Not Yet

i am 23.
and this is my story.
i hope you don't judge me, and i am ultimately looking for some sort of reassurance i guess you could say ?
as i don't really have anyone to talk to other than my mother who is a pro-lifer, and my boyfriend, who just agrees with me.
an outside perspective i guess.
i am an obese girl, struggled with weight my whole life.
the last 6 months i have been going to the gym and getting my life together as i'm 23 and realized if i want to improve and make myself happy, (i am not impressed with my life), but i can't have it fall in my lap .. i have to work for it.
my health isn't the greatest, but for someone who 100+ pounds overweight, i don't have any SERIOUS problems.
just polycystic ovaries.
i was told by 3 doctors i would have trouble trying to conceive.
i am on birth control, to well, uhh, control birth, and regulate my hormones.

so with this health kick, i lost 30 lbs, i guess that was enough to make my "hormones" regular enough to conceive as i got pregnant.

mid april i started getting random nausea, but at the same time, there was a stomach flu going around.
being on birth control, PCO, and barely having sex, pregnancy was not on my mind.

also, it got me into a slump, where all i wanted was junk food again. so i was being lazy, eating junk food. and drinking soda.
i started heartburn as well.
thought maybe it was the soda, gave the soda up, heartburn went away.
it was weird though as i barely had any.
nausea continued and i told myself if it didn't go away in the next few days i was going to the doctors.
the girls at work who had the flu, were actually vomiting, i haven't yet so i thought i just had a mild case of it.
the next day my breast got a weird pain i've never felt.
a pinching pain almost.
i thought ok, doctors sooner than later now.
but the next morning, it was gone.
still couldn't get out of this lazy slump i was in, and continued with the junk food.

my periods were never regular.
even on birth control.
but i would never miss 2 periods in a row.
my period beginning of april, i missed.
i took a pregnancy test just incase before i started up birth control again, and it said negative.
so i continued birth control.

my nausea went away for maybe a week.
thought i was better.
then it started up again.
but stronger.
i thought to myself, ok i gotta go to the docs.
but i'm one of those people who avoids the docs at all costs.
it was almost due for my next period.
i started getting my belly aching cramps, and lower back pain aches.
these felt exactly the same as an oncoming period.
nausea was still here.
and the next couple days, my period shoulda been there, it wasn't.

i went out and got a cheap pregnancy test and it said positive.
i cried for a good hour.
bought a more expensive "name brand" test, same thing. positive.
i walked into my docs next day and explained everything.
she took bloodwork.

next day i went in and found out i was pregnant.
i thought maybe 5 weeeks MAX in comparison to what i could remember from my symptoms.
not thinking that my slump and junk food cravings were a symptom. (cravings and fatigue)

but nope ... 9 weeks pregnant.

i thought about all of my options.
and the only reasonable one is abortion.
i wouldn't be able to go through with an adoption, nor would i be able to keep it.

i live on my own, we all know that can be costly.
i only work part-time.
i don't have any health benefits for myself let alone a child.
i have a dog who has special needs.
and my boyfriend has had a brain tumor removed so he is on a low income disability right now.
our financial status would not be suitable for a kid right now.
we get by just comfortably with what we've got now, sometimes a struggle, but we make it.

i just got accepted for college which starts this september, for veterinary assistant, and i am already in debt, and am going to be in MORE debt as i need a loan for school.

my plans were to create a stable environment before i brought a child in this world.

not to mention it has had no prenatal care yet, and i've been on birth control.

so what if i have a kid with special needs ?!
i would be in big trouble.

and if i do have this child, i am going to have to be on government assistance, miss out on school, and always struggle.
i don't know if this sounds selfish, but i want more for myself, and my child when i decide to have one on my terms.

i made an appointment to have a consult for an abortion on Monday.
but i am so shaken up by this whole thing and still in shock.
don't know if this is the right thing.
the baby would be loved, but love unfortunately does not put diapers on its bum and food in its belly.

and i am an independent person.
it eats at me to need help.
so for me to rely on other people like family to help raise this child ... would kill me in the long run.
but it would have to be done.

i think i would be more of a mess if i kept this child.

my mom was a single mom and raised me, but it was hard for her. on her small income. no child support.
she had to rely on family. she did a good job for sure, but it was a struggle. her whole life was a struggle because of me. and i know how i feel because of that.
because she has always been an alcoholic, (to cope so i've been told), and depressed. she cuts herself.
and i don't want this to be me.
i am her life she says, but it was tough for her.
and i don't want that life for myself, nor my unborn child.

does anybody have the same situation, or similar ?
am i making the right decision ?
if you were me, what would you do ?
ak234 ak234
2 Responses May 10, 2012

I am not trying to judge you are insult your position, but I do believe you should reconsider. This is a situation many people rush into and regret for years. You mentioned your mother is pro-life, and having an abortion may hurt your relationship with her. If you want, you can try going to a pregnancy resource center for help, as they offer free financial aid and support for women in these types of situations. I hope your situation turns out fine, and remember that many other people have been in this situation before and have turned out fine. Good luck to you.

I sincerely doubt she's going to call her mom afterwards and tell her. It's a private matter that she doesn't have to tell a soul afterwards. Try again.

Hello!<br />
<br />
Here's my story. I had an abortion exactly one week ago today. I was 6 weeks. The actual procedure (I've posted a story about this on here) was not too bad, and it hasn't been bad since. Physically.<br />
As far as emotionally...I do not regret my decision AT ALL. If anything, I feel relief everytime a terrible pregnancy symptom doesn't rear its ugly head. I feel relief that in a couple of weeks, I'll be completely back to normal and can get on with my life. <br />
I can't tell you what to have options. But think about yourself. Be selfish. If you know you can't or even don't want to have a child, then you'll never regret your decision. <br />
<br />
Good Luck!