My Forever Pain :,(

For months now I have been looking for groups to join in about other girls who've had abortions at first I still didn't want too Cus I didn't want to be judge (even tho I deserve it ) but today my best friend told me she was pregnant and instead of congratulating her I cried . I was overwhelmed with jealousy . It seems like everyone I know is pregnant . Except for me . Y ?? Because instead of choosing to be a mother to my little boy I killed him . 15 weeks in to my pregnancy I decided to get an abortion . N I regret it so fuking bad ! I feel this hole in my heart is never ever gonna heal ! Everyday I see pregnant girls n I think "that would be me right now" wen I go to stores I walk to th Bby section n I look at the Bby. Clothes n I picture my Bby in that outfit . Every morning I wake up I feel like I'm surfacating . While everyone else breaths I'm stuck in a little square n I can't get out ! I can't breath!!! I just wanna leave my self . Maybe than I'll be able to breath better ... Wen I decided to get an abortion I never thought of what the outcomes would be . I nvr thougt of my bbys feelings. I just thought of mine. At 17 I got pregnant by my bf of 2 yrs . We had a beautiful little girl . Everything was perfect till about around the time my daughter turned a yr old . He started abusing me . Ignoring me . He wouldn't help me take care of my daughter . So we broke uP . A couple months later I started dating other guys : u know. Finding love In all the wrong places . I met a guy who I thought was perfect he was mature was 26 n already had 3 kids . He would call me every morning n we'd be on the phone allll day n night. My mistake was moving too fast n trusting this guy. He wasn't who he was said he was . He was nothing but a low life tweeker after only knowing him a month I decided to sleep with him n I got pregnant . I didn't know what to do . Wen I got pregnant with my daughter I lost my dad n my mom . I had just got them bak I couldn't loose my dad n mom again of they found out I had gotten pregnant by a tweeker I hardly knew . I kept telling myself I could hide it I. Could get away with him but I knew I couldn't . I wen to my daughters dads mom n asked her to advice she told me too keep the Bby that it would the best thing to do . At the same time I had my friends telling me not too keep it n all I could think about was my parents being dissapointed in me again n hating me . I hated the guy who got me pregnant I loathe him. But I gotta say he actually had a heart Cus he tried to stop me from killing that Bby . But I told him I had a misscariage n he believed me . I went bak too my daughters dad n we wanted too fix things. But he wouldn't accept by Bby in my tummy . I was left with decidIng too keep my Bby be a single mother in school with 2 kids n no home or take my daughters dad n put bak our family together but kill the Bby living inside me ... After weeks n weeks of thinking I actually went in n got the abortion . I layed on the table scared n shaking holding bak my tears I could remember the dr saying "don't worry this shot will make u feel warm you won't be. Cold anymore " the thing is I wasn't cold I was so scared that I was shaking really bad . I closed my eyes n fell asleep before any tears fell out n it was don'e 30 min later I woke up . Scared n confused I didn't know where I was all I could feel was the tears running down my face but I didn't know what was goin on . It took 20 min for me to actually wake up n come to terms with what I had done. I had to walk out of that clinic acting like nothing had happened . But I really wanted to throw myself on the floor n cry! But what I could do now ?? He was dead . Every single day now I live with that haunting memory ! N I can't live like this ! I don't know what too do . I see my Bby n my dreams n I can't hold him or kiss him . It's like I'm being teased !!! N I can't handle it! I don know how to go on for my daughter web everyday I feel like killing myself for what I did . I may be happy with the family I chose. But my heart will always miss a piece that can't be replace n that's my son . How do I go on !???? Help me !:..(
SorRybby10 SorRybby10
1 Response May 7, 2012

I am so sorry you are in pain....I will keep you in my thoughts ...<br />
sending you Love and Light to help heal

Thank you so much.