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Blaming Yourself

 
I had a surgical abortion 3 weeks ago. It was a joint decision between me and my boyfriend due to finances. It was totally inexpected as contaception was used. With long thought we decided to get a surgical abortion. It was the hardest decicion of my life and will effect my future forever. We flew to England and went the clinic. I seen girls go in like it was nothing to them i couldnt stop shakin when i got called in. I was 8 weeks gone and I was to be put asleep for the precedure. However this wasnt  the case. I was not given enuf anisetic and I was awake and felt every bit of pain. It was the worse thing ever i could feel everyting and just wanted it to stop. After wards I found out that the wrong amount of anistetic was given I shoould have been given more for my weight and height.

Since then I feel nothing but regret. I feel like that was a sign for me to stop everyting and I didnt. Its worse keeping such a big secret from everyone as we just kept it between us. We have seen a councellor a few times now. I just feel like talking to someone who has been through it will helpme more. I feel so ashamed and feel like i have no right to laugh or do anyting that makes me happy. There isnt one night since i dont dream about it. Some of the dreams is lying on that table again some is actually having a baby. I feel so distanced from everyone else. All i do is cry and get annoyed at my self and my boyfriend

tracey282 tracey282 18-21 3 Responses Apr 15, 2012

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I am sorry you are struggling from this experience. Do know that we all make mistakes and we all have regrets. I personally find it better to not dwell too much on the past, but rather, to focus on not making the same mistake again in the future. I hope you are able to recover from this experience. Good luck to you.

I believe experiences we have are lessons in life to learn from. Good or bad. I too had a horrible experience with my abortion, but i have to keep my chin up for my family and take it all in and remind myself that i learned from it. Noone is perfect and believe it or not the older i get the more i realize i dont have to keep anything a secret, especially for someone else's benefit. For me, talking about it openly helps.

My heart goes out to you. Please, stop blaming yourself or your boyfriend. What's done is done, and you did it for your own right reasons. You can't change the past. Put it behind you - I know it will be hard - your hormones are going to be zinging all over the place, but get rid of the guilt trip. All that will do is drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend. Like I said, my heart goes out to you.