Wrong From The Beginning.

I had just turned 25 right after I found out I was pregnant. It took me 3 days and a nurse to accept I was pregnant. And it only took a second after waking up I wasn't anymore.

I was very in love with the father of my child. We had spent almost 3 years being off and on with each other. We were never defined but we just kept being in each others' lives. We became toxic for one another and we both knew at some point we would part. It didn't stop us though. But at the end result, he didn't love me.

I was 6 weeks already when I had found out. I hadn't been taking my birth control because I assumed it wasn't needed but had taken the morning after pill and thought I was in the safe. Guess again..

I was completely torn. Here I am going to be a single mother with my baby's father not wanting to be in my life. My family is conservative and traditional. And the only daughter and youngest of 3. I don't live on my own and I barely started working full-time. My child's father lives on his own and inching by. It was so complicated for me. I didn't know what to do. My baby deserved to have a loving home and family that was put together out of love. But it wasn't like that and It didn't change my feeling of how much I loved my child. I became weak the second I had told my child's father about our circumstances. I knew the second I had told him that it changed everything.

My child's father, in the end, pressured and guilted me into having an abortion. I do not know what truly possessed me into doing it. I was set on raising my child on my own with or without it's father present. That baby was the only thing that mattered and out of no where I had numbed myself completely. I went into the clinic with my head down with so much sorrow in my heart that I completely ignored.

I woke after the procedure crying. The nurses were trying to wake me up but I tried to fight the reality that I had so willingly done a few hours before. My heart was instantly broken when I didn't feel the little thing growing in my stomach. I regretted it. It was the hardest truth that I've ever had to accept. My baby is gone and there nothing in this world that can ever bring it back or replace anything close to it. I will never get to meet my child. Never get to sing "Happy Birthday." Let alone hear it cry...

My heart aches every day and tears and tears and tears flow from my eyes each time. The emptiness and hollow of my heart yearns for my baby's life. How much I miss it can never be described perfectly but only as never ending. I needed to be my child's mother. I had known it and a moment of weakness took all that away. I was ready to tell my parents I was with child. I was ready to face the criticism of being unwed and a single mother. I wasn't 16, 18, and let alone 21. I'm a woman who ambitioned to be independent and I had my family who love me dearly and would never leave me astray.

And nothing.

Now, my child's father has gone his separate way. I have friends who I try to talk to but have no idea how to help. I'm completely alone in this. My parents and siblings have no clue what's going on. It's completely overwhelming. It has affected everything. It hurts to go to work seeing pregnant women or women with newborns. Visiting family who I had confided in and seeing the joy taken from them. Isolating myself from friends and just numbing the pain until the next morning.

It hurts to wake up every single time.

I have no clue how to come back from this.

The world has no meaning. Happiness is nothing but short bursts and loneliness is my closest friend. How do you move on from someone you've never met but love more than life itself? And how do you forgive yourself when it was all your fault because it was your choice right in the very end?
KG20 KG20
1 Response May 9, 2012

I feel your pain. I too was 25 and I hated myself for not being strong enough to parent on my own, bc like u said, I wasnt 16 or even 21. I let the abortion TEAR me APART... slipped into a DEEP depression where I beat myself up for it every day. Im still working on FORGIVING MYSELF, and I hope thats something u can do sooner than later; because, you do not want it to ruin u or drag u into the darkness of depression. :/<br />
It will get better, if you let it. Good luck :)