room where you have to go to the bath room to let all the blood clots come out, and then they have to say its ok for you to leave after you talk to the doctor. Once I got into that room, I started freezing, then I started to burn up. The nurse in there told the other ladies in there that I was a trooper because I did it without medication almost like I had won something. I had lost so much that day. I wish I could go back and unravel everything. I mean I have my life together now; almost done with college, working, have a car, and an apartment. Doing it all on my own. My mother left my life 2 years ago to do her own thing she said. So I know the pain of this. I am embarrassed of it. I mean I am 50/50 on abortions always have been. I think everyone has their thoughts on this. But I never thought I myself would have to go through that. I mean every Feb 19th is a bad day for me. Not a day goes my I don’t think of it. Every Thanksgiving is not so thankful. Also every Aug I think of how old it would be. I still feel robbed and made do it by my mother, and always will. I know that God is just and he is taking care me that sweet angle. But I can't help to think that he will never forgive me for doing that.
CM4M28 CM4M28
26-30, F
2 Responses Apr 11, 2012

very sorry

I am very sorry for what happened to you. It is tragic that this circumstance happened to you like this. If you wish, you can try going to a pregnancy resource center for help, as they offer free counseling to post abortive women. If you feel that the abortion was a mistake, then know that we all make mistakes and we all have regrets. I personally find it better to not dwell too much on the past, but rather, to focus on not making the same mistake again in the future. I hope you are able to recover from this. Good luck to you.