The Aftermath

I had an abortion a few weeks ago. I was five weeks when I terminated.
Prior to conception, my boyfriend (28) and I (27) had spoken repeatedly about how we would want to handle a pregnancy. He was adamant that he would want to keep the baby, that he intended to marry me anyway (we had just moved in together) and that he was excited at the prospect of being a father. We had unprotected sex every single time after that. I was nervous but also happy that I had found the man I wanted to raise a family with and spend my life with.
When we found out I was, in fact, pregnant, his tune changed literally overnight. He said I would ruin his life. That he wasn't ready to be a father. That his financial situation was not quite as secure as he had previously indicated it was. That an abortion was our only option. And it needed to happen quickly. Initially, I resisted. Argued with him and pleaded with him. We yelled, really yelled and screamed at one another, for the very first time- ever. After 48hrs or so of shouting and crying and still getting no where, I gave up.
I found out I was pregnant on a Wednesday night and the following Saturday afternoon we were sitting in the waiting room of a local OBGYN. I cried hysterically all the way there and throughout the doctors appointment. I knew I didn't want to have the abortion. That I had already fallen in love with the little thing growing in me. But I couldn't force this man, whom I also love, to be a father against his will. I couldn't do anything to hurt him or "ruin his life". So I went thru with it.
I knew that it would be difficult for me to "let it go" but I wasn't prepared for the total, earth-shaking emotional and psychological fall-out that has followed my termination.
Everything I had thought or believed about him and the quality of our relationship changed that day. I know longer trust him, or respect him, as I once did. Being affectionate is difficult. I feel resentful of him and find myself silently balking at the prospect of someday being his wife.
I have never been more guilt-ridden or ashamed of myself in all my life. I wanted that baby. I had thought about it. Planned for it. And then I sacrificed it in the hopes of somehow preserving a relationship that I am no longer sure I even want. He and I are still living together. He has expressed remorse, cried and apologized, begged me not to go. But I feel broken. I cry a lot. I'm not sure what to do. I didn't wake up from the anesthesia no longer in love with him. But I am living in a state of shock. I'm angry and I feel betrayed. He and I went to a counselor together but the purpose of the therapy was to "establish a means of moving past this traumatic event and getting the relationship back on track".
WTF?!?!? What about my BABY?!?! What about telling me how I am supposed to look at myself in a mirror?!
I don't want to leave him. But I'm lost. Someone tell me I'm not nuts, please?
LostJuneBug LostJuneBug
3 Responses May 19, 2012

You are not going nuts. It is completely normal for you to feel so devastated. The trauma of an unwanted abortion has been likened to post traumatic stress and it is serious! I would definitely advise counselling - together as a couple if possible. There is also a retreat called Rachel's Vineyard which is for post abortive women and men. Wishing you all the best with finding good care and help.

I too have been in a similar situation.. I had an abortion 1 month and 4days ago at 7wks. Only for the father promising me the world.. the world that father damaged. He 2 had told me he loves me and he'd love to have my baby then by accident it happened, he then gave me an ultomatom that was to take our unborn's life before it had a chance, he said we werent ready, but yet it was he that wasnt.. all along I believe he told me what I wanted to hear for me to be with him. But losing our unborn child wasnt something I could handle, he told me if I had this baby he'd turn his back and have nothing to do with me or the baby... or lose the baby 2 b with him.. so I told him if he's making me choose and if it means losing the baby he's going to lose me too, I could never forgive him for that. I never want to see him. He never even supported me or came with me to the clinic. I realised he was'nt that 'man' I thought he was. Above all else.. Im not in any state of mind to advise but if it helps I'd seek counselling.. I 2 have been seeing a counsellor as soon as I found out I was pregnant and still seeing one. Ive also been put on anti-depressants.. any insight may be a little help although it doesnt change anything.

Am all with Christyna that your bf had been very selfish to turn his back on you at such a crucial time. <br />
Counselling May help but eventually I think you will need something within yourself to totally forgive and trust him in order to move on. Without complete forgiveness and trust, am concerned that this may constantly be a thorn in your relationship. Maybe give each other some time and space apart so you can think it out. All the best.