I had a surgical abortion 3 weeks ago. It was a joint decision between me and my boyfriend due to finances. It was totally inexpected as contaception was used. With long thought we decided to get a surgical abortion. It was the hardest decicion of my life and will effect my future forever. We flew to England and went the clinic. I seen girls go in like it was nothing to them i couldnt stop shakin when i got called in. I was 8 weeks gone and I was to be put asleep for the precedure. However this wasnt the case. I was not given enuf anisetic and I was awake and felt every bit of pain. It was the worse thing ever i could feel everyting and just wanted it to stop. After wards I found out that the wrong amount of anistetic was given I shoould have been given more for my weight and height.
Since then I feel nothing but regret. I feel like that was a sign for me to stop everyting and I didnt. Its worse keeping such a big secret from everyone as we just kept it between us. We have seen a councellor a few times now. I just feel like talking to someone who has been through it will helpme more. I feel so ashamed and feel like i have no right to laugh or do anyting that makes me happy. There isnt one night since i dont dream about it. Some of the dreams is lying on that table again some is actually having a baby. I feel so distanced from everyone else. All i do is cry and get annoyed at my self and my boyfriend