This Is My Story.

I had an abortion almost 3 months ago. This child was conceived on new years eve, go figure. I was almost 8 weeks when i had the procedure. About a week before I found out I was pregnant, my body felt different, my boobs were soooo sore, i was having cramps, similar to period cramps but no period. I also had spotting but didn't think much because my periods have always been so irregular an the spotting had happened before. As a few weeks went by, I knew something wasn't right, my body felt different, i was emotional and that's when i realized there was a possibility of being pregnant. I remember the night that i found out, it was actually the night of the superbowl. I had gone to a gathering that night, but just felt sick so i came home and around midnight, I decided to call my best friend and tell her what was going on an what I was thinking, she was very supportive and insisted I find out asap. I went to meijers that night and went straight to her house, took the test, it was positive and cried my eyes out. I had so many different emotions going on, that is when I realized it was possible to be sad, mad, happy, scared all at the same time. I told my ex about it, he was shocked an couldn't believe it but we were very careless, used the pull out method, so it was starting to set in for the both us, that we were just asking for this to happen. Him and I have been on and off for almost two years, he wasn't who i wanted to be with the rest of my life, he had done me wrong so many times that i didn't want to raise a child with him and i didn't want to be a single parent. He already had a daughter and he's not what i call a good father, he's more of an ATM to her, I seen his daughter once the entire time we were together and i knew i couldn't put my own child through that, it wouldn't be fair to the baby or myself. I don't think it's wrong for people to have a child out of marriage, but I don't believe in it, I want to do it the traditional way; finish school, get married then have children. As a few days passed, my ex surprisingly wanted to keep the baby, but i think he had the wrong intentions, this way he had me forever, i don't think it was about the child because if so then why isn't he a good father to his daughter. I spoke to friends and family, telling my family was heart breaking, I felt like i had let them down. I had always been the golden child, I got good grades, never in trouble with the law, received scholar ships to college, they were not expecting this from me. My family and ex didn't get along, so adding a child into the mix was not so smart. My family was very supportive but they had their own opinions, they wanted me to keep this child, they thought i could do it with or with out the father and my aunt & uncle even offered to adopt but i knew that wasn't an option. When I went to the abortion clinic for the first time, I was so scared and I kept it a secret from my family, I didn't want them to know what i was thinking. As i entered the clinic, i wanted to walk right back out, i thank god i had my best friend with me for the support. When they called me back into the room, they did an ultra sound on my stomach and vaginally, I seen the screen but they made sure the sound was off so i couldn't hear the heart beat. I was about 5 weeks pregnant. After the ultrasound, I sat down with a counselor, they made sure this was the decision that i wanted to make, made me aware of the risks and explained the procedure and after that i set up the appointment. Since the clinic only did the procedures on a certain day and making time between work and school, I had to wait almost 3 weeks to get it done. The wait was no fun, each day i was contemplating on whether or not i was making the right decision. I had my ex telling me not go through it and my friends telling me it was for the best that i do get it done, they knew what kind of hell my ex had put me through in the past and didn't want me to go through it all again plus add a baby into the mix, they were looking out for my best interest. When it came to my family, I didn't know what to tell them, so i didn't say much, i just continued to tell them I didn't know what I was going to do. With all of these different opinions, and being pulled to abortion then being pulled to having the child, I was going crazy, i needed to go away. I took a weekend to myself, my friend and i went up to her moms house a few hours away. It gave me the chance to relax, get my mind clear and figure out what I really wanted. I needed to keep telling myself, the decision i make was for me, no one else. I stared weighing out the pros and cons to have a child, and the cons seemed to take over the pros. I'm 21 years old, a nursing student, wasn't with the father and i had my entire life to live. My mom was a single parent almost my entire life and i didn't want to go through what she went through or put my child through what i have been through. When coming home, I knew I had to get the abortion, I let my ex know and my friends, my friends were supportive, he wasn't so much. When the day of the procedure came, i was terrified. I was afraid of the pain and scared that i was making the wrong decision. After hours of being in the clinic, I had finally went through with it. The pain was terrible, I knew id never go through that again, i was getting on some form of birth control asap. My family still didn't know what i had done, but knew i had some kind of doctors appointment that day. I decided to tell them i was in the process of having a miscarriage, i was scared they'd be mad and disappointed. Well it's safe to say my family wasn't that dumb, they caught on real quick to what i did. Most of them were supportive, but my uncle wasn't so much; we had went weeks with out talking. I wasn't going to beg for forgiveness to those who didn't like my decision because it was MY decision and i knew i made the right choice. As days went on, I wasn't that bothered by it, which was surprising but when time really started to pass, it was all hitting me. As each friday came, I would think about, how far along i would have been (friday was the day i had the abortion). My emotions were so up and down, one day i'd cry and cry thinking i made the wrong decision and the next day, id be okay with it all. Now that it's been two months, my feelings still haven't changed, I don't regret it but i have the "what ifs." It's crazy to think that I would have been almost 5 moths pregnant. There are times where I just break down, not because i regret it, just because I know i could be a great mother and i'm worried that ill never have the opportunity to have children again. The other night I watched a video on youtube called "I forgive you mommy." I don't advise anyone to watch that! After watching the video, I cried myself to sleep. I have been talking to my ex about it all, we know what each other are going through so we use each other as support. I do not regret my choice, but i do think twice, if that makes sense. I don't look down on anyone who is thinking about going through a pregnancy at a young age or who is thinking about termination. This is all a healing process for me, I know i will have my ups and downs but ill get through it. My entire family now understands and is being very supportive. I wouldn't be where i am at with out them or friends. I am blessed,
courtney1990 courtney1990
Apr 30, 2012