My Termination - And Why I Need Advice

I had an abortion last November. I was 9 weeks and I chose a medical termination at home.
It was painful, emotional, draining and I saw my pregnancy come out. I put it in a box (the next day I had a little cremation with prayers), and sat looking at the box for a few hours, flopped on the sofa, not quite believing what I had just put my body through.
Im not sure how I feel about it. For one, I get to progress with my career and travel without any ties. Great - what every 24 yr old wants. Here's where I struggle.

My partner is 34. He has a 5 year old son from a previous relationship. I have been with him for two years.We have lived together for most of it.
When he found out he gave me cuddles and said 'everything will be okay' - We'd mentioned abortion and keeping the baby. At the time, we had his son to stay so agreed to wait till he'd gone home. I booked my first clinic at the termination clinic for in ten days, just in case we go down that avenue.
My partner waited 2 days before the termination clinic to have a proper sit down and talk about our options. His excuses were working, reading or needing time for a bath etc.
He said - if i chose to keep the baby he would support me - BUT he didnt feel it was the right time. He also said if i kept it he would want to go away to get it straight in his head and process his thoughts. (this scared me - i didnt want him to go away while i was newly pregnant, feeling terribly sick, emotional... and kind of sufffering. it wasnt the easiet 9 weeks of my life)
He said he was worried how his son might react - we would have a baby living full time with us and thatd make his son jealous. (I said we'd have to treat it as it comes and not pre-empt a situation) - in response he said that on every son weekend, he would take him away so he didnt have to deal with our baby.
He said he was worried how his ex would react - would she stop him seeing his son? Would she lessen the amount? Would she make it a  lot harder to see him? - His ex outright PROMISED she would never stop him seeing his son a few months prior to all of this as the son loves him so so much and is always asking to see Daddy.. I read into this he was just worried about his ex feeling hurt or that he was moving on and starting up a new family

So with these issues in my head, and me wondering if itd be worth it having a baby making his life harder, i went to the termination clinic. (He knew i was confused and I never argued with his reasons at the time. I was all wrapped up in my feelings of getting attached to my baby, and sickness, and worry..) We promised to live life to the full if i went through with it. Holidays, adventures, good times.. never missing a moment.

He came with me to the first clinic. I took the tablet to end my pregnancy. I burst into tears. He gave me a hug. When we left the clnic, he rubbed my leg and said well done for being so brave and strong - which really grated me. I nodded and remained silent, questioning what id just done.

The next day he was at work (he was at a new job and felt he couldnt take the day off as itd look bad, but as soon as i started getting the pains, he would come home). I went to the clinic and had my pessaries put in. an Hour later, my pain started and I started bleeding. the pain relief didnt work. I vomited. I rang my partner, he said he'd leave asap. He came home.
I was on the bed on a towel, I'd leaked over the bed. I was in pain, embarrassed (i told him that) and he did his best to help me out. I asked him to take me to the toilet (i was very wobbly). He went downstairs and started ringing work about work issues. (I thought this was awful. I bet at the birth of his son he wasnt ringing work or running errands!) - I passed my pregnancy there and then in the bathroom. I shouted down. He brought me a box (he didnt see it) - I went into my room, stil in pain, and cried my eyes out. he held me for a bit and i laid there tearful.

He went off to tesco - asked me if id like anything - i said some bread, mayonnaise (still stupid cravings to settle my stomach at this point!!)and an easy going film - a romcom or soemthing.. He came home with a bunch of flowers, a massive pizza, and a movie - about fighting knights, lots of blood, gore and horror. I sat on the sofa, nibbling this pizza, staring at all this gore, or staring out of the window, my mind numb. (I felt a little let down, apart from the flowers that he'd ignored whatd make me feel better.)

The next day, he went to work. Id been pretty sleepless, waking up crying. Hed give me a hug. Please be assured, i have no doubt he was probably tired from working and doing things for me too - but sorry, no where near as traumatic as what id been through and how tired i mustve felt.

