I Didnt Choose This.

In June I'll be 18 years old. This July, my child would have been 3. If you dont care for lengthy posts, move on. I have a lot to get off my chest... I won't tell in detail about the relationship I had w the boy... Maybe in a different post on a different group. All you need to know is he was my first...my first everything.. I fell for his charm right away & over looked his flaws such as his bad boy druggie rep & his well known promiscuity. You should know I truly loved him & he truly played me for all I had. I was so naive. About 6 months into the relationship things started going downhill. He was cheating on me but I refused to believe it. I became EXTREMELY depressed & even started cutting. Finally I told him I wouldn't have sex w him again unless he stopped cheating on me & got tested. He didn't like that & decided to teach me a lesson. A few weeks after that fight I was home alone. I heard a knock on my front door & went to answer it. I saw my boyfriend & his best friend there but I had no idea what was going on. Suddenly they had grabbed me & put something over my head. I couldnt see anything anymore but I knew exactly what was going on.. my boyfriend raped me while his friend held me down & watched. When it was over my bf leaned down to my ear & whispered 'I love you baby..if you ever say a word about this I promise it'll be your last.' Then he kissed my cheek & they left me there.. alone. I never told anyone.

About a month later I was 2 weeks late on my period. Idk how but I felt like I just knew... I knew i was pregnant long before I convinced myself to take the test... I was alone & scared... I didn't know what to do & it was almost Christmas... I didn't want to ruin the holidays for my family.. I was going to keep the baby. Somehow I already loved it. I imagine it was a boy. idk why.

I had awful morning sickness all thru out finals week.

Finally it was Christmas vacation. I still hadn't told my boyfriend that I was carrying his child. I blocked out the fact that he raped me that day. Convinced myself it wasn't rape at all. Just role play or something like that. Anything but the truth...

On Christmas eve my family, my boyfriend & I went to dinner at my grandmothers. My entire family was there & I had decided now was time to tell everyone. I was about to say it, when I saw the text my boyfriend was sending from under the table. 'I love you too baby. Cant wait to give you your present tonight!"

That mother ****** was texting her. The girl he'd been cheating w. I felt sick immediately. But somehow I stayed calm in front of everyone.

I slipped away from dinner & went to the bathroom. I called the abortion clinic & set up an apt for as soon as possible. Then I got out a razor blade & sliced my arms up more. I didnt shed a single tear.

I went back to dinner as if nothing had happened. Finally on December 27 I told my mom EVERYTHING. even the truth I didn't want to admit to myself. She's not the best mom in the world.. but she took me to the clinic.

I wanted my baby. But my dad would have kicked me out. My bf would've been a terrible father & I had NO support. I didn't want an abortion.

At the clinic when the nurses giving me my ultra sound asked the name of the father for the records I told them I didn't know... They looked at me like I was disgusting..I felt disgusting. I cried the entire time I was there. I wanted to die. I went to the bathroom to cut..

After looking at my ultrasound I got sick.. my mother sat in the car the whole time. I was alone. They made me watch a video & i sat in that room just sobbing.

The entire time I kept saying this isn't happening. This isnt me. This isn't my life. I felt as if I were watching the whole thing from outside my body. Honestly I still don't feel like it was real.

A week later my mother drove me back to the clinic. I told my bf I had a serious tract infection...

I layed on the table & tried not to think of anything... then an old man came in the room. I was so scared. He spread me open, like for an exam. A nurse held my hand & told me everything would be okay.. then it started. I can't explain the pain. It was awful. I screamed & cried.

Then like nothing...it was over..

My mother was in the car waiting when I got done. The procedure was over but I really hurt.. I passed out on the way home.. I woke up in my bed late that night..

I've never talked to my mother or anyone else about my abortion. I did however break up w that boy finally. That wasn't easy.. he wasn't the kind of guy that got dumped. He did the dumping...

A month & a half after my abortion I was so depressed.. my best friend knew it. she just didn't know why. Finally I broke down & told her.. everything..

Every mothers day she buys me flowers..

I miss the baby I never met.. I still cry. I still can't hold babies. & when I see pregnant girls waddle down the halls at school i still feel a pain in my heart. I don't regret my abortion. I regret ever meeting that boy.

I am 100% pro choice & always will be.. but id kill for a chance to start everything all over. I don't want a baby... I want my baby. Ill never have him.
ccrog ccrog
18-21, F
3 Responses May 4, 2012

That must have been such a hard thing to go through. Just know that one day you will another chance to have a baby with a great man who will love and cherish you both.

I feel sad for you. <br />
<br />
I wish you could have been stronger for your baby, but you're not a bad person.

I am so sorry you had to go through with such an awful experience. If you want, you can try going to a pregnancy resource center for help, as they offer free counseling to post abortive women. If you cannot get over your regrets, then I can say this. I personally find it better to not dwell too much on a past I cannot change, but rather, to focus on the future instead. I do not know what works for you. Regardless of what does work for you, I hope you are able to recover from this experience. Good luck to you.