Regret

So, I had an abortion on April 13th. Just over a month ago now. It's such a hard situation to describe ... I had basically found myself in a relationship with someone who was psycho. My health is very poor, so he was caring for me, and in doing so, controlling me. I was essentially housebound, mostly stranded in bed, in a house that should have been condemned. And I became pregnant by him. I shouldn't have. It was a bad relationship, with daily stress and daily drama. I received no congratulations from anyone upon being pregnant, which broke my heart. I was so proud, and excited that I would finally be doing something that people could be proud of and approve of.

I escaped the situation, with the help of some friends, when I was four months pregnant. I started looking in to adoption, knowing that there was no way I could cope with that man in my life, or in the life of my baby. I didn't want him influencing the poor child's life. Then someone told me I could still abort. I spoke to a doctor about it, and because of my particular health problems she agreed that it was the best option.

I had not really come to terms with being pregnant myself. My stomach was getting bigger and harder, and I was finding it disturbing ... avoiding baby shows, baby websites, baby shops, people with babies, etc. The mid wife had no interest in me which made hiding my head in the sand a lot easier. So, at 20 weeks pregnant they have to perform a D&C, which I have to say is the worst experience I have ever been through (the drugs didn't work so I experienced every bit of pain). It was when I was lying on the table afterwards that the reality hit me. My stomach was suddenly empty, and it felt right. I felt everso guilty for feeling that it was right.

The following morning I woke up feeling as if I was levitating. I had been in a lot of pain whilst pregnant, but hadn't realised that the majority of it was due to the pregnancy, and that it had suddenly gone because the baby had gone. This does show that it was the right decision for the my body, but it does not sink in to your brain ... which is telling you that you've killed your baby and you know you can't undo it.

I've spent most of the last month crying, but believe I am coming to terms with what the choice I made now. I gave my baby a name, which I will mark by engraving it on a ring. It was not the right time for this baby to be in my life, and he was certainly not the right father, but we never know what the future may hold.

What they don't warn you when you have an abortion:
- you bleed for at least three weeks afterwards. It's not just blood, it's icky stuff that you don't want to look at at all.
- your breasts become solid like rocks, but extremely painful .. this is because they are preparing to lactate. DON'T TOUCH THEM .. any attention can trigger lactation, which would rub the fact in for you even harder.
- depending upon what you tell people it can be different. I told people I lost the baby. I have had consolations from well meaning friends for weeks now. I feel such a fraud being unable to tell them that this is self inflicted pain.
- depression can follow, presumably for the same reasons that people struggle with post natal depression when they actually have their baby.

BlueberryMunchkin BlueberryMunchkin
31-35, F
May 16, 2012