It happened on a thursday. His son came on the friday afternoon. I requested that he didnt see his son this weekend and instead saw him a few times in the week to make up for it, just so i could have him to myself, having lost our baby, and a weekend recovering. (After all he has his son for the rest of his life, and his son wouldnt remember when hes older that one weekend had to be missed).. He said he wouldnt miss out on his son weekend. So i asked if he would pick his son up saturday morning so we could spend one evening together where i wasnt in pain, just relaxing in eachothers company. Again, he disagreed. So he picked up his son friday afternoon and we had him for the weekend. I was massively tired, bleeding, emotional, wanting my partner to comfort me and be there to talk, or listen, or cuddle. I barely saw him. It was hard to see his son after what id done. I was a little resentful towards him being there.

the next weekend, my partner and i went to the cathedral, lit a candle and spent time together.

Now between here and now it has been a blur. Ive cried lots. Ive had good days (albeit ive thought about it everyday). I hate my period. I hate pregnant women. I hate my job (i am in the NHS so see pregnancy issues a lot), i hate myself. I do feel it wasnt the right time, but for what i went through, i do feel it was the most selfish thing to do and i would have adapted to make it the right time and make it work. Ive had serious nightmares. flashbacks. Ive had days where i dont do much, cross with life. ive followed my babys growth - what it would have been now - my due date is july 9th

I have asked my partner to talk with me numerous times. 10% of the time he has listened, or said 'it was the right thing to do for both of us' .. 90% of the time, hes been too busy, wanted to have a bath, read a book, watch tv, "why are you crying again?, Im not going to discuss it with you while youre at work, now isnt the right time, then wont be a good time.." etc. His reason for not wanting to talk is "Its not how i deal with things, i put it in a box and get on with life, so Im not comfrotable talking about it" - I am the opposite, i need to talk. and seeing as it was my body, i deserve the right to talk to the one person who played the other part in making this situation. Fair play, he wasnt attached like me. He didnt have a baby in hsi belly, daily sickness, hormones, but he has to understand I WAS!! 

We went to Morocco for a break and i was asked to wait for Morocco to talk about this subject. Everytime I tried to mention it and talk he wouldnt talk back or make an effort in the conversation - or even listen really

We argue all the time. We bicker about stupid things. I look at him and I feel angry - I dont know why. Ive mentioned before when crying that i made a lot of my decision based on his sons and ex feelings and the fact he didnt think it was the right time. He said i was blaming him - i wasnt, I know some of it was whether i was ready or not - but a lot of it was to please him, so his life didnt get any 'harder'.  i look at him and i dont feel as in love with him as i did before. I dont make an effort around the house, i want money split 5050 so its 'fair'. I have an extensive history of eating disorder - its come back full throttle this year.
Im arguing at work a lot more. I say it how it is. I say quite manipulative things to my partner - and maybe friends too. I try to catch them out to see if theyve made mistakes and to constantly prove them wrong.

I imagine myself, a happy single mum, my daughter (i dont know why, its just a daughter) - living in a house, happy and sharing love so strong for one another. having fun. tackling life head on. No partner in tow.

I need advice. My relationship is falling apart and im losing the will to try and make it work of feel an ounce of love towards him. I dont want to do anything for him. I know deep down i dont want to ever be without him. I just cant be bothered to make an effort.


I really need some thoughts, advice.. anything. Why do i feel like this?


cherry1987 cherry1987
22-25
2 Responses May 6, 2012

Hi, I was just reading through your article, I really sorry for your lost. Looking at the grounds of your abortion, to me there is no permanent or genuine reason to to such an act, I understand that you do love your partner but does he loves you back? I believe that he loves the ex girlfriend more than you even though you are under the same roof. With reference to your story , He is not your type so it is wise to let go, it may hurt but won't last a life time rather than hanging on to someone that you know your love for him is not enough and loving him when you know that he loves someone else more.

Your partner is a horrible, selfish person. He only wanted you to do what was convenient for him at that point in time. I can't believe a person can be that seIf-centered. I don't blame you for what you did. I blame your partner's pressure. I know you were scared of what he'd do. I'm disappointed in you, however, for choosing him over your child. Please don't make that mistake again.