2 Abortions And A Miscarriage.. Feeling Regret

Warning: Very Long 
I have been wanting to talk to someone or write my story down so people that went and/or are going through what I went through could read it. None of my friends can even relate to what I feel, yet they always say "I know, everything will be ok." "just give it time" .... No.

Anyways..
I had my first abortion when I was 18 and so was he. We were together for about a year and a half, we lost our virginity to each other. Every time using protection, had an accident once and we got the morning after pill. Second time the condom broke, we completely ignored it and didn't think nothing of it. Ofcourse, a few weeks later the home pregnancy test said (+). We were broken up due to his constant cheating. Texted him a picture and we got back together, we enjoyed the few symptoms i was having at school (close to our graduation) but we weren't sure we would choose parenting. We chose to go with the at home medical abortion, he was there through everything... During the ultrasound and day of the abortion she asked if we wanted to know if it was multiple births and ofcourse.. there were 2. She stepped out to give us time to talk about it again... I couldn't think of walking the stage to get my diploma about 3/4 months pregnant with twins...my parents would kill me, i didn't have any type of income, any type of plans. He on the other hand.. told his family within seconds, my phone blew up with his family trying to talk me out of it.. I went through with it still and i dont fully regret it because i know those two babies would have not gotten the life they deserved. 2 years later, he has a baby with an ex girlfriend..and he still reaches out to me from time to time to see how i'm doing...

Then when i was 19, I had a miscarriage, he was 22. I was with him for 7months at the time.. he sweet talked me into thinking i was in love with him. We stopped using protection and he didn't pull out, he was set on starting a family and marrying me. I, was in love with someone else..We got "engaged" ...not lol.. and then i started hating him more and more, we partied every week so i was constantly drinking. I found out i was pregnant when..ofcourse we had broken up lol.. we ,ofcourse like the last one, got back together (silly me) He was very bipolar, wanted it to keep the baby or abort it. I just wanted out, I was falling into depression. Being in love with someone else while being pregnant with your boyfriend that you didn't want to be with anymore.. He finally said he wanted to abort but he was unemployed at the time. Time was running out before i would HAVE to get the In-clinic abortion. About a week before i hit 9 weeks I started feeling menstrual like cramps. I started spotting and then bleeding more and more throughout the day. I saw it in the toilet and i didn't whether to feel happy or sad. He completely blamed it on me, Said i was drinking while pregnant and punching myself? when he was the one stressing me out daily, with cheating, partying, disrespecting me. and even putting his hands on me. I'm thankful for my miscarriage, its very sad but i know that it happened for a reason. The relationship was very unhealthy in every way possible, we were very unstable. My ex that i was in love with and I were both relieved.. I ended my relationship after he got very physical and tried to kill himself, then kill me weeks later. I left him for the Ex tht i was in love with.

This guy(22) knew of my past relationships, he didn't judge me for having an abortion and then a miscarriage after dating him (and before dating him again) we were back together for about 2/3 months decided we wanted to get married within 5/6 months... we weren't using protection and had a few pregnancy scares. About 2 weeks before the wedding, we started planning it lol (we're procrastinators). I went on a salad only diet, and tried to exercise like crazy, i started getting cranky and i missed my period. I thought it was the stress from the wedding planing. We ignored it, got married had an amazing time at our wedding and partied like it no tomorrow. Threw up all day the next day.. We took a test a few days later, (+). We didn't know whether to be happy or scared. We thought it through and decided to go with medical abortion due to all the partying we had done, the fact that we were JUST married and wanted to start a life first, be very successful and stable to give our children everything they deserve. The day of, I had no feelings. I was just there. The waiting felt like forever.. I saw so many girls sitting there shaking, holding the guy's hand. I went in, signed a paper that said i didn't want to know anything about it, multiple births or sonogram picture. Waited some more.. took the pill and immediately felt like ****. Slowly started regretting it. The first few weeks I was a complete wreck, I was home alone all day while my husband was at work. Then i started feeling less and less towards it. Now, almost 6 months later, I don't know what i feel.

My husband is 23, i turn 21 within a couple months. We both agreed on waiting until we were very financially stable, i finished school, we enjoyed our newlywed life the right way. Every few days or weeks i just sit here and think of what i've done, I think wow.. i could be 21 and have 4 kids with 3 different guys. Or i could be pregnant with my husbands child. I think what if i can't have kids anymore, Or if when i get pregnant again i miscarry.. Every time we have sex i just wish he would *** inside of me, i want to carry his child so bad. I think i miss being pregnant.. I want to start our family but i know its too soon and i know i want it for the wrong reasons. 

How do i  get out of this depression about having 2 abortions and going through a miscarriage?
How do i stop myself from wanting a baby until we've enjoyed our newlywed lives?

If you read all this, Thank you so much for letting me vent.
And i'm sorry i wrote so much <3 
AleinadCx3 AleinadCx3
18-21, F
May 7, 2012