I posted a story soon after getting an abortion saying I did not regret my abortion, and I still don't.
It has now been 6 months.
Although I don't regret it, it doesn't mean it wasn't hard. Not at all.
I've felt, sad, relieved, guilty, isolated... a lot of emotions, and it hasn't been easy.
I felt guilty for letting myself get pregnant in the first place.
I felt guilty for going 2 months without realizing I was pregnant. There were several times throughout those 2 months where I drank alcohol, and I didn't eat very healthy, and I hadn't had any prenatal care, and I felt like I had hurt it (the fetus). I felt horrible for that and I still do.
I felt guilty that the abortion felt like my best option with not finishing college yet before getting pregnant and having thousands and thousands in student loans.
It was hard that several times, and even very close to the time I became pregnant, where I had stated I would never get an abortion- that would be way too hard to do.
But actually talking about a hypothetical situation and actually being in the situation are two totally different things. There's no way to know how you'll feel in the event of an unexpected pregnancy. It depends on the situation. I had no idea how trapped I would feel, and actually having to look at the situation realistically and try and figure out how in the world I could raise a child right now. And, if I were to face another unexpected pregnancy right now, I could guess how I would feel and what I would do, but I don't really know; I wouldn't unless actuallyI was actually in the situation.
Then there's also the whole social and cultural thing... the fear of being judged for my choice. One thing that does make me feel better is that many other women have also had an abortion; in fact one in three women have/will by the time they're 45 (it sucks that so many women face unplanned pregnancy or are in a situation where they feel abortion is best, but it is what it is). It let's me know I'm not totally alone even though it often feels like it. It is the most isolating thing I've ever dealt with... from the time I found out I was pregnant until now. I haven't felt like I've had anyone who can relate.
I've had a hard time dealing with judgements about women who have abortions when I read stories on the internet. Obviously abortion/women's health/reproductive rights are big topics in politics and in the media right now. I've always been one to support women's rights, so I've always been pro-choice, and have never agreed with people who have nasty things to say about women who have had an abortion, or about the actual choice of abortion.
Now if I see/read them, I definitely feel more angry, hurt, and defensive. It's a big, tough, and personal decision, and what these people say doesn't help anyone. It makes me mad that they can make all these snap judgements and they have no idea what it's like to be faced with such a difficult decision.
We aren't all heartless, unemotional, or using abortion as a form of birth control. We aren't all *****. We aren't murderers. Leave us alone.
At least, that is how I feel.
There is also the question of whether abortion is moral. Some people can tell you for certain it isn't, some people can tell you for certain it is. I have no idea. What I do know is I wasn't trying to do anything but make the right decision for me at the time.
A lot of people bring up adoption when a woman is thinking about abortion or has had an abortion. Why not just choose adoption? Because, that's a totally different thing than an abortion. It was in my body, it's a part of me, and it's just not something I wanted to do. If I am going to have a baby, I am planning to keep it. I don't know what else to say that it was personal and just didn't feel like the right thing.
One thing I am very thankful for though is that I did have a choice, of whether I wanted to continue with the pregnancy, terminate the pregnancy or put the child I would have had up for adoption.
It was the hardest choice I have ever made, and definitely feels like a sacrifice, but it feels right.
I'm glad that even though this has been hard for me, that I seem to be recovering and I feel like I'm growing into a stronger person.

I hope that all women who have had an abortion know that they are not alone, that any and all emotion they feel, whether happy, sad, or anything in between is normal and ok. Don't let anyone make you feel like you have to feel a certain way. It's a very personal thing. And it's going to be different for every person. Because I had such a hard time talking to anyone and feeling so alone (the only person who I felt like I could talk to was the guy who got me pregnant- and he was very supportive and I am so glad he was there for me- but I know he never felt the way I did about everything) I actually did go to talk to a therapist at my college, and it really helped me sort out my emotions a bit. I know it's ok to feel sad about the abortion without regretting it. It's ok to feel anything.

It's been almost 6 months since my abortion, and I haven't been feeling as bad lately. I still wonder about how things would have been if I would have chosen to continue the pregnancy, but I am feeling really sound with my decision at this point and time.
I am actually even weeks away from when my due date was (end of May), and I'm not feeling sad about it at all.
I don't expect to never feel sad about this again, I don't know how my feelings will change in the future, but right now I feel like I'm recovering. I feel good.

I don't know if anyone will ever read this, it is so long. But hey- I feel good I got to do a little venting :).
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3 Responses May 7, 2012

Loved your story! I'm in the same boat as you, I feel more guilty because of the judgment I receive than I do about the actual abortions.

I feel the same way! Although it's only been a week since my termination, I'm already feeling like my old self again (pregnancy symptoms were intense!). I do not regret my decision at all, and I wish there were more positive abortion stories like yours.

i feel the same way, win i was looking for help and info on abortions all i keept giting was juging coments videos and sights. I hated it cus i bet most of thoes pepole did not know what it feelt like to make a choise like this.