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Every Day Hurts!

 
I haven't really spoken to anyone in depth about this but until now, hadn't come across people with the same issues.
I found out i was pregnant at 23, in Feb 2011, and was in a stable, happy relationship with a good job. I was so excited as my main ambition in life is to have children, so I told my friends and partner, who were also thrilled. My mum found out and started talking about finance, work etc but didn't really say a great deal. After my first scan, I went to surprise her with the photo as she was leaving work...she tried to hide it and told me to put it away until i got home so no-one could see. It felt like my baby was unwelcome I realised how embarrassed she was of me, as my family are traditional, and couldn't cope with it, so told myself that an abortion was the solution.
On the morning of the operation (at 12 weeks), the doctor gave me a scan and unfortunately, i saw the screen, which is the image now stuck in my head every day. As soon as i woke up, i cried hysterically. For the next two days, i was fine and thought it was all over, but now i know, i was just in some sort of shock.
Throughout the 12 weeks, i had sickness throughout the day and night, and it just stopped, which was when reality hit.
My relationship ended, as i couldn't live with the fact that it wasn't just my baby that i'd killed, it was his too.
For the past year i have cried every day, and find it difficult to look at a baby or a pregnant woman without my eyes filling up. It feels like my stomache twists and and something hurts inside.
My two closest friends are pregnant and i really am happy for them, but the jealousy and anger eats away at me...I get in the car after seeing them and break down.
As for the really crazy part, i did a pregnancy test every week after the abortion for nearly eight months in hope it would be positive, even though i knew it was impossible. I watch teen mom, and i didn't know I was pregnant, pretty much every day, which is torture, but i do it anyway! I thought of adoption and ***** donation, but didn't want to feel like i was just replacing the baby.
I still want a baby more than anything in the world, and being single makes it feel more unrealistic :( I feel empty and I wish life would just end, but am fortunately/unfortunately to scared to do it.
If nothing else, i hope this makes others who have had an abortion realise that they are not on their own and those thinking about it, to think twice. I would say that if there is a part of you that wants to keep the baby, this is not an option. Not only will you make yourself unhappy, but those closest to you may blame themselves for not supporting you more!

Claire x

claire001 claire001 22-25, F 3 Responses Apr 12, 2012

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I can relate to your feelings! 20 years ago I was convinced by my then boyfriend and his sister to have an abortion. Ironically my abortion took place on Valentines day. The sister drove me to the clinic to have the abortion and have paid for that day emotionally for almost 18 years. I didnt talk to anyone about it for so long - thus staying trapped in my misery. I am so proud of you for taking care of yourself and talking about it.

If you are struggling, you can try going to a pregnancy resource center for help, as they offer free counseling to post abortive women. If you feel the abortion was a mistake, then know we all make mistakes and we all have regrets. I personally find it better to not dwell too much on the past, but rather, to focus on not making the same mistake again in the future. I hope you are able to recover from this experience. Good luck to you.

You are not alone. One day you will have the. Perfect family as soon as you find your perfect soul mate. Don't ever. Give up or think things will never get better <br />
Xoxo