My Experience.

November 12,2011 was the day I had an abortion. The night before the abortion I couldnt sleep at all I lay awake for most of the night crying and wondering if the man I layed next to loved me enough to see that I didnt want to get rid of the baby growing inside of me. I was too busy trying to make someone else happy. While all along I knew that the situation was tearing me up inside. I swear that was the longeset night of my life. I crawled out of bed early the next morning not saying much to my boyfriend. The silence was so deadly. I wanted to scream and say no!  The whole ride to the clinic I stared out of the window crying. I didnt want him talking to me, touching me or anything. He could tell that I didnt want to do this yet he never said "It's okay baby" nor did he stop to ask me was I okay. I felt like he didnt care about any of my feelings, trying to rub my arm. I pulled away everytime he reached for me. I couldnt deal with him and what was about to happen. We got to the clinic and there was a line of women out the front door of the clinic all with their boyfriends or parents. i couldnt believe that there were women that have had several abortions. That just didnt sit right with me. I got to the front of the line to only realize that i didnt even have my I.D. and that wouldnt take me unless i had it with me. This was God yelling at me telling me that I didnt have to put myself through this kind of pain, and I should have just went home at that moment. Instead my boyfriend hurry and said that he would go get it. That right there hurt me so bad. For me to have to sit in that waiting room knowing that he didnt care what it took. He didnt want a baby with me that bad. He never even took the time to ask me if this is what i really wanted. I sat in that waiting room for what seemed like 30 minutes just tearing myself apart more and more by the minute. i think in that 30 minutes i talked myself out of caring about life. If you knew my childhood you would understand this was something big to me. I felt like the weakest woman in the world because I never just stood up for myself. It was a private clinic so it was even worse, I had to go through all of this by myself. After I paid we went our seperate ways. They took me into a second waiting room. There was a small tv in there with no sound, playing abortion comercials, everyone was pretty much silent. We all waited for our names to be called one by one. When they called my name I got up and they took me to a small office where they then asked me a couple of questions, made me sign papers and gave me these pills. Then they sat me in a third waiting room for a second, then later made me go back to the second waiting room. I looked around and noticed that some of the girls were like passed out sleep. The pills i took soon made me extremely drowsy to the point where I realize that I had fallen asleep. The next thing I knew there was a nurse shaking my shoulder telling me that I needed to come with here.. She helped me walk to the next room because those pills were something serious. She helped me get up on the little bed and made me put my legs on the thing to hold your legs apart. There was a male doctor that walked in and sat at the end of the bed. He didnt say hi or anything just sat there, turned the vacuum on and started the procedure. That was so painful it actually shocked me because I really didnt expect it to hurt that bad. Luckily the nurse was nice enough to hold my hand the whole time. The procedure took a minute or two but to me it seemed like it lasted forever. After it was done I was so dizzy that i fell trying to get off the bed and the nurse had to help me get dressed. My boyfriend had to come get me because of course I was too out of it to drive. I layed in the passenger seat and went to sleep. The next day I couldnt stay home so I got up and went to work not caring what he thought. After that it was all a blurr. I cry everyday now. That was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I blame myself for my own everyday pain. My baby would have been due at the end of April, which just passed. Yesterday was mothers day and I cant tell you the last time that I have cried that hard. I feel like it is all my fault for my baby not being here. Now my bestfriend is pregnant and I dont want to bring her down, but it is so hard being around that when Im still going through my abortion. I am trying to be happy for her, but the truth is that I cant stand to be around her now.I wish I never did it, but I am slowly growing. Im working on trying to believe that maybe all of this happened for a reason. For God to show me that the man I was with wasnt the one for me, and that God has something different planned for me.
keezyweezy keezyweezy
May 14, 2012