It Gets Better. It Really Does

I've written about my abortion before. I got pregnant at 19 and when I suggested the possibility of an abortion, my then-boyfriend flipped out and made all sorts of threats. I had my abortion at 9 weeks, and 4 months afterward my ex, with the blessing of his church, tried to kill me.

Deciding to have an abortion was extremely difficult and tumultuous. I felt a lot of emotions- maternal instinct, maternal love, fear for my life and my child's life, regret, shame. And during this time, my sister-in-law was pregnant with my niece, which made it even more painful. I couldn't raise a baby on my own, not financially, emotionally, or physically. I would have no education and no future. I would be tied to a psychopath forever. I knew abortion was the right choice, but I didn't want it to be the right choice. No one ever wants to have an abortion. But we can't always get what we want.

I was terrified, and I had my 16-year-old sister come with me. My family gave me amazing support throughout the whole ordeal. My abortion took a whole lot of courage. After the procedure was done, I continued to feel conflicting emotions. I mostly felt a sense of calm, like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. My ex and his church were harassing me, calling me and making death threats, stalking me, and calling my home. About 4 months after my abortion, M attacked me with a liquor bottle, breaking my rib, my nose, leaving me with lacerations that have become permanent scars, and giving me a major concussion. This harassment only proved to me how right my decision had been. Who would want a child exposed to that? I have always considered my abortion the most selfless thing I've ever done. During my darkest times amidst all this abuse, the one thought that kept me going was I'm doing this for my children. Sometimes the best thing we can do for our children is to wait to have them. I always knew that some day I would have a child with someone who would be a good father, and I would be able to provide for them, and I would give them the best life I possibly could.

It's been 5 years since my abortion, and I am pregnant again. This past Mother's Day was strange. I thought about the child I could have potentially had, and the child I'm going to have. My potential child would be around my oldest niece's age, reaching the same milestones (hopefully) and playing together. I look at my sister, who did have a baby at 19, and see how much she sacrifices and suffers. Then I look at my boyfriend, and how he acts with children and with his family and with me, and I know he's going to be a good dad. We share the same morals and values and ideas, and he couldn't even hurt a fly (much less murder someone in cold blood). He's excited about having a baby. I have a great job that I got with my completed education and, even more importantly, I got a chance to blossom into an adult who is secure with who she is, has explored other cultures, has worked hard to get here. I would not be able to give my child this life now if I hadn't had an abortion 5 years ago. I did what was right for my children, and knowing that made the difference for me.
adventureolive adventureolive
22-25, F
4 Responses May 15, 2012

wow amazing story im very happy for you definatlley gave some hope and peace ALL AT ONCE :)

I just wanted you to know that this story gives me hope. I am severely depressed after my abortion and I want to thank you for sharing this. I truly believe you may have saved me tonight. <br />
I am so happy you are doing well :) <br />
Again thank you SO much.

It's easy to lose sight of the big picture. You have to remember that this is for your future and the future of your children. The frustrating thing about the future is it takes too long to get here. But you will make it through. You're going to be okay.

This is a wonderful story. I'm so glad you're doing well!

Thanks for sharing your story and am glad it all turns out well for you :)