I Hate My Self

i m 20 now and i m in college . i had an abortion last year . i didnt want to have to bt my mum and my whole family convinced me to have . they told me its not much of a big deal and that everyone does it . i know it was my mistake to get pregnant at such a time and mayb its really not much of a big deal but i really cant convince my self . i hate my self so much . what ever i do i cnt ever seem to move on . its been ten months now . and every single say i see da same dream . i see a child and a dog . and this is really hard because i live in such a community where i cnt talk about this to anyone because i will be looked down . its so suffocating sometimes i want to yell out loud but i have to think about my family because they will also be looked down . everytime i see stuff related to a baby i feel so bad . i think i m going insane because i really thoguht i would have my baby i even bought clothes . it only 5 weeks . my mum says there is no soul in five weeks . but i dont know when and when will i ever stop feeling this . even as i m writing i feel so bad because all i m thinking is to make my self feel better . i jsut want to really help my dead child . my boy friend was wid me all the time . his family agreed to keep the child but my mum  she said dat i would miss some things in life if i kept the child . i cant seem to convince my self that it is worth it .its really hard . everytime i laugh or feel happy its like there is a reminder set in my mind to make my self feel bad .my mind always flash back to the time wen i blended and i saw a huge lump of blood . that was my baby .i find relief in suffering . i feel so guilty . i hate my self so much .. i jsut cant let go . my sister stuggested me to start praying but i cant look at the gods image . i feel so guilty and when i read the religious columns i feel even more bad .. is there a solution to this . or mayb i just deserve to live like dis
pelll pelll
18-21, F
3 Responses May 5, 2012

thanku so much for ur support . i m joining other groups . this is the first time dat i spoke my thoughts aloud and i m so happy there are people who understands . and i m joining those groups recommended . thank u again

I am sorry you are struggling. It is terrible that you were coerced into an abortion like that. I am so sorry. If you wish, you can try getting counseling. Pregnancy resource centers offer free counseling to post abortive women. If you feel the abortion was a mistake, then know we all make mistakes and we all have regrets. No one is perfect. I personally find it better to not dwell too much on the past, but rather, to focus on not making the same mistake again in the future. I hope you are able to recover from this experience. Good luck to you.

I'm so sorry. *hugs* I know how you feel. I, too, had a coerced abortion. Some days the guilt and longing are worse than others. For me, it mostly hits around the time of the abortion and my baby's estimated due date. One of the things that helped me was naming my baby. It might be something that could help you, too, if you hadn't done it already. I also joined a group called Teen Parents of Angels. It's a support forum for teen parents who lost their children to abortion, miscarriage, or stillbirth. I found it helpful to know that I'm allowed to grieve, even if society generally says I'm not. Another forum that's been helpful for me that you may want to look into is the Post Abortion Stress Syndrome forum at http://www.afterabortion.com/. It's neutral, non-judgmental, non-politcal. Reading others' stories and talking to others may help you cope with the grief.<br />
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I'm so sorry you were coerced into having an abortion you didn't want. I hope you can find some healing